Carpbait

Hi all, I wondered if any of us survivors feel waves of deep depression, I completed my cardiac rehab presented with my certificate and felt proud of myself, all of which was taken away 1 week later when I had a stroke, since then I have had trouble sleeping , I either lay in bed or go downstairs where I suffer these bouts of worthlessness and despair, this then brings on my stroke problems ( slurred speech, not being able to form words even though I know what I want to say & facial weakness ) am I the only one to have experienced this?

[080311]

Oh my goodness you really did take a big hit, life sometimes does kick us in the teeth!

My story is a bit different I had AVR and bypass and then 5 weeks later my husband had a big stroke lost his left side not his speech but lost a lot of his sight.

He as found it very difficult to come to terms with his life now, and sometimes would go into a very dark place. He has a stroke nurse and she told him it’s like a grieving process for the life he had and how he is now.

This is nearly 4 years ago and things have improved but now and then it raises its head again. His nurse did say she could organise some counselling but he said he would work though it. Maybe some counselling would be something you could maybe look at? You have had a double whammy!!

I wish I could help more, we have been married 50 years this year and the thing that as got us through as been laughter. Don’t get me wrong lots of tears too!

Stay strong and you will get there.

Best wishes Pauline

[Kristin1812 Heart Star]

That sounds really tough. I found it hard enough coming to terms with a heart attack and stents, but I think it’s a different scale when you have to pick yourself up again and again. It’s the same sadness, loss, fear of mortality etc etc, and it’s repeated. I found it really exhausting finding renewed energy and positivity for each new event.

I’m not sure if there are any easy ways.......

Have you found any?

Only thing I have learned to do is focus on small steps. Exercise is one. Today I will try and get up the road to the edge of the common. It’s only a few yards, but it’s more than yesterday.

If I compare it with what I used to do, it’s v v depressing. But if I compare it to yesterday, it’s actually pretty good!

Do tell how you get on. I think we are all keen to share good ideas.

[Gela64]

I feel for you -it is tough knowing you can't do what you used to. 5 years ago my husband had a heart attack and arrested 6 times-after lots of rehab and scary outlook he worked hard on ADLs etc speaking and movement generally quite good but virtually lost literacy which is very hard as he knows he used to read a lot. We got to the point of travelling and enjoying things more but a couple of months ago he had a stroke -and then another one after 5 weeks -and during our full-time lockdown here in NZ -and it has put him back about 3 years - struggling to identify which item of clothing is which and that sort of stuff. We are in our 60s and I try and stay positive and behave like his wife and not like his carer but sometimes it is overwhelming. You realise who your true friends are but I dont blame anyone for finding things challenging. I hope you have lots of support and understand you are a survivor and your life can still be good -just different to what we are used to. Kia kaha -Maori for "stay strong"

[080311 in reply to Gela64]

Hello Gela64.

I can relate to your story as you can read from the thread further up. It’s sometimes so hard being a wife as well as a carer. Thinking for both of us I find so difficult, but as I said a sense of humour is vital! We are in our 70s and for 47 years neither of us had any health issues and then within 2 months everything changed, so we decided we had no reason to complain and just try and live our lives as best we can.

Hope things continue to improve for you both.

Best wishes Pauline

[Gela64 in reply to 080311]

Thank you Pauline -you are absolutely right - Making all the decisions about everything all of the time can be draining and overwhelming -even for someone naturally optimistic like me 🤣 and having a laugh together is priceless and we must hang on to that and make our lives as enjoyed as possible. Compared to many others we are fortunate-had a fabulous trip to Italy last year -even though the driving ages me 10 years at least - so I dont mind too much being confined to NZ for a while -quite a while I think because we wont be able to get travel insurance.. all the best to the two of you. X

[080311 in reply to Gela64]

So glad to read your optimistic, gives meaning to life. We have a Son Daughter-in-law and 3 granddaughters in Perth Australia and we had plans for a visit but that was shelved, first with my heart issues and then Johns stroke. He came home for a few weeks while I was in hospital, and they have plans for a visit next year if the virus allows. So something to look forward to.

Take good care x

[Gela64]

You simply must have something to look forward to - and they are coming and the prospect of one day going to sunny Perth is a brilliant goal! Our son and his partner rushed back from Scotland when things got a bit iffy and they are pleased to be here even though the economy has taken a major hit over here. In my good days I am grateful for what we have.. on my bad days. . Well.. but we are allowed those once in a while aren't we? As they say down under -she'll be right x

[080311 in reply to Gela64]

We live in Scotland, just outside Glasgow. Small world! When you think about it it’s a funny old world 😩 like you I try and see the positives, but sometimes just a bit much! Over the lockdown have been learning a lot having video appointments with the GP, learning how to point the camera of the I-pad at the right bit of his body so she could see😂 Having an appointment at the hospital the pair of us looking like Darth Vadiers Mum and Dad with black masks on gloves we did look a very odd sight. But it gave us both a laugh and maybe a few other people!

X

[Hidden]

Hello Carpbait, my heart goes out to you. The mental journey is almost harder than the physical, I think. In case any of these points help.

1) it’s totally natural & normal to feel depression (it’d be abnormal to feel otherwise). You’re not alone and there is help out there, and here.

2) Sometimes serious health conditions, especially if a shock, leave us with a type of medical PTSD. Our brains subconsciously get stuck in ‘danger’ mode, sending us into ‘fight or flight’ at small things. For me, this reduced over time, as my brain slowly realised I was now kind of safe (compared to surgery!). With time & accepting what’s happened, the anxiety this causes should pass.

3) we tend to be socialised that “we are what we do”. It’s a typical first Q on meeting new people, re job etc. So we tend to assume our identity comes from what we “do”, and if we’re physically limited, it’s easy to feel a sense of worthlessness. I felt useless after heart surgery, & was just starting to get back to “myself” when I got another heart illness. But second time, I decided to not pin all my self-esteem or self-identity on how far I could walk or if I could get up the stairs. What we “do” is only part of our identity, we still have our family & life roles, we still have our loving, giving side, our creative or intellectual side, etc. You are much, much more than any physical or other limitations- it’s natural to feel dented self esteem, but it can help to think what we’re grateful for about ourselves, and what others value/love in us. Scientific studies have shown regular positive thoughts do overcome fears & doubts, much more than we’d expect, so worth a try.

3) it can help to try to step ‘outside’ yourself & your thoughts, and see if you can observe them. My thoughts are not “just who I am”, I can influence them, and by doing so, I can change how I feel. For example, I see a dentist surgery, I think of pain & illness, I feel anxious & I try to avoid the place. But if instead, when I see the dentist, I can think about how it’s much better afterwards, I’m less likely to be anxious & avoidant. This is simple but very hard to do, as we tend to not notice what we’re thinking unless we really pay attention. When I am feeling useless, I’m often thinking something like “I’m not as ‘good’ at life as I used to be” or “I’ll never have fun again” or “what’s the point if all I can do is sleep”. If I can catch those thoughts, I can sometimes change them a bit, eg “sleep benefits my health” or “I’ll find small fun things to do”. This is more effective than ‘resisting’ the emotion or feeling you shouldn’t / wishing you didn’t feel that way.

4) trouble sleeping is normal, & really horrible. It makes everything worse, including depression & energy levels. I found sleeping propped up was my only comfy position, and if I can’t sleep due to worrisome thoughts, I have to get up & do 15mins gentle stretching, deep breathing or listening to ‘white noise’ like seashore waves. Then I have a chance of dozing off again, albeit restlessly. I found i was much better if I let myself nap during the day to make up for nighttime sleeplessness.

5) Personally, counselling was really valuable - it’s hard to talk about this stuff, but easier with someone who’s objective & not stressed by it (like family are) & I was better able to accept what had happened to my health with counselling. Acceptance was really key - it’s so hard to achieve, letting go of the past / the uncontrollable. But I felt an unexpected sense of relief when I stopped focusing on stuff I couldn’t do anything to change, & a sense of self esteem when instead I started focusing on small things I could do to feel better (even tiny stuff like cooking with & enjoying fresh herbs for a change, now I had time on my hands!).

If your Dr doesn’t diagnose you as clinically depressed (& you therefore also can’t get counselling), I’d be happy to give you free psychological coaching if helpful (Zoom).

Hang in there, hopefully most of what you’re feeling will pass with a bit of time & reflection.

[Hidden]

Thank you for those kind words, it’s nice to know I am not alone in this and I can rely on people like yourself to give that boost when I need it.

Be safe