Hi there,
I'm not sure why I'm writing this post, mainly just to put it out there and see if there are other people who feel this way or who might be in similar situations.
First off I have a few health conditions that have especially been flaring up at the moment, I am the type to have a moan but mostly I just get on with life and try to function as best I can bar not currently being able to work. (I still do odd commission bits from home) I have Endometriosis, Interstitial Cystitis, PCOS, Fibromyalgia & a hiatal hernia. I had surgery for my Endo in mid December and havent had a hosp admission since bar a hernia flare where I went to a and e but came back because of the 8 hour wait! I've been with my partner for almost 6 months now. He's been mostly great and has a 4 y.o from a previous relationship who I've bonded with great & share taking care duties every weekend. We moved in together quite quickly (he rents my house from my mum who has recently moved) From the get go I made him aware I've been quite sick and o juggle alot of health issues and am trying to get back on my feet. I've had a string of UTIS that have made me quite unwell but mostly I've been carrying on as usual. I also had my 4th lap for Endo mid December just gone but he was v. Supportive & said it didn't bother him. A few weeks back I noticed he was being very odd with me and when I pressed the matter he said that he couldn't deal with me always being unwell and miserable (I think I do pretty well to stay positive considering) after a big row we eventually talked it out and he calmed down and managed to talk it through. I told him during that hes met me at a partic time of my life where I'm trying to get a hold of my health med wise and such but that I can't have someone constantly hold it over my head as it's out of my control. I rarely let it stop me doing anything. I function fairly well with daily life, cooking, washing cleaning, doing commissions as and when I can and feel able. It has since come up again after he spent a whole day not really speaking to me and being very distant, again when pressed he said that he doesn't think he can deal with having a life with someone who's I'll. I tried to explain that they're not critical illnesses, it's just me managing them but it seems hes already played out a whole life scenario in his head and nothing I say can reassure him that hes not just destined to a life of terminally sick person because despite my illnesses being chronic, I usually manage them well. I'm devastated because I feel like I am going to lose someone who I love. I wish he could see past the situations at the moment where I'm having treatment to improve my conditions. I've tried to explain it to him several times from my perspective and I have listened to his. I understand it must not be ideal to have a partner who gets sick alot but at the same time I do feel I function fairly well. I don't ask him to look after me or help me. I do it myself and I've put 100% into bonding with his daughter, moving in together and trying to keep the house in a decent order. I'm also pushing myself to do artwork to make odd bits of money. I'm really struggling because I feel like he lulled me into a false sense of security and acceptance and now he's turning around and using it against me. I feel like a huge burden. I'm torn because part of me wants to convince him that he's making the situation worse than it is but the other part knows that if he really loves me, these things wont be detrimental to out relationship and being with me. I feel so judged and just awful about myself. My family are not always the most supportive and I dont have many friends left due to being unwell over the past few years. Does anyone have any advice? Im feeling very depressed (I'm on anti depressants) but the thought of my partner leaving me is really just plunging me into a black hole. Especially when I really felt I had found the right person to build and spend my life with? Trying my best not to sink into a black hole.
Jordan-Melissa
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