Running as an informal carer

[ChannelRunner2]

This wasn't the post I thought I'd write. I was going to celebrate running 60 minutes again and during that completing the Pride 5K with my sexy pace of 09:09 km/h. But I want to first share something else. ☕

I am the informal carer of my over 85-year-old parents. So, while I run with my phone on silent, calls from them can get through. I was about halfway into my 60 minute run, in my groove, enjoying how my steps, the beat of the music and my breathing had all fall into place 🪷 - when the phone rang. My parents don't usually call over the weekend, so I knew it could be an emergency 🚨. I still let the call go to voice mail since sometimes my parents just forget about weekends. My Mom left me a cryptic message🤔. I called back to find out what was going on, relieved that my Dad answered since I had feared he had fallen again. My Mom's hearing aids weren't working anymore. Just like they didn't yesterday 🤦‍♀️. Sigh. I promised to call back after my run.

Before that call, my heart rate - just like me - were in the zone 💘. While dealing with my parents, it spiked to 149 bpm, about 10 beats above my target zone ❤️‍🔥. It took me quite a while to get back into the groove. Maybe about a kilometer.

Why am I sharing all that? Because it shows that other things can and do impact our heart rate. And because I just finished reading Emily Kenway's book "Who Cares: the hidden crisis of caregiving and how we solve it," in which she calls on all of us to create a society around the fact that we're all mortal, will likely informally care 🤗 for someone in our lifetime, and most likely also need care, both formal and informal. I've decided to start sharing about these things - and this just felt perfect as it tied in with my run. (Here is the interview that got me interested in the book. I can highly recommend it - both the book and the interview... neweconomics.org/2023/05/ne... )

Now! I did also complete 60 minutes 🏃‍♀️ with an overall sexy pace of 09:18 km/h of non-stop running (yes, I never stopped running while doing the above!) and the Pride 5K along the way! 🥳 The Pride 5K 🏳️‍🌈 by U.S. running champion Nikki Hiltz to "show transgender people 🏳️‍⚧️ that there is an entire community of runners who love and support them and believe they belong everywhere they decide to be!" I ran the Pride 5K because the hatred is also growing in Germany; because the top 2 books banned in 2022 in the U.S. where censored because of their LGBTQIA+ content according to the American Library Association; because my adult child is trans; and because trans rights 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ are human rights!

[Archerygoddess 60minGraduate]

Looking after parents is hard, isn't it? You love them and want to do your best, but it's a complete role reversal and can be very challenging. I look forward to listening to the interview that you linked.

I'm sorry about the rise of bigotry in Germany. It seems that it's spreading around the globe again, but take comfort that it's a vocal minority and most of us are just concerned with living our lives. Well done on finishing the race under the circumstances and I hope that your adult child has a happy and fulfilled life that's not defined by their gender.

[ChannelRunner2 Graduate10 in reply to Archerygoddess]

Thank you so much, Archerygoddess !

Emily Kenway's book has (also) been rather therapeutic to read. It is quite challenging to deal with the slow disappearance of the people I used to look for guidance...

[MissUnderstanding Administrator Graduate10]

Just sending masses of virtual hugs your way. You’ve got so much going on. Carrying the weight of responsibility when you’re a carer is really tough. Thanks for sharing the podcast-will definitely check that out.

Hope those sexy-pace runs of yours keep bringing you some respite and positivity ❤️❤️❤️

[ChannelRunner2 Graduate10 in reply to MissUnderstanding]

Yes, those runs help a lot! And today I got to experience combining it with my mindfulness training as that helped me realize that I was still chewing over my Mom's call instead of getting back into the run - I was running still but mindlessly... It took a bit, kept discovering that my mind was spinning, and eventually feet, breath, and music synced again.

And those virtual hugs do, too, so thanks for them, MissUnderstanding !

Since I posted, I've gotten batteries for my Mom's old hearing aids, so at least she can hear better until she can take her newer ones to be checked out on Monday...

[Cowladyrunning Graduate10]

I'll take a look at that book too. We have a well supported young carers group in the primary school I work at and the other day I was thinking what about us having an 'old carers' group because a lot of us staff are caring for parents. Sometimes you just need to offload / laugh / take time out for yourself - we are lucky we have running to turn to aren't we.

Well done for taking part in the pride 5k too. Great support but a shame Germany is being like that banning books etc.

[ChannelRunner2 Graduate10 in reply to Cowladyrunning]

What a great idea to also start an "old carers" group, Cowladyrunning ! That's one of the things Kenway mentions in her book, too: We, as a society, seem to at least acknowledge and sometimes even celebrate the work parents do - and we ignore those caring for children with disabilities and/or older relatives.

Fortunately, as far as I know, there's no book banning in Germany (yet...). That's happening in the U.S., mostly in Florida and Texas. I have read about protests against drag queens reading to children in Germany, though... And the reporting after Pride week in June pointed to an increase in participation and more discrimination.

[ChannelRunner2 Graduate10 in reply to ChannelRunner2]

I edited my original post to clarify that the books are banned in the U.S....

[Cowladyrunning Graduate10 in reply to ChannelRunner2]

Ah I see -sorry Germany!

[Yesletsgo Administrator Graduate10]

When my Mum was in her declining years she had a stroke. I was close to her and wanted to help. It was very difficult for me, my kids were young (I had the first ultrasound scan for my youngest on the day the stroke happened which was also my eldest's 10th birthday). Plus of course my poor husband who seemed often to be at the back of the queue for my attention. She survived for 8 years. I'm very lucky in having a lot of siblings so we were able to pull together and share the load. It was tough.

After she died I got a job as an advocate for family carers. Over the course of 8 years I met incredible people who had put their lives on the back burner with nowhere near the support I had from my family.

One thing that kept coming up, either as an issue or as a throwaway comment, was that they never had a minute to themselves. ChannelRunner2 make sure you keep on running, carving out time to remember who you are. Your parents are very important but so are you, and it's only by looking after your own health, mental and physical, that you'll have the resilience to support them.

My escape back then was to go with the family to my boat every weekend. The mobile signal was patchy and if Mum called I was too far away to drop everything and see what was the matter. I know this sounds callous but unless I had this strong boundary my husband and kids would never have had first dibs on my attention.

I totally get the spike in heart rate. My mum was deaf too, plus she had aphasia so couldn't get the right words to express herself so sometimes the voicemail was incoherent wailing. I at least had the comfort that my brother and his family lived more or less next door to her but still, it's really upsetting. Well done on managing to keep up your sexy pace after the call, you sound like you have your priorities sorted.

Congratulations on the Pride 5k too. I left Twitter because my feed was full of people arguing and spewing hate on all sides around the 'women's rights vs trans rights' arguments. There are some very nasty people out there and their arguments don't accord with my, admittedly limited, experience of the trans people I've met in real life. Why can't there be compassion and respect instead of confrontation and hyperbole?

[ChannelRunner2 Graduate10 in reply to Yesletsgo]

Thank you, Yesletsgo , for this response! I'll write more later as I gotta start wage work now, just wanted to drop a quick note because I so appreciated reading your comment! 😊

[ChannelRunner2 Graduate10 in reply to Yesletsgo]

Thank you again, Yesletsgo , for sharing about your own experience!

I was born & raised in Germany and went to the U.S. after finishing high school ("Gymnasium"). That was supposed to be a year and a half but life happened and I ended up staying, studying there, raising my child and building my adult life. Then after 30 years, my Dad survived a stroke - and I decided to return to Germany, so I could spend some time with my parents and care for them. It's rather strange to come back to a country you haven't lived in as an adult! Plus, I no longer have German citizenship - lost it when I became a U.S. American 🤣. Fortunately, my child is now an adult themselves, so I am not in a sandwich situation. I can only imagine how stressful that must be!

As an only-child, it's still sometimes rather challenging, especially since both of my parents have various mental and physical challenges. They're doing okay most of the time and I've enrolled some help - but when the hearing aids don't work, I am the one who gets the call...

I am so grateful that the HU forums keep reminding me how social media can be: Compassionate, supportive, and respectful! 💐

[Yesletsgo Administrator Graduate10 in reply to ChannelRunner2]

That's a wonderful thing for you to do, to uproot and go back to somewhere that used to be home when you've lived overseas for a long time. I'm surprised you lost your German citizenship, my sister retained her British passport when she became an American but the rules are probably different in Germany. I know she wouldn't be allowed to say claim any new nationality eg an Irish passport without forfeiting the US one.

It can be very tough to be an only child in your situation. In the UK we have various charities to support unpaid family carers. Is there something similar in Germany? Sometimes it's good to talk to someone else who understands what you're going through.

In the meantime make sure you look after yourself. Run, take time to do the things you like to do. The stronger your mental and physical health the more resilience you will have.

All the best.

[ChannelRunner2 Graduate10 in reply to Yesletsgo]

The German law changed in 2000. Now Germans who want to adopt another citizenship can file a petition to retain their German citizenship. A friend of mine successfully did that... Unfortunately, my crystal ball wasn't working, so I didn't see that law coming: I became a U.S. citizen in 1998... I lost my German citizenship based on a law from before World War I! So, yea, a bit outdated, if you ask me 😉

I have engaged a service that ensures my parents medications are correctly filled, so I (mostly) don't have to worry about that. And they have someone go grocery shopping with them. Both are paid through insurance...

[GoogleMe Graduate10]

Oh I read this on the right day for me, thank you for posting! That near constant 'noise' or on the alertness of the carer, and running whilst discussing tricky caring stuff on the phone! Some things could be dealt with later... other things would result in way more work or adverse consequences if not addressed immediately.

[Yesletsgo Administrator Graduate10 in reply to GoogleMe]

...or the phone call at work when you're already stretching your employer's patience...

[GoogleMe Graduate10 in reply to Yesletsgo]

That must be very hard. We are 'lucky' that my own disability means I'm not employed, but I do have professional volunteering responsibilities.

[ChannelRunner2 Graduate10 in reply to GoogleMe]

Exactly! My Dad was in the hospital for a couple days after a fall mid-September, so I didn't want to not get that call...