Okay biiiig post ahead, but just wanted to give as much information as I can. Anyone that could help I massively appreciate 🥹(Oh I'm a 29 y/o female if that helps and currently on 35-40mg of Propranolol not 80mg anymore according to GP instruction 🙄)
So I'll be the first to admit that it was HIGHLY likely that I caused this myself. I've had quite a traumatic time since the end of 2021 and as life does it has a tendency to knock you when you're down.
I met my now ex (we'll call him Adam) in May of 2021, looking back now there were so many red flags. I got together with my first boyfriend when I was 23 (friends for two years before) but prior to that I was a highly introverted person. We ended things a couple years later, but ended things very mutually/amicably and are best friends to this day, I'd say it made our friendship even stronger. Anyway, his mutual friend was Adam. I'd never met him the entire time I knew my best friend and us getting together didn't go down well with him. To this day I don't know why considering my best friend and I hung out practically every single day since we met and both agreed there was no feelings there anymore. I wonder if he was entirely honest about that, but I digress. Anyway Adam and I started seeing each other and by the beginning of August he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was over the moon. If I weren't so naive about the real world I would have found out a lot sooner. But I found out in November that year he'd been messaging girls the entire time we were together, whether he slept with anyone I have no idea but looking back I genuinely do wonder.
I can honestly say this is when it all went downhill for me. I've been pretty bad with alcohol every since, but it came to a head this past November. That experience changed who I was, I just was so naive about people, I couldn't fathom doing that to someone. Just was a horrible reality check. It gets complicated in the sense that while I was with Adam, I met someone at work and if you're really interested in the story I can tell it, but I think it'll become storytime if I do (haha probably already has 😅). Just to clarify no I never cheated myself. Morally I just could never do it. Anyway the guy from work, seemed like my saving grace since that experience and we got 'together' two days after I found out about Adam. I was struggling very badly being alone. But we actually ended up getting properly together in February time. Come August that year though, things at his work regarding other girls (far far younger than him) I started to find out about and heavily question him all the time if he was being unfaithful. It was like I was thrown back into the potential trauma of getting cheated on again, but without any proof I just was going insane. For months on end I just was struggling so much, like your sense of reality was skewed all over again. Long story short there, we'd been on and off for over a year and this is where we land on November 2023.
I'd used drink to cope with everything causing me stress. My cat of two years last year was just failing for months and spent £2000 over these months trying to find out what was wrong with him. The vets were incredibly money grabbing and to this day I still don't know what it was that caused him to fail. I got him at 14-15 years old from someone at college who couldn't look after him anymore. He was the picture of health until those last few months. But he was there with me through all of that awful time. He passed away last August and it was just an awful death that will never leave my mind as long as I live. There's been continuous trauma one after the other. I started college at the end of September and it got to the point I was drinking before classes. The only reason I went to college was to get a student loan to pay for his vet bills because my job at Starbucks just wasn't enough. Having to go to college after he died was just a kick in the teeth and I had no desire to be at college at all. I went so I could pay to make him better.
The week I had to go to a&e, I wasn't good at eating but I just wasn't hungry. I drank everyday just to get through it. My first admittance to a&e was Friday the 3rd of November. I'd had quite a lot to drink the night before, but that was nothing new. But I woke up around 4am and I just couldn't really understand why I was awake. But I just didn't feel right. Not long after, my heart did this 'thud' and suddenly there was this wave of dizziness. The room was spinning and my heart felt really odd. The longer it went on I was sure I was going to pass out. A&e told me there was nothing wrong, they'd done a heart tracing, blood pressure cuff and blood test. They said there was nothing wrong with my heart. Went home and it didn't happen again.
The next night, me and my on and off partner were bad again. He asked me the month prior if I we were going to Bonfire night together. But he has children with two other partners, so of course would have to see them too. His partner's don't want me involved with the kids to avoid confusing them regarding their dad, which I understand but does hurt. I just want to be part of his life. But we've been so on and off (due to his actions causing me great deals of stress over the past couple years) and his ex's have shunted me away that I've given up any hope of being a remote factor in his children's life. Like if we were a serious couple and set for life I'd factor in there somewhere wouldn't I? But I just don't believe it'll ever happen. Anyway, long story short there too, he left me alone on bonfire night by myself watching the fireworks from my living room window even though he got my hopes up about going. It would have been our first bonfire together despite knowing each other for two years at this point. He told me he'd speak to his ex about me being able to come with him that night, but he actually didn't say anything to her at all and just didn't message me back. I was just heartbroken. It just felt like nothing gets better for me at that point so I just started drinking again. Honestly I don't know how I didn't die that night, my drinking had been so bad for so long. I impulsively decided to buy a ticket into the city to just get drunk and I had no care in the world what was going to happen to me. Just before I left, my 'partner' turned up at the door and ended up coming with me. I just shut off all feelings that night, I was a shell the next morning too.
It wasn't a good morning, he was furious with me that we went at all and he'd slept in for the train to get him home for work in the morning. Usually I'd argue back, I'm typically very fiery, but I just let him shout at me. I just genuinely had no fight left in me. Anyway managed to get a train home, managed to pass of being an hour late for his work. He apologised for getting angry which I'll grant him he's never spoken to me like that before. By the time I was home, we were civil again anyway. But got home had some food and the same thing happened again with my heart. I phoned an ambulance as I was alone and just absolutely terrified. Once they got there, they hooked me up to check my heart rate etc. My heart rate was going through episodes of being at 110 etc then jumping up to 155 at its highest. Going down... then coming up quickly. And the same over and over. It was very irregular. But I was getting numbness through the left side of my whole body when these, the vertigo where I just felt like my head wasn't in line with my body. Ended up staying at a&e for about 5 or so hours. Everything came back fine and they told me to get in touch with the GP.
They have honestly been useless. My dad had to come in with me to the GP to kick up a fuss because they just weren't taking me seriously. A few days after the incident I was put on 80mg propranolol. To say those 2 months had been the genuinely scariest months of my life would be putting it mildly. To this day I still don't know what it is and the GP's just haven't cared. I keep getting brushed off as it's anxiety or having panic attacks when half the time I'm watching TV? I know for a fact it's not. I've had November till now with no job and video classes from college, I've stayed at home and rested and obviously had to cut out drinking all together which wasn't a problem. I was only using it as an escape, it wasn't an addiction and since I've had no option but to process my demons so to speak completely sober, I can't even say I miss it. This is the most at peace I've been in the past two years. Things have massively improved with the partner too. We've been fine ever since it happened in November. Maybe it was the scare we needed. But...
I still keep getting these palpitations. I don't know if it's the propranolol or whatever it is underlying. But this past week, I can't sleep, it's hard to shift weight and not to be tmi but my breasts have seriously gotten bigger the past two months and I just feel out of sorts again. I wondered if it was a severe nutritional deficiency because keeping on top of it helps the palpitations massively. Honestly I have to have huel everyday or I still get palpitations. I've got a lot more information I could say but this post is so long as it is. The vertigo is still a thing at times too that even walking on the sidewalk with traffic around I worry I'll fall into traffic.
Basically. Does anyone have any idea what this could be in all seriousness. It's not anxiety. As I say this is the most peaceful I've felt in a long time, so why does it feel like it's getting worse? 😰
Has anyone else lived with fast heart rate / palpitations with no reason ever found?
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