Down and depressed

[Zmah]

My dad has just had double bypass surgery and valve replacement 3 weeks ago. He’s been home from hospital for a week now. He’s just so down and low, only wants to sleep is disengaged. He seems very depressed. I know he’s on a number of medication so naturally there will be side effects I just wasn’t anticipated it to he this way. Is this normal or are we expecting to much ?

[080311]

Hello it’s perfectly normal to feel down and depressed, I too have had bypass and AVR, remember he as had major surgery and his emotions are all over the place. It really early days on the road he is now travelling, try getting him to talk about how he feels, probably can’t understand how is body as let him down! If it carries on for to long speak with his GP. Just at the moment there doesn’t seem to be any cardio rehab taking place, when he gets to about 6 weeks post op, that should be when he should be starting, when things get back to normal make sure he goes apart from getting your stamina back it really helps with your mental health, mixing with others who have had a similar experience to him makes you think ok that odd pains and aches they have to and you don’t feel as if you are the only person this as happened to. There are plenty of us here on the forum who have been where he is now, but us hearties are all mended! I am 4 years down the road he is starting on and my life is good. One thing I would say to him is to start with it’s baby steps. Gently does it and be kind to yourself.

Good luck to your Dad it’s onwards and upwards.

Best wishes and stay safe Pauline

[Zmah in reply to 080311]

Thank you Pauline it’s so nice to hear from someone who has been through this, I worry so much, he’s 76 and the timing sucks. Support is limited due to covid when really the whole family would be around him supporting him instead he’s in isolation! I’m hoping he gets his review app however worried that maybe sidelined too.

[080311 in reply to Zmah]

Hi, I was 69, when had mine done now 72 and as I said life is back on track, as others have said sleep can be a problem to start with, I know I slept with my arms wrapped round a rolled up baby blanket I normally sleep on my side but having to sleep on my back because of the sternum was not very comfortable. Remember the first time I could get on my side was shear bliss!!

As you say the timing couldn’t be worse, but hopefully his review will happen even if it’s over the phone.

Just remember no lifting anything heavier than a bag of sugar and no arms above your head.

Gentle walking to start with he will get there but it’s baby steps.

Sometimes I will see my scar and think that really did happen to me still get a shock after all this time!!

Take care stay safe Pauline

[Truesta123 in reply to 080311]

Glad to read this as such witry I'm early days but feel completely overwhelmed by it all x

[080311 in reply to Truesta123]

Hi, so sorry to read you are feeling overwhelmed, it’s a really difficult place to be, hope you have someone to talk to, the feelings of what is going on I remember well. Also waking up thinking was it a dream or did it really happen!! Lots of times. Things do become easier but it does take time for body and mind to heal.

Remember what your body as been through is major the surgeon as been handling your heart and that is major, believe me it does become easier.

Stay strong be kind to yourself and believe it’s onwards and upwards you have now got a mended heart.

Stay safe best wishes Pauline

[Truesta123 in reply to 080311]

Thks feel all thts went through it all .I got 3 stent s in august but thy were worse thn ever .. but hope get over ths learn live life thks

[Fredders]

It’s very early days and he’s probably struggling to sleep, which means he’ll feel tired during the day which will affect his mood. If that is the problem he may need a v-shaped pillow or extra pillows so that he’s more propped up to help him sleep. Also make sure he is taking his painkillers because being in pain won’t help his recovery and also could be getting him down. Have a chat with him and see if he’ll open up to you and see if it’s anything you can help with. I certainly had mood swings after my AVR op and some days was really down. Just reassure him that things do get better.

Wendy

[Applezebra]

I had a heart attack and stents installed a month ago. I totally understand where he is at mentally. I have been an emotional wreck since being released from the hospital. I have read a lot of firsthand accounts of people who have the exact same experience. It was really a huge change to my whole outlook on everything, and it’s not something that any of us could really prepare for. It was just kind of thrust upon us and now it’s our new reality.

Just today, after five weeks home, I had a day where I did not think about my heart every minute of the day, I did not think I was going to die today, and I did not have an emotional breakdown. I think it’s just a natural thing that each person needs to work through and with time it will get better. I could have another horrible day tomorrow but at least now I know that it’s possible to have good days again. Until today I wasn’t sure if that was possible or not.

The best thing you can do for him is to let him know that recovery takes a little bit of time, and point out the things you notice that he’s improving at each day. My wife has been very good at reminding me that when I first came home I needed help getting from the car to the house and now I’m up walking around all day. I’m upset that I’m a little short of breath after walking up the stairs, and she is instead reminding me how far I’ve come. It helps.

[Hidden]

I feel for both your husband, and you, who are both on major journeys in different ways.

Yes it’s normal, but that doesn’t make the experience of it any easier & may only remove one worry of many.

He’ll be needing to nap and sleep a lot. It may even be worth encouraging so he feels positive about it. If he sleeps poorly at night, he’ll need any cat-naps he can get. Sleep or dozing or full resting is time the heart needs (time on “minimum workload”), to be able to heal.

He’ll also be quite down (as may you, but you may not have noticed it yet, for looking after him) till he gets his head around the trauma and starts to have hope he won’t die. The fear takes a long time to be clearly recognised and then to leave you. Fear can be particularly hard for men to accept in themselves, even when they hear it’s normal. Plus the pain & everything else.

It is a shame cardio rehab is out at mo. Maybe you could search for online or phone groups he could consider, including him reading or even writing in this forum. Nothing will replace your love & care for him, but I also needed people who’d been through similar to talk to.

The idea of telling him what’s improving is good, so long as it’s not excessive, which could make him feel there’s an expectation on him.

It’s not much help if he feels his life has been ‘stolen’ for a while, but it does ease & go with time. Everyone’s different, but don’t be too surprised if it takes (a) 3-6 months to feel like there are regular ‘good’ day’s and (b) 6-12-18m for him (& you) to feel more like normal again.

Best wishes.

[Truesta123 in reply to Hidden]

Good advice for us all thks

[Zmah in reply to Hidden]

Thank you that’s amazing advice really appreciate it thank you all

[Hidden]

Sorry, your dad not your husband 🤦🏻‍♀️

[SianMonnow]

Hi. It is three years since my surgery and I can still feel the emotions sometimes. I was very tearful, depressed, angry, sad, low and irritable. These faded and passed with time, and the realisation that normal life can be resumed, with some adjustments in my case. Ask your father how he feels. Ask him if he is OK. Let him be down if he needs to be. He is probably trying to understand the idea that people (surgeons) have 'fixed' his heart. If he is really struggling to come to terms with it all then have a word with the GP surgery. They may have access to support that could help him through. I found speaking to other patients very helpful.

He will pull through, but he has had his most vital organ 'played with'. It takes some adjusting to. All my best wishes.

[Zmah in reply to SianMonnow]

Thank you great advice

[Mollie191]

Hi Zmah

My husband aged 43 with no previous warning signs had a heart attack at the end of September last year (all be it a mild one thank goodness) however the rollercoaster that came after was just unimaginable! 9hrs after going into hospital he was told 4 of his main arteries were blocked (cholesterol) and needed a quadruple bypass.....and a week later he was in Bristol having the op.

We were lucky in that his heart attack was a mild one considering the state of his heart and that he was young fit healthy and never smoked in his life.

However NEVER under estimate that metal strain it has on you both. My husbands mental well being dropped massively afterwards and that turned out harder to deal with than the whole operation and new way of life !

And funnily enough it was this forum that I turned too to get advise when I was at my wits end! We are 6months after the op and he is coming out the other end now. He’s back at work and life is returning to our new normal.

He had to learn to trust his body again, get to know it better than ever. He had to adjust to a new diet, he stopped being “the man of the house” and the main bread winner (that was a hard pill to swallow) he couldn’t run after his 2 Young’s boys and he had to watch a wife run around like a blue arse fly keeping the ship going.

All I can suggest is that he goes to the rehab classes when they start - they really are fab and my husband isn’t really a talker but he even found these beneficial. Go to the gym classes when they get offered again not my husbands thing but now we are in lock down with covid he is missing it !

And be patient and gentle. It’s hard on you just as much as it is your partner - if not harder as we can feel so powerless to help and they don’t always see our pain or our side of the story.

It will get better I promise, we are just coming out the other end. It’s been a hard road but we walked it together with more than one bump but we are getting there.

Make sure you cry when you need to, make you both a hot drink and just sit when you need too and talk as much as you can and when you are both ready.

There is no rule book so don’t put too much pressure on yourself or your partner - it will take time. But time is a great healer.

Keep using this forum it’s brilliant full of lovely people.

And if you feel you haven’t turned a corner in a few weeks, gently encourage your partner to talk to the Gp - they will help.

All the best and lots of healing love.

Ps sorry for the long post xx

[Zmah in reply to Mollie191]

Thank you so much mollie I feel better already I just want to see a little progression that’s all. A tiny one will be enough to give me hope and I’m not seeing that right now!

[Mollie191 in reply to Zmah]

It’s so hard sitting on the outside - we can feel pretty useless & just want to wrap them in cotton wool and protect them.

The world we are living in at the moment won’t be helping either.

But honestly - just ensure he knows you are all there for him & just take it one day at a time.

The weather is nice tomorrow - make sure he sits in the garden with a cuppa and feels the warmth on his face.

Take care xx

[Truesta123]

Think depression start around 3 4 week after op I had triple bypass 3 week ago . Very sore stiff .crying lots hardly sleeping with sire shoulder back breast bone hooe your dad picks up xxx

[Grayjay]

I was the same after my triple bypass. It takes time to get back to normal. I found out that the anaesthetic from the OP takes about 6 months to get out of your system. It can be cleared faster by detoxing I.e exercise and drinking lots of fluid.( not alcohol)😅. I'm sure he'll feel better soon. And feel the benefits.👍