Since my husbands heart attack in May last year I have been doing everything I can to help him recover and stay well. He had a very serious heart attack (widow maker), occlusion of his LAD with no viable tissue left to stent or bypass. He has been told by every health professional he’s ever met that he is incredibly fortunate to have survived. He now has heart failure and cardiomyopathy. His initial EF was 35% but he was re-hospitalised 6 months after his heart attack where his EF was found to be 14%. With some changes to his medication he now has an EF of ~20%. He is only 40 years old and transplant is not off the table.
The whole experience has been difficult for both of us. Emotionally I have had to start private counselling from the stress and worry taking its toll on me. I have now started grinding my teeth at night and feel anxious a lot of the time.
Prior to his heart attack he was a regular drinker, smoked occasionally and vaped daily. He used cannabis in his teens and other recreational drugs later in life. This gradually phased out once our relationship progressed. Since having the heart attack he’s had to make lifestyle changes. He’s been advised to drink less and never smoke again, it goes without saying recreational drugs are a no go. For the most part he’s stuck to these changes, drinking less (still more than I’d like) and will vape when he’s had a few drinks.
This was the case until last night. We stayed the night with friends at an Airbnb. He was completely frustrated at being unable to use the hot tub due to his condition. I think this contributed to what happened next. He drank a significant amount and then decided to smoke cannabis. At the time I told him I was not happy with him doing it. He went ahead anyway.
His actions have upset me in ways I didn’t foresee. It’s brought up so many feelings. I feel angry, betrayed and disappointed in him. From my point of view his decision to smoke cannabis when it’s so terrible for his condition is an insult to all the doctors and nurses who have worked so hard to get him to where he is. The amount of money the NHS is spending on top tier medication that some people don’t have the privilege of access, not to mention the countless people who have passed on from his condition who would love to still be here and would look after their heart. I feel his actions are also disrespectful to me, his wife, who was looked after him during his recovery, fought his corner when he wasn’t getting the care he needed from the NHS, has paid for private cardiac rehab for him, attended appointments, joined this forum and spent so much of my time researching what’s best for him and how I can help. And for him to then smoke cannabis which is not only terrible for his heart function but could also potentially interact with all of the drugs he’s on (10 different meds) makes me think he doesn’t appreciate this second chance he’s been given.
My question is - has anyone as a spouse had a similar experience and have advice on how to approach this? From hearties out there, would you risk smoking cannabis or taking other unregulated drugs with your condition? If you have - has it had any long term effects?
If you feel I’m overreacting I don’t wish to hear from you. These are my feelings and the (long) summary I’ve given in the post is just a small snapshot of a bigger picture where my husband has ignored healthcare advice several times and we’ve both had to live with the consequences. I feel at my wits end with it. It’s affected my life negatively in a lot of ways and I don’t know how much more I can take. It makes me fearful for the future when children may potentially be involved.
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irishwife93
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I'm so sorry about the position you're in ,it's so frustrating! I'm sure you've been worried sick but unfortunately it's really up to him to make the changes needed & sometimes no amount of shouting / gentle talking or straight facts from medical professionals can make someone change ,I've been trying for a decade with my own husband, he's not in the same position medically but will be if he doesn't stop. Sending you lots of hugs 🫂 xxx
Thank you, I appreciate the hugs. I do feel like I should just give up with trying and leave him at it. It makes me wonder whether it’s possible for two people with such different views on health to be compatible. It seems to be a common theme in many marriages. So frustrating! Xxx
Only you can decide how you go forward but speak up today & make your hurt known to him . I know my husband is the absolute worst with even a minor illness so I shudder to think how he would behave if something bigger happens ,I sometimes call him my 4th child who I married 😆 such a big baby who will also ignore advice of any sort specifically if it comes from me xxx
Hopefully nothing bigger will happen 🤞🏻 or he will surprise you if it does! And my husband is also a huge child at heart who can’t stand being told not to do something 😂 It’s reassuring to hear I’m not the only one, if only we could find a solution! xxx
I wish I had a magic wand for you, to ease the terrible stress and heartache you're going through.Unfortunately I have no experience with your situation, so I don't really have any advice. All I can say is it's good you're taking time for yourself to see the counsellor and hopefully they are able to help you process all that's happening.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply with such a thought provoking perspective on things and share your personal experience which did resonate with me. I need to spend some time processing before I can apply your advice to my situation but I already know it will help me hugely, especially since you’re coming from a position where you’re the one whose had a heart attack. I really appreciate it!
Dear You
I had to re-read your post a few times before I could think of a reply that could be helpful to you.
For help is something that screams out from your post, along with the sheer love that you have for your husband.
Far from telling you that you are overacting, but it is safe to say that you are acting the way that is normal for someone who is frightened of their loved ones actions regarding the health scare that they have had.
Time and time again we try to support the partner of the person that is ill, because it affects you both and I believe that the partner is worse off.
That's because the ill person is normally cocooned within the NHS { private } care and the partner has to rely on information that is given them.
I cannot answer your question on Cannabis or its affects on your husbands illness, I do not judge { I can't I also have used it in the past } but maybe he thinks all is hopeless and that it won't matter if he takes it.
What also comes through your post is your ages, this is so much for you both to go through at any age but more so while your so young.
Talking is the answer and you must tell him exactly how you feel and ask him what he thinks your role is in all this, for you cannot continue on like you are.
Be prepared not to like his answers as they mayn't be the ones you want to hear, but at lest you will have before you some idea on how to move forward with this.
Scream shout and get it all out, the pair of you.
Only you both know if your strong enough as a couple to survive this, some are some are not.
But whatever the outcome, you have to live your own best life, you deserve it and so does he.
Take care you are both in my thoughts
Hello
I do not feel you are overreacting at all I would feel exactly how you are and even though your Husband is the one with the heart condition your post clearly expresses just how much this has and is affecting you and you are suffering to
I could say your Husband is been really selfish but then I could also wonder is he not coping but pretending he is and what he did was he trying to escape his condition even pretending in his mind it would be ok blocking everything out is no excuse at all if that is the case but sometimes can happen
Personally your post was so well put I would sit him down and say exactly what is in this post if you find talking starts an argument then I would write it down and give it him maybe seeing it in black and white might have an impact as sometimes it can
The worst thing about this is we are powerless over what others do even our loved ones and there comes a stage and yes it is hard to do when we have to let go especially when it is affecting us so bad and making us ill which it is clearly doing to you and I really feel for you
I am a heart patient would I do what your Husband is doing the answer is a massive No !
I am also wondering about the friends you went to as a true friend knowing your Husbands condition would have you round and refrain from drinking and drugs or if they do not do drink and drugs would have told your Husband they did not want it in and around their house it could be time to look at the friends you have maybe
I think when you have made it clear again to him how you feel etc you need to start putting yourself first and I know it will not be easy but as much as you love someone you cannot always save them and you have to save yourself and just hope that they might see sense eventually he has been very lucky to have a wife like you and you have done all you can
Let us know how things go and of you want to talk there will always be someone to talk to just pop on x
I was in a similar position my late partner had a heart attack in his 40’s and was advised to stop smoking. He stopped smoking cigarettes and started to smoke cigars. Some years later he was found to have a clot in his lung but would he give up smoking - no he smoked more and started back on the cigarettes. I couldn’t understand why he kept smoking and if I challenged him he got nasty with me so in the end and for my own mental health I made the conscious decision to stop caring if he smoked or not. It was difficult but I just blanked it out, carried on and never mentioned his smoking again ever. 2 years later he was diagnosed with lung cancer and subsequently died 3 months later. He is adult and makes his own decisions. For your own health and sanity try to step back, it is up to him to change his habits.
I don’t have any experience of the situation you’re in, but I imagine it’s incredibly difficult and frustrating when someone you love and care about does not fully acknowledge your advice and suggestions for help. However, it could be a coping mechanism for them and therefore, they go against the advice which we give for their betterment.
Please remember in all of this that you too, matter, and you can also vent your frustrations on here when you feel like you haven’t been heard or understood. Whether that’s by your husband, friends or family.
Keeping you in my thoughts and really hope things improve soon ❤️
Thank you so much to every single person who has taken the time to read this post and reply. Your replies have all been so thoughtful and I’m overwhelmed and emotional at the kindness of strangers. I apologise for not responding to all your messages individually, I am feeling emotionally drained after a long chat with my husband. Hidden you were right in that talking was the best thing to do.
As many of you have mentioned in your posts, during our chat he expressed how much he is struggling with all that has happened to him and how hard he wishes he was healthy. He says he is sick of being told how ill he is and he wishes this never happened. I do believe his actions are in relation to wanting to escape, being in denial about the reality. He did not realise how badly his actions would affect me - to be honest neither did I and I think this situation unearthed a lot of feelings I had been suppressing. While he was in hospital and recovering I had to be strong and put on a brave face for him, be positive cheerful and upbeat, he never saw how I was truly coping because I didn’t allow myself get upset around him. Today was the first time I showed him that vulnerability and I think it has really hit home with him now how much I need him to look after himself and listen to the doctors for me to stay sane in this situation. He has promised he will never smoke again and going forward we’ve decided to avoid situations where there may be too many temptations or at least discuss beforehand so we know where the boundaries are. Luckily none of our usual friends use recreational drugs and the individual who offered my husband cannabis is someone we hadn’t seen in over 3 years and are unlikely to see again any time soon. I don’t believe they offered my husband a smoke in a malicious way as they weren’t aware of the extent of his condition and I do think our other close friends were shocked but afraid to interfere as they know my husband really well and he does respond negatively to authority, rules and restrictions. I do appreciate your concern though Hidden and I’m glad you pointed this out as it is an important thing to highlight if someone has a negative group of people around them who doesn’t have their best interests at heart! I feel a billion times better after venting here like Tos92 has said so thank you all! Xxx
It is lovely to read your reply and it sounds like that good talk could have done so much good for both of you
I understand also more now how your Husband is feeling even though I do not react the same way I had 3 heart attacks a triple Bypass they class me as having heart failure because of this and I hate that term and I do not feel like I used to and I get upset thinking why me
He is not alone in how he feels he needs to keep opening up if it be with you or a Counsellor or even coming on here might help him to see he is not alone and there are so many posts where people are having great life's post where members are having a laugh and joke it might do him good
Maybe another idea is you agree at least once a week you will sit down together and have a catch up and tell each other how you have been feeling that week
He will need some support stopping smoking maybe he can vape only but slowly cut that down and the strength he is vaping leave ciggies alone altogether and with the drinking as well I think looking at where he can get support now he is ready to open up would be a good idea
Anyway I hope today is the start of good things to come from the both of you and if either of you need to talk again someone will always answer so neither of you have to do this alone x
Hidden it makes me feel very supported to know that people like you are there for us in this situation especially when you’re also going through a difficult time, but it’s great having people who understand. Heart failure is the worst term I’ve ever heard and should be banned 😂 the term itself is enough to give people depression.
Luckily until Saturday my husband hadn’t smoked a cigarette in almost a year, he doesn’t vape daily either, only if he’s had a drink. He buys the disposable vapes with a limited amount of liquid so that he’s not tempted to vape more often. With alcohol he usually has a few drinks at the weekend but never in excess. I think he drank a lot more on Saturday because he was thinking well if I can’t go in that hot tub then I’m gonna have as many beers as I like, I do think it was a one off. The cannabis (which was mixed with tobacco) was what bothered me the most and I do agree he should probably see a counsellor to help him cope in these situations but trying to get him to talk to someone only ends up with us arguing. He is not ready to go to a counsellor yet as he knows it will bring up a lot of pain, he lost both parents to cancer in the last 3 years and has had other family problems that I can’t go into but it really has been a horrendous few years for him! For me talking helps but I guess everyone is different.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts as always, they’re super helpful, and I hope you continue to feel better in yourself all of the time ❤️
This is why this Community is so great we all have our problems but all do our best to support each other and I am glad you know you have somewhere you can come and talk
Take it a day at a time together and you will get through this x
Having read your post and all the responses most of what I would have said has already been said
I’m not excusing what your husband did he maybe needed a form of escape as he probably has not shared exactly what he is feeling for fear of upsetting you, he is probably terrified of what has happened to him and scared of the future just as you are
No matter the situation talking honestly is always the key easier said than done when each partner is trying to be strong and supportive of the other
I’m sure you will find a way through this as you wouldn’t have posted in the first place if you didn’t care and you wouldn’t be so angry if you didn’t care either
Both your worlds have been turned upside down at a young age and you are both dealing with something neither of you could have imagined happening
Honestly you both probably have a bit of a bumpy road to navigate, most of us have or will have at times in a relationship that’s worth having, keep talking honestly with each other and accept there will be areas you can’t always agree on and lapses may occur periodically
Perhaps see if you can join in some of the rehabilitation classes if they are on offer and any support groups specifically for the supporting person
There is always someone around here who can lend a listening ear
Hi I’m not in your position, but I’m in his, except I’ve never had a heart attack, mine is genetics it runs in my family. I have dilated cardiomyopathy whic eventually gave me heart failure with an EF that is fluctuating between 23% and 15%. I would thought drinking and smoking on the meds he’s on is not good. I feel guilty drinking a sip of champagne at a wedding, but I have never been a drinker as such or smoker. And I hope if I was one I would stop. Maybe easier said than done. But I would muster up every strength not to ever drink again and definitely not smoke wacky backy. That thing sedates you so he shouldn’t be smoking it or taking any kind of drugs with a heart that doesn’t function, but I know someone like him, my cousin, he’s exactly the same and is an alcoholic, as far as I’m concerned. How he’s still alive I don’t know. His wife left him in the end because he’s not a nice drunk.
If he keeps drinking transplant will be off the table for him. The meds we take are a life saver but they will only do so much for so long if we don’t take care of ourselves.
I completely agree, cannabis sounds like the worst thing you give a heart that is already struggling and I’ve read a few articles (BHF ones) that say there is evidence chronic cannabis smoking does worsen heart function! So for me if he ever smokes cannabis again I will be walking away. And yes you’re right, if he starts smoking again there will be no transplant and rightly so.
I have big respect for you for not smoking or drinking and looking after your condition. You’ve dealt with heart problems your whole life and you don’t have the sense of entitlement where you think “well I should be allowed to damage my body if I want to” which my husband seems to come down with from time to time. I hope over time he begins to see sense!
I really do hope so. He have the loving support of his wife, I hope he changes if not just for himself but for you and your future. Let him join the group we can encourage him. And his friends who know his situation if they’re true friends they should be encouraging him to not drink and smoke by not doing that around him. Sometimes people find it difficult accepting their situation. Maybe he needs counselling and counselling together so he knows what his behaviour is doing to you.
"makes me think he doesn’t appreciate this second chance he’s been given" I have to agree with your words. We are all, as adults ,ultimately responsible for our choices.
Welcome to the forum; it’s great to see you have had some really kind and thoughtful responses.
I just wanted to share that my partner and I are similar ages to you and your husband. I’m the one with the heart issue (dilated cardiomyopathy and heart failure) and my partner who is 40 is in your position.
He is a smoker and I hate it - he knows how I feel about it but for the sake of our 3 children, we do our best to be respectful whenever a debate on the topic arises. Mostly, I try to keep in my mind that he’s an adult and responsible for his own body and choices. When I’m feeling low or I’m particularly symptomatic then I really struggle with not allowing myself to be triggered by his behaviour. I feel angry that I’m doing everything in my power to try and get back to living a “normal” life for him to (in my opinion) squander his by essentially poisoning himself.
Then I talk myself down and remind myself that he doesn’t work so that he can care for our 3 children because I wasn’t well enough too and so that I could return to a career that I love. That he supported my decision to drop to 4 days a week because I recognised that full time is unachievable for me right now (without question or the need for me to justify myself). I know that he loves me and he doesn’t smoke to try and hurt me but to help him manage his day to day stresses. Perhaps, for your husband it’s the same and he doesn’t want to put the burden of his stresses onto you so he’s releasing them in unhealthy ways. No it’s not ideal and I emphasise with how you’re feeling but maybe together you can explore alternatives to help him (if he wants that).
What is important for you to do is work out whether this is a deal breaker for you - if it is, set your boundary and stand by it. If it’s a hard no and you guys are thinking about having children then you need to be prepared to walk away because I can assure you, the niggle doesn’t go away.
You also want to feel like his wife, not his prison officer/nurse and it sounds like maybe that’s a role that you’ve ended up in. Whether you wanted it or not! By allowing him to resume responsibility over his choices, you’ll find it easier to step out of that role and be less effected by his actions. If he makes a bad choice and his health is affected then he is the one that would be responsible and you should not feel guilty; there’s nothing you can physically do to stop him making bad choices.
I can imagine how drained you might feel after your chat this afternoon but it’s incredibly positive that your husband was open and receptive to that discussion. Look for the wins!
I sincerely hope that the two of you manage to work through things and that you’re feeling a bit better. I also hope that I don’t sound bossy, ultimately you need to do what feels right for you 🙂
Thank you for your reply, although I’m sad to hear of your situation it’s nice to hear from someone who is in a similar position to us and I feel like you do understand a lot of what we’re going through! Your reply has not come across as bossy in the slightest.
You have hit the nail on the head about the nurse/prison officer thing and I absolutely need to step back and realise I can’t control what he does, it’s having a bad effect on me too. This experience has thought me what my boundaries are - I had no idea how badly his actions would affect me. I still feel residual anger and sadness this morning even though we’ve made up and I’ve said to put it in the past. But I’m sure I’ll be able to move on over the next few days.
Thank you so much for the great advice and I hope if there’s ever a time you need to vent in this forum that I’ll be able to help you as much as you’ve helped me. Xxx
Men are odd creatures. Mine forgets to take his morning tablet! How on earth you "forget" when it's by the coffee machine amazes me. I was a physio (I'm now retired and 72!) but many years ago I gave up trying to give him advice on exercises for bad backs, shoulders etc. He is getting slightly better with age as when he had a lump and pain in his groin, I just said - go to the doctors, which he did and needed surgery.
I can fully understand how upset and worried you are by his actions, I would be as well. Have you told him how worried you are? Would sitting him down and getting him to write his will have an effect on him? Hugs media.giphy.com/media/3M4Np...
I have answered without looking at the other replies first. Firstly he is still very young and it was a very big shock to his system to realise he wasn't immortal. Secondly, he is angered that his past has had consequences and is trying to get back to a time when his actions had no consequences. Thirdly the evolving circumstances must make him want to curl up in a tight ball and try to shut it out. Its fingers in the ear time.
There are obviously big mental issues here because surely deep down he knows he has done wrong and is ashamed of himself.
Why not show him your post here which must make him realise the hurt he is causing you, your family, friends, and those who have kept him alive and that others have not been so lucky.
I suspect proper counselling might be the way ahead but first he needs to know he can't carry on like this but I suspect he knows that already.
my wife had to endure same. Dont be dis appointed, this will get clearer and will improve with time. My wife endured these hard times and have woke me up that if she is not giving up on me, why will i give up. Recovering well now for her and the kids
I wish there was a way to click the like button 10 times for a comment. You have really hit the nail on the head there. I have seen life threatening illness from both sides. I was carer for my wife through her cancer right through to end of life and then in the last 4 years have myself faced cancer (twice) a heart attack and heart failure. I live alone nowadays.
Heart failure is perhaps the hardest to cope with. Suddenly you are stripped of so much of what was once you. Some days (like this last weekend for me) there is not enough energy to get out of bed, brain fog hits making even thought difficult. I look the same as I always did, "friends" see the same me except a "lazy" version. They lack the ability to see it's not that I don't want to, but that I literally can't do whatever. Self esteem, is a long forgotten memory.
We don't want or need pushing to do things, or micromanagement of our lives which are hard as it is. Comments such as "my husband is like that, just like a child" or "he won't do as I tell him" are a large part of the problem. What is needed is real empathy and support, not judgement and criticism. Your story illustrated that so well
To be honest, this is normal behaviour. I have heart problems, and so did my father. Before he had a heart attack at age 46, he had smoked like a chimney since he was 15 (like everyone back then) and ate like a typical working man -- meat all the time. After his heart attack, he stuck to a better diet and did stop smoking -- but then he started eating really badly, and without smoking his appetite increased and he gained a lot of weight.
My mother thought he was doing it to spite her, because he had always been a very controlling person; but after having several heart attacks and bypasses, he couldn't do a lot of physical things. So this was his way of lashing out after losing his ability to control things...
I feel horrible for you; my mother was in the same situation, feeling like she was just trying to help him live with this condition and he was sabotaging her efforts. I don't know if it was that, or he just wanted to prove he could still do what he wanted...
Being a career brings its own stresses and knock on effects for you.Sometimes anger others sadness and fear for the future.
So very sorry for your husband who is experiencing his own frustrations and acceptance.It’s hard for most coming to terms with health issues .
As a carer I sometimes make a conscious effort to take a back seat and offer no advice or reaction this has the most effect for me but we are all different and so are those we care about. I am still there 24x7 and do all I can.
It sounds like your partner has a lot of expert support.Leave them to deliver the consequences of his actions. It’s not easy as you care ,for him,for your children and your relationship.
Talk to the experts, good friends and relatives and look after yourself.
By the time you read this you are probably over the anger and back to worrying about him.
I think it's so much harder for people supporting people who are ill, so firstly I'd say.. prioritise looking after yourself,you're important too. Seconding I'd say... be as compassionate as you can, addiction is really tough. I've stopped drinking since my heart issues.. i wasn't a big drinker but would get through a couple of bottles of wine most weeks (that might sound big??).. and despite knowing it's the best thing for my body it leaves me feeling sad and a bit raw. If your husband would like to give up things but finds it too hard i can hugely recommended 'Clear Minds' hypnotherapy.. it's not very expensive takes about 25 mins a day.. i know it won't be for everyone but I found it really helpful in dealing with giving up drinking and dealing with anxiety i general. Very best of luck to you and your husband. X
Hi Claresimonds93,What a difficult situation you are in and I completely understand how you feel and of the effect this is having on you both physically and emotionally. Sadly, you can do absolutely everything you possibly can to support and help someone, but if they are not ready to change or don't want to then there is absolutely nothing you can do. We are all different, and being faced with being told that potentially you have to stop doing all the things you enjoy, is not easy to hear or accept. Your husband probably resents his condition as it is preventing him from doing all the things he used to do and enjoy, so every now and again he will push it just to show he can still do.it!! Of course that may then have an affect on him and then you!! I really hope your counsellor is helping you. I am a private counsellor also. I have had 3 heart attacks since 2021 and am presently recovering from a double bypass. I smoked regularly and drank every night, more at the weekend. It all stopped after my first heart attack. I dont miss it at all. For me it was the fear of dying that made me stop!! Of course there are times where I feel I've been robbed!! I sometimes feel resentful too, but I am healthier than I have ever been and will not do anything to jeopardise my health and life!! It all takes time though and maybe your husband is just not quite ready to give up everything that is bad for him? Would he benefit from counselling do you think? It might be worth suggesting? Take care of yourself and I really hope things get better for both of you
I really feel for you. You are in a terrible quandary.
Your husband is sick. He is an addict, and this means that normal decisions that lead to sensible outcomes are not the foremost in his mind. And this depends on which mind he is thinking with at the time. In a way, he has given up on life.
Another post reply suggests counselling and I couldn’t stress enough how much your husband needs this before it is too late for him and you.
I am speaking from experience, I think he needs to imagine the even darker future that awaits before he will change tack.
You can get counselling through your GP or the cardiac rehabilitation service but the waiting lists are long. Trust me it’s worth going privately . I have my own views on what type of counselling works best but each to their own.
I feel quite sure that a lot of his reaction will be ostrich syndrome; burying his head in the sand because of his fear of what's happened and his inability to come to terms with it. Not heart but my husband is diabetic with high blood pressure and now glaucoma s a result yet he goes out and buys 3 big cakes and 2 packets of b iscuits a week and tries to hide them from me and puts a full teaspoon of salt on every meal. I've tried everything from shouting at him to taking photos of his haul and sending them to his doctor. I'm afraid the only thing I can suggest is talking to his doctor yourself and asking him to have a serious talk to him and get counselling for him. I've now given up with my husband. It's his body, his life. I've just started making arrangements so I can cope on my own.
This is kind of related. Before mum died I spent several years caring for her. I was desperate to keep her safe, she kept having falls, insisted on living alone. I was not far away but had many alarm calls day and night. Anyway I found myself treating her more and more like a child, telling her what was good for her, what to eat, drink, how to exercise, stopped her smoking, lectured her and generally became a nag. We had a terrible row one Christmas and I realised I had stopped having fun with mum and had become a pain and I was so stressed out it was harming my health too.
A wise friend advised me to take a step back and let her make her own decisions even if they are not the best because she is an adult and has that right. Go back to being her daughter not her carer. I got carer's in for her and our relationship improved no end. I could have a coffee and a chat without lecturing her.
My point is you are not responsible for your husbands choices you can only be his wife and gently guide. We nag because we want to keep them safe, we want them around longer, we love them. However we can lose ourselves and our relationship in our desire to make them do what we think/know is right for them. That is stressful for both parties.
Allow him to make his own choices, it will be very hard but perhaps in doing so he will make the right choices himself. Take a step back, take a deep breath and loosen your hold a little, maybe joint counselling so you can both discuss this from both sides might help.
Hi I agree this must be extremely frustrating for you but unfortunately seems to be very common with men who seem to lose all sense of reasoning and refuse to listen to the facts( no disrespect meant). My husband has had 2 heart attacks and thankfully he stopped smoking immediately after the first one. He’s never been a big drinker so that wasn’t a problem however he seems unable to address his diet which consists of too many chips cakes etc. I feel I became a nagger after his first H.A ( 20 years ago) I was so worried about our future and just wanted him to take care of himself, it was definitely a strain on our relationship I felt so angry and frustrated with him. After the second H.A ( 12 years after the first but worse) I did calm down unbelievably as I felt it was putting me under too much stress and only he could change it, no amount of nagging pleading whatever was getting me anywhere. I am so grateful that he’s still with us ( 82 yesterday). I also have heart problems now ( triple bypass November 22) and I am the complete opposite to my husband I have never smoked, drink in moderation and have a much healthier diet however I worry about everything I eat which causes a lot of stress which is my problem. I wish you all the best and hope your husband will understand the effect this has on you also. Good luck take care 😊X.
Hello I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in wanting to keep him safe.....I've turned into an anxious,over worrying wife myself since my husband had a heart attack on Boxing Day.It was by far the worst thing I have ever witnessed and don't wish to experience it again.
I don't feel that I will ever not worry about my husband,I think there will alway be something holding me back because if I stop worrying maybe I won't see the signs of another attack.
Plus I haven't had a full night's sleep since it happened,I find myself watching and waiting!
My hubby has changed his eating habits and is a non smoker which is great but the thing that frustrates me is he thinks his recovery should be further than it is,he's pushing himself more and more to be well again and doesn't think that these things take time 😔
I guess he will only do what he wants to do and so will your husband and we just go on supporting but calling them out when we need to!
I am so sorry you are experiencing this horrible situation. There are so many good "advices" here and most seem to suggest that you can't reason with the unreasonable. Your husband needs a good shock! But if he insists that he would rather have "quality of life" than long life, then you need to start making plans for your future without him. Sorry - we can't change another person; only they can do that. But if counselling or therapy work, or even him reading this post and all its answers, I hope you can let us know how you are both doing, Sending hugs🤗🤗
Good morning claresimonds93. I'm glad you managed a long talk with your husband and that some things got sorted out. I replied originally without reading to the bottom of all the posts. Also, if he may be having a transplant he needs his lungs as healthy as possible ie no smoking Good luck and keep us informed and feel free to vent if needed xx
Thank you everyone, I have read all the messages and each one has a slightly different perspective which has been super helpful. I’m sorry I could not reply to you all, please know I appreciate everyone’s time and input. I have spoken with my counsellor today too which has helped massively in understanding my feelings and how better to communicate with my husband. Although I wish he hadn’t done what he did, it has given us the opportunity to have a good discussion and it’s made us stronger. Recovering from a heart attack goes beyond the physical and the recovery never ends when you are left with a life long condition. I’m just so grateful for this forum and the support system it offers!
Oh my goodness you certainly sound as though you are at your wits end, but I can see you are doing everything in your power to help him, would hubby consider speaking to someone? to help with everything he struggles with.
I suffered a major heart attack myself last February and needed bypass surgery I have struggled with lots since but I have listened and taken on board everything I have been asked to do , I did need help processing what had happened and why it happened and the fear of it happening again.
Made some positive lifestyle changes, I havnt smoked in 30 years and never in my life done drugs of any sort so I can’t comment there, I hope your hubby listens to you as you seem to want what’s best, what I can say is my husband has been the best support to me all through this
I’m glad to hear you’ve been taking onboard all the changes you’ve needed to make after your heart attack! It is such a scary experience and takes a long time to get your head around.
I’ve been encouraging my husband to seek counselling since he lost both parents to cancer within a year. He started suffering extreme gastrointestinal problems and no doctors could figure out why - I believe grief and stress can have a huge impact in ways we can’t see. Since his heart attack I’ve thought he needs counselling more than ever but he’s said he doesn’t feel ready to face it all. I do understand as once you speak to someone it drags up a lot of emotions and feelings you may not realise you’ve had. I’ve entered my counsellors office feeling okay and left emotionally drained and upset! But in the long run it is healthier to process the emotions than bottling it up. I’ve stopped mentioning counselling to him now as he’s said he’ll go in his own time when he’s ready and until then there’s no point as he will resent going if it’s just to keep me happy which I agree with. Hopefully some day he will decide it’s what he needs!
yes I agree wholeheartedly if he does decide to go it must be 100 % his decision
I too have suffered and just had a camera down my throat to check tummy they have found severe gastritis and severe duodenitis, when I have an attack I struggle to eat I always feel really uncomfortable but my doctor has been great they seem to think my metformin may be playing a part in that too so I only take one in the morning now and do not eat certain foods, I’m getting there slowly I think it’s just the tiredness I struggle with I’m ready to sleep at about 8pm every evening trouble is 4 hours later I’m up and wide awake !!
Good luck my lovely if ever you need a chat I’m here xx
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Turned down an ICD/SICD offering?
Thanks for letting me know!
15% Ejection fraction and feel well.
still feeling down year after hart attack & stent fitted 
Severe dizziness and spaced out feeling
