I had a heart attack out of the blue on 31st May. I have written a very long story about it in my bio. My hubby is working abroad. I care for our 3 teenage children and the oldest is 19. When I was back in the ward after my angioplasty and stent, I phoned my husband to tell him what had happened. He then asked me if I wanted him back immediately. I realised he didn't want to be rushing back so I told him I was fine and to come back once he'd sorted his work stuff. Last week he said he didn't think he'd be able to come back till end of this month or early next month. I was very disappointed to hear this. He admitted that he hadn't told his bosses about me as they would have sent him back immediately. I feel very upset that he's prioritising work over family even at a time like this. People who know of my condition have asked me when he's due back and I find it embarrassing to say I don't know. My aunt who is a nurse visited me last week and she was very angry my husband wasn't back already. I told her that I had told him he didn't have to come back immediately but then she said he should be home to give me support and help. And she asked what if I had developed complications in first week and collapsed! With kids in college and school, I am home alone at times. And I have been doing all the normal chores and walking to the shops, etc.
I had a pre-planned health check last week and my BP was above normal so I was asked to monitor my BP for a week and it still is above normal. One of the medications has given me a bit of skin rash and left me little breathless at times. The doctor is aware of this.
I wasn't given any advice when I left hospital about the dos and don'ts in the short and long term which has left me a bit confused. I went for a walk on the day I came home from hospital and my aunt said I shouldn't have done so. I do have a telephone appointment with cardiac rehab this Friday.
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Thosae
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None of us are 'prepared' when these things happen, nor do we understand how much time it takes for all the different tests to be done when we go into hospital even to A & E. My husband went in by ambulance to hospital following me ringing 999. It took 3 days to get from A&E to the cardiac department. So many of the tests take time to arrange and time for the results to get back and then there are so many different problems that could have caused the heart attack which it takes time for the clinicians to sort out. He spent hours sitting in his chair by his bed with seemingly nothing happening but it was all happening behind the scenes and eventually action was taken.
I had no idea how serious things were and I was present for much of the time, nor did we understand how much support my husband would need once he got home. I don't think the hospital deal with going home very well so I am not surprised that you initially told your husband it was OK to stay abroad nor that he hasn't grasped what is happening or how much you need him. In particular he probably hasn't grasped what a big psychological and emotional shock and challenge this all is alongside the recovering from the procedure.
In the meantime muster the troops! The teenagers can probably do a lot more of the physical stuff and be told more so they know to help? Take up offers from friends / family - a visit, a meal etc. and ask for the help you need. Use this forum to say how you feel. Other people who have had similar experience will share how they have managed.
You may have to bear other people passing comment but this happened out of the blue so there was no plan in place and you and your husband are having to react to the situation on the hoof as it unfolds.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel so lucky after reading about your husband's experience of it taking 3 days from arriving in A&E to get to cardiac dept. If you've read my bio, then you'd know how my situation unfolded. My aunt was certain an ambulance would have been sent if I had called 111 so I was a bit annoyed I was waiting for more than an hour in an empty emergency room before an ECG was done. But once the ECG was done, there was a sense of urgency to get me into cardio department and to get the procedure underway.
My older kids are both coming to the end of their A level exams so I hope to get more help from them with household chores.
Ref hubby, he knows the severity of the situation. That's why he hasn't told anyone at work because he knows how bad it will look. He has said sorry and he knows there really isn't a good enough excuse to not have come back already. As far as I'm concerned, he's going to be in the doghouse for quite sometime!
I am the same age as you , I took my heart attack last Tuesday. Had the amazing care by the team in my NHS but omg woman you need to put yourself first. My family and friends would laugh because I’m very much like you in that I run after everyone first.
But this has made me stop in my tracks totally stop. I have 3 children yes they are a lot older than your children. But they are my world as are my grandchildren.
Please please get some help or you will be back in again and your family need you 100%
Thank you. My husband came home yesterday. It was supposed to be a surprise but I did hold out a small glimmer of hope that he would be home in time for our anniversary which is today so I wasn't entirely surprised when I heard the key in the front door and the door being opened.
That is lovely news. Strange isn’t it, all you share and yet it is still so difficult to ‘find your voice’ to express what you need. I am heading for a valve replacement and chose not to discuss with anyone, now I have a date I am telling family and finding great support and understanding. Maybe working abroad puts a bit of a disconnect for both of you, for instance you feel under pressure to manage everything at home and husband may feel it necessary to separate some emotion to be able to function while away. Maybe find that voice, share your doubts and concerns, that will give your husband a chance to understand what you are dealing with and maybe you talking out loud will get you to understand your thoughts and fears too, help to get a perspective on it all. What is the down side of talking and sharing? Best wishes.
I just want to reiterate what cotonh has said. You do need support, and the support should be available from your children if you sit down with them and explain.
I remember my mother was in and out of hospital throughout my teens, my parents explained things as clearly as they could to my sister and me and we rallied round )in those days husbands didn’t take time off work to look after the family). Your children are probably old enough to understand.
It’s between you and your husband about his return of course and I’ve no comment on that . Use what you have around you - children, maybe neighbours, friends.
Thanks for your reply. My older kids will be finishing their A level exams this week so I do hope to get more help from them with household chores and shopping.
I also share your disappointment that your husband has seen it appropriate to stay out of the country prioritising work over your well being. I don't know what sort of relationship you have with him, and frankly that's none of my business, but if I were you I would be telling him in no uncertain terms that if he values his relationship with you, he would be wrapping up his work overseas asap, with the help of his employer, to extricate himself so that he can return to the UK to provide you with the support you need after your recent trauma, even if it is only for a few short weeks to allow you to sort out your life, to help you mobilise support from others as necessary, and importantly allow you to share your concerns and experience. And when you are feeling stronger he can then allow himself the opportunity to return overseas, if you both feel it necessary for that sort of work to contunue, to support the family. I hope you find a solution that works for everyone.
hello, I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been through and what your going through with your family. You do need that support at home especially for the first few weeks and depending on different peoples situations maybe longer.
My mams husband just got out of hospital on Saturday with having a heart attack, he got a stent put in then came home and has no idea what he can and can’t do either
Being at home having to look after your self and others is really hard when you’re supposed to be taking it easy.
I had open heart surgery about 10 weeks ago and I have a 10month old. It’s nice that you have older children though so hopefully they will help you out and take care of you whilst your husband is still away. But I hope he does come back to unload the stress from you
Sorry this happened to you. But you need to make your kids help you and your husband needs to come home. Your physical health is suffering plus it's effecting your mental health. And you must be very frightened what is going to happen next.
Have you explained how ill and frightened you are to your husband and children if not please do. You need their support.
I know only to well trying to be be brave and carry on as normal but inside screaming and needing help. I was very lucky I had a wonderful husband he was no angel and drove me round the bend at times. But he was always there for me.
You must tell your husband to come home . My children where 4 and 6 months when my health got worse and I ended up in hospital for 3 weeks later. Luckily my mom had retired and my mother in law even though she was a vile woman l
God almighty!! Hope you’re doing well and time to tell Hubby to get his backside back ASAP as he has 3 kids to support after as well as you. I’m a bloke but I can relate to your situation. I’m a single dad of 4 kids and had a HA over 2 years ago - at which point my kids arrived from all over and supported me through the first few weeks so I know you need support - On the plus side I’m 2 years on and all good so please don’t lose sight that you can and will start to feel better but it knocks your confidence in yourself and you need any support you can get until you realise you’re not just going to drop at any point and regain confidence in yourself - wishing you the very best of luck
Hubby came home yesterday evening. It was meant to be a surprise but I held out hope he might as it's our wedding anniversary today, and I was so happy to see him.I think he will also be asking questions when I have my cardiac rehab phone call this Friday.
don’t feel guilty about telling your husband that you need help. Speak to him and don’t downplay your condition. I’m not saying you have done but us copers arnt good at appearing vulnerable. Sounds like you’re the one who is always there and coping it’s your turn to make it clear you’re needing support. If he still priorities work that’s another matter. Good luck I’m feeling for you.
My husband came home yesterday evening. It was meant to be a surprise but I did hold out hope that he might be back in time for our wedding anniversary which is today. I'm so happy he's back.
Thank you for all your comments. I held a glimmer of hope that my husband might try and surprise me and he did by coming home yesterday at 6:20pm. It is our 24th wedding anniversary today so I'm very pleased to have him back. I will take it easy with the celebrations.
Huge empathy from me. I had angiogram that revealed blocked arteries and two stents fitted one immediately another 6 weeks later. I was totally shocked, scared and totally unprepared for no longer trusting my body. I did the rehab and often cried when asked questions. I realise that I was depressed. But I am a stoic and in my family regarded as the resilient one who holds it all together (my mother died when I was 14) so I can feel your attitude of don’t worry to your husband. I have found, because I don’t look ill, am not covered in scars people don’t realise that I have a serious condition without a cure (but can be managed) I don’t have the answers but for me, 18 months on I reflect that I’ve done everything I can, rehab, go to the gym once a week, walk as much as I can, no cheese! And now feel calmer and more accepting of what’s happened. But my Dad who is 98 and his wife with Parkinson’s take huge amounts of my emotional energy and they don’t consider that I’ve been seriously unwell it appears. I have 3 grown up children and a husband who have been supportive but I really don’t want to keep going on about how underneath the confident carapace lies a rather scared kid. Warm wishes x
He came home yesterday evening. It was meant to be a surprise but I held out hope he might as it's our wedding anniversary today, and I was so happy to see him.
Like you I had a heart attack and stent fitted last September, and although the procedure was successful, and the care I received was superb, it was of course an emotional time, and while I was quite philosophical about what happened to me, it did make me realise that I am - like everyone else - a vulnerable human being.
I don’t think I could have coped with the situation as well as I did were it not for the love and care shown to me by my wife at the time, and in the weeks and months that followed. As a sixty two year old man from the West of Scotland who was reasonably fit before the heart attack, my response was to try and resume normal life and activities as soon as possible, but thankfully my wife kept reminding me that I was recovering from a serious health issue, and that I would need to take things easy. This meant taking more responsibility for household chores so that I could rest up in the weeks that followed, but also reminding me that she was doing that because she loved me, and because she wanted to facilitate my recovery any way she could. The love, care and emotional support she has provided has been phenomenal.
I can’t comment on the relationship you have with your husband, you are obviously disappointed that his first priority was not to tend to your needs, and if he hasn’t figured out that this is - and always should be - his first priority, then he needs to take a good look at himself. Perhaps he does not have the tools to navigate his emotions at present, and he is maybe in denial about the seriousness of the event, but you need to communicate to him that you had expected him to be there for you, and that you are hurt and disappointed that he was not. As for not telling his employers about your experience, what would it have taken for him to have spoken to them? He seems to have dug himself into a bit of a hole by withholding important information, but it is not to late to get out of that hole. Maybe he fears the sack, but you would hope an employer would be understanding in these circumstances. Maybe he is emotionally illiterate, in which case all hope is not lost, but there is work to be done. I am living proof that you can, with practice, become better at talking about your feelings.
As for doing all the normal chores and walking to the shops, just stop that immediately until you’ve had time to talk with cardio rehab about what you can expect to be able to achieve at this stage of your recovery. Get the teenagers to pick up the slack, and while they’re doing that you can get your aunt to phone your hubby and tell him, as politely as possible, that he is not handling this situation particularly well.
Hubby came home yesterday evening. It was meant to be a surprise but I held out hope he might as it's our wedding anniversary today, and I was so happy to see him. We will both have lots of questions for cardio rehab when I phone them this Friday.
I'm glad to hear your husband arrived back to celebrate your 24th anniversary. Congrats. Onto Cardiology Rehab - they were my salvation. Please don't decline any offers from them - which is quite easy to do. They called me two days after hospital discharge and talked me through all the medications I was discharged with including what they were for and when to take them. They also noticed I had not been prescribed a drug to protect my stomach and were able to arrange that with my GP. They also noticed I had not been given a GTN spray and arranged for that as well. I now attend an exercise class twice a week with fellow NHS heart patients - all offered by our local NHS hospital and arranged by Cardio Rehab. They have offered the support I would have expected from a Cardiologist - so do engage with them when they call. They have been great.
I’ve been married 54yrs and my wife nursed me and still is after my HA/stent in Oct’22.I cannot imagine not dropping everything if my wife needed me and I hope your husband is full of remorse and frankly ashamed of failing you and family I do however wish you and yours well .
Dont be too hard on hubby. We all handle these events differently, not necessarily badly, just differently. He may have prioritised work to be in a better place when he did return home, he may have needed the psychological support of earning in order to care for you. Hes home now. Better times ahead.
My hubby said the person who has to cover for him during his absence had just arrived in the country and hadn't done the job before so he had to bring the guy up to speed. It looks like hubby had already planned to come home for our anniversary but my sudden heart attack complicated things a bit and put him in a difficult situation. I guess when he asked and I told him I was fine, he genuinely believed I was (I did feel fine until a few days after discharge when I got a bit breathless). But then when I asked him last week when he was coming back, he lied and told me end of this month or early next month which made me really annoyed and upset. Not a good move on his part. I don't doubt his love for me at all. Door to door, his travel would have taken almost 18 hours.
Hi Thosae. Glad your husband has arrived home. Having worked in a Coronary Care Unit for many years, I would have thought you should have been seen, albeit briefly by a Cardiac Rehab Nurse, before discharge. They would have/should have given you instructions about the dos/donts after discharge. Accept Cardiac Rehabilitation when they phone you. You will learn lots. A Heart Attack is serious & can be life threatening. Angioplasty/insertion of a stent (s) can also be life threatening. I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom but I must stress the importance of getting immediate treatment if you develop symptoms again. You should have been sent home with GTN, possibly in a spray & also with instructions how to use it & when to seek help if it doesn’t work. Hopefully, now you’ve been treated you will make a good recovery. I don’t see why not. Please tho, if in doubt seek help, don’t wait & get to A&E pronto if they are any more problems unrelieved by your spray. It’s your life so look after it.
Before I was discharged, a nurse gave me all the medication and told me when I had to take them and also handed me the discharge note but that was it. I was seen by the on call doctor that morning and a doctor from haemotology department who came to do a venasection (they suspect I may have polycythemia vera) but yeah, no advice about dos and don'ts. And no, I wasn't given a GTN. Will ask about it when I have my phone conversation with cardio rehab on Friday. My husband wants to accompany me on the phone call as he also has some questions to ask.
Oh dear, another typical husband.(Sorry to the re al ones out there). Some of them have absolutely no idea. When I had a heart attack and the paramedics were rushing me into hospital. my husband went back to bed. Whenever I've had to go to A&E I've had to go alone even though I'm disabled and can't walk. He's utterly useless. If they can't immediately fix it they pretend it's not happening. I've just had a week of really bad allergic rhinitis, coughing fit to burst , bring up blood, no more than 2 hours sleep. Has he even phoned the GP? Not likely. The washing got miraculously done and the food on the table. No you shouldn't have gone out when you got home but they don't tell you any of that. Advice from cardiology is zero. They leave it all to cardiac rehab. Why haven't your kids taken over from you? They are old enough. Exams or not they should be looking after you and so should your husband. Don't be a martyr. Tell him.
I cant believe he didnt just come back even though you said it was ok not to. No job is as important as your family in my opinion given whatbive been through personally after my heart attack and rehabilitation which is still ongoing 6 months down the line. My wife, family and friends have really pulled together for me.Cardio rehab is a must as it builds your strength and stamina back up plus it bolsters your mental health too. You should see if you have a local support group for people who have cardiac issues too. Ours meets for coffee mornings, walks, singing, arts, dinners on a regular basis. Again great for your mental health and maybe you can get practical support from some kind souls too.
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