I've not posted for a little while, but in the last few weeks, my poor husband has gradually become more and more "down" and frustrated with his life as it is now. He suffered a massive heart attack in March last year, which followed on from radiotherapy for male breast cancer the previous year. He also has bilateral osteoarthritis in his knees, and had been six weeks away from his knee replacement when the heart attack struck, and it is now postponed indefinitely. He finds getting around quite difficult, as his knees are very painful sometimes, and he does become breathless, of course. The doctors have not, so far, found a form of pain relief that works well with his other medication, or that even has the desired effect on his arthritis. He loves to play golf, and as long as he can have a buggy, he can do this. However, he had to pass up on a friend's stag day last weekend, which involved a bit of a golf marathon, as his knees were just too painful when he woke up. This really cheesed him off, as you can imagine! Forced into retiring from coach driving, he tries very hard to find things to fill his days, things that he's able to do without too much pain, but this hasn't proved easy for him. I still work, of course, so I'm not there with him. He needs something to occupy his time that doesn't involve standing, or walking very much, and that can fit around his medication schedule. He misses the camaraderie he had with his coach driver colleagues and friends, and he misses having a routine to follow each day. He's aware that he gets grouchy, and he's always apologising to me for being so, and I feel bad that I have to go to work and can't be with him more. At the moment, I think that he feels that he's the only person ever to feel like this, but of course he's not. Have any of you lovely people found things to do that can take into account the type of thing I've mentioned? I'm sure there must be some sort of voluntary work that he could do, even if it's only once or twice a week, but at the moment, I don't dare suggest such a thing!!
Depressed husband needs help - British Heart Fou...
Depressed husband needs help
1) Medication- you say you have had issues finding medication that interact well. Just a few questions: [Only effective for the relief of gastric upset from interaction]
- Have you considered suppositories (sometime you can get medication patches as well) for some of the meds? This method is rarely used in this country but is the norm abroad and can prevent some of the nasty side effects people on lots of meds experience. I am personally looking at taking my anticoagulation this way as NICE do not recommend people like me take Aspirin and I have vomited regularly since I started it taking it. And let you in on a secret- medication taken this way is so much more effective as you absorb it better. When I broke my leg in Europe I took suppository paracetamol by god it was more effective.
- Alternatively have you tried spacing the meds differently? My Aspirin was originally taken in the morning but the stomach irritation is preventing me eating properly. For now we are trialling taking it at night instead of the morning as a last resort before using suppositories.
2) The other thing I would say on Medication [this is as someone who has to spend 7-8 hrs a week taking medication] the medication schedule needs to fit around your activities not the other way round as far as possible. I may have misinterpreted what you said at that point but really if the medication is just oral pills these can be taken anywhere and should be planned around your plans. If it is in another form like a drip stand [which most mine is] this could be more difficult but again then look at whether the time day you take it is really important. My drip needs to be taken every other day but exact time is not that important which gives me a reasonable deal of flexibility.
3) Activities- this is harder for me to answer as I have been in the position of having to stop/ adapt things I loved but not to the extent your husband is. I used to be a competitive national level swimmer (15 hr a week commitment) and yes that went out of the window but my mobility has not become impaired. My best suggestion would be could he try something completely new. One thing I tried when swimming ended and very much enjoyed was joining a book club. We only meet once a month but it is very sociable and intellectually stimulating. Randomly I actually started learning a second language at evening classes as well- never thought I would be doing that. It is hard giving up something you love but it is an opportunity to try something completely new.
Hello, Midgeymoo, thank you so much for your reply. His main "tie" in respect of his medication are his water tablets - he has to take two in the morning and two later in the day. They take about 45 minutes to an hour to "kick in", and then he's up and running for the next couple of hours. This can, of course, restrict what time of the day he's able to go out and about without having to have a detailed map of where all the nearby public toilets are! He doesn't have anything via a drip.
I have suggested swimming to him, as I love to swim, too, and it's something we could do together. I have no doubt it would help the arthritic pain, too. It was a while ago I suggested it, so perhaps it's time to try again! He's talked about researching his family history, too, and I've offered to show him how to go about this several times, but thus far, it's not happened! I've thought about suggesting, too, that he finds out about attending a course on basic computer skills - he only really knows what I can show him, and isn't at all confident yet. Because he's now over 65, I think that a lot of things would either be free for him or at a lesser cost - money is something else that worries him, now he's on state pension, bless him.
Hello there - this sounds like a huge challenge for you both, especially considering your husband's pain isn't under control. Has he asked his GP for a referral to a specialist pain service or a referral back to a consultant? That's ideally what needs to happen when a GP can't get on top of pain relief in the community.
Often people with multiple health conditions struggle with their mood too, and it seems like your husband is understandably feeling the pressure. If he'd like to access counselling he can do this through his GP, and this can be as an individual as well as you both going as a couple, whichever you feel is best for you.
We've also got a booklet on heart disease and emotional wellbeing, which might be helpful for both of you to have a read through. It's definitely a topic that isn't talked about enough! bhf.org.uk/publications/liv...
I hope this helps.
Take care,
Chris
Thank you so much for that, Chris - I think his poor knees depress him more than anything at the moment, as they compound the issues he still has with the aftermath of the heart attack. We did talk yesterday evening about being referred back to the consultant in respect of his knees, so I'm hopeful he'll pursue that in any case. As far as counselling goes, I am absolutely with you on that - he really needs to talk to people who fully understand his situation. I'm always happy to listen to him, of course, but I will never know exactly how he feels, or the extent of the pain in his knees. I know that he deliberately doesn't tell me some things because he says he doesn't want to worry me - he went to numerous appointments regarding his cancer diagnosis on his own, flatly refused my offers to go with him! What the medical staff must have thought of me I don't know! I've told him that I would far rather know than remain in ignorance, though. I'm going to print off your booklet for him. Thank you again. Catherine
Yep I think the councilling is a good Idea too.
Infact I am on the bus on my way to my first session. It's a group session, but you can do telephone or one to one as well.
Just joining you guys on here the last few weeks has helped me loads 
Good for you - it's really what my hubby needs - it's convincing him that is the problem!!
Well, ha, that didn't work out.
Wrong day, wrong time ):
Was meant to be last night 6/8pm lol....
I have walked around this huge hospital that I have never been to before.
And it has taken me since 12:55 until now to find the correct building for what they are calling the worrying clinic?
So looks like it will be another couple of wks now before I go, as I am away in Norfolk next week.
But when I do go, I'll let you know how it went
Hello Hollysmum,
swimming sounds ideal, easier on the joints and as you say you can do it together. the family tree thing also sounds as if it will keep him busy as well. What about some volunteer work? Where he can be seated for much of the day? Have a look on your local council website they usually have some pointers there. He can always come on here and share his personal experiences, find posts he can answer and give his point of view. Plus give a good old fashioned rant, we all like those
Dear Skid, thank you very much for your reply. I'm straight on to the local council website! There must be something for him from a volunteering point of view. I'm trying to get him to use the internet more, and his laptop generally - I really think he would benefit from talking, online or otherwise, to people in similar situations to his own.
Hi Hollysmum, i'm afraid I can't offer any help with meds etc but has your husband thought of going fishing? Fishing is now being used to help ex-military personnel with PTSD and other issues both physical and mental, and numerous studies have proven beyond doubt it's very beneficial.
I hope it's okay posting this on here but take a look at the Angling Trust website which has an initiative to get more people fishing... getfishing.org.uk/?utm_sour...
Hi, Marc! He actually loves fishing, but hasn't done it for a number of years because of his coach driving work - I think that's worth suggesting. He's also an ex-soldier (of Northern Ireland vintage) and I can see exactly why fishing would be used to help with PTSD. Thank you for the link, too.
As for voluntary work I am a Samaritan and have been one for 10 years now. I have been on a Sabbatical since January following my Stroke, with all going on medically I felt I couldn't commit to my shifts.
I hope to start back some time in September. just a few shifts at first.
While we don't disclose about ourselves to callers it does help to know there are other people who need us, they may not be as 'bad' as us but they do need to share their problems.
Just a thought.
Can't comment on the meds as my husband is a newbie in the heart attack realm and is currently pretty much stuck in the house with leg spasms that stop him going up and down the stairs.
What I can comment on is finding something to do. Look at the adult education classes run locally, we have "men with sheds" where they meet up and make stuff with wood. Family history classes, stain glass is another favourite with men. The problem will be getting him to the first one then he will be hooked.
Great suggestions as usual, voluntary work and water based activities are fantastic ways of filling the time. However, creating a sense of self worth and meeting the challenge of depression requires some time spent addressing the emotional adjustment.
GP surgeries can arrange for some talking therapy that enables the process of adjustment, for me my wife and I can now talk about the impact of my health decline without me getting defensive, feeling frustrated but it has taken a few years.
Depression is also managed by setting dates for the diary.
The sudden stop, continuing pain and the frustration of delayed surgery have a cumulative impact, adjustment time and new goals help.
Very well said, Mark - my husband really misses his sense of purpose in life, and will refer to himself as "useless" "lazy old g*t" (because there are some tasks at home that he's no longer able to do easily) and other similar things. I gladly take on the tasks he can no longer do, of course, but it really annoys him that he has to let me! Despite no longer being allowed to drive coaches, he would still be able to drive minibuses, and as driving is the one thing with which he has no problem, I have wondered if he could perhaps be a volunteer driver - I think it would be perfect for him in many ways. As one other poster here said, it's taking the step to go along for the first time that's the hardest, so I may have to work on him a bit!
Yes you will find there is a great need for voluntary drivers in the medical field.
There is many people, not just the elderly who need transport to & from the city hospitals.
If he is anything like me, he really does need to feel some self worth.
it is really difficult when barriers are put in our way.
I like my independence, otherwise I feel smothered & trapped.
I keep trying to explain to my partner that I know due to what has happened to me, he'll be worried.
But he has to give me space & allow me to do things for myself. I ask how he thinks I manage when he is at work, lol.
I say, sometimes I do need help, but you se to have selected hearing in those cases, hahaaa.
Yes he needs to have a purpose in this world & I am sure with support, he will soon find it.
What about painting, sketching, music etc.
If he likes fly fishing, he could create the flys.
And what has been previously, adult education.
Fantastic!
I went to college at the grand old age of 44. Wasn't sure at first, but loved ever minute of it. It just made me feel part of something.
Keep us up dated with hiw things are going.
Please be patient with him, we all adjust in different stages.
Try not to fall into that emotional trap of feeling sorry for him.
What has happened, has happened.
There is support out there, not just for your husband. It is there for you too. Just sign on to the BHF
What ever you do, please don't fall into his current negative feelings right now. I kniw it is very hard not to.
No, you have to try possitive as much as possible. So eventually he will find your strength to help him move on.
Most important thing for you, is look after you, before you can evan think of looking after him.
Huge big hugs, Jo xx
Bless you, Jo, such wise words. He does his very best not to be negative (it's not his normal nature at all), and I know he gets really frustrated with not being able to do things as easily as he used to - heck, I would, too! I refuse to feel sorry for him, but I do have sympathy - none of this is his fault, after all, he certainly didn't ask for it. I think the other thing that frustrates him is that he has to accept that recovery is a lot slower than he would have liked! I've found this forum brilliant for myself, let alone for him, and I will certainly do some updates! Catherine xx
Yes I know what you are saying.
Same as me really, the heart attack & bypass hasn't really bothered me. My attitude is, it's happened, I can't change it. I have just got to move on.
But what gets me, is the time it's taken due to other health issues. I guess I'm not too patients. And I'm guessing your husband is the same.
If my work was office based, I would probs have gone back ages ago.
But like your husband, my work has always been more manual hands on. So this being limited has really, really got me down.
But saying try not to show you emotional side doesn't mean I am belittling his issues & saying tell him to snap out of it. No believe me, I know exactly wh where you & he are coming from. Never felt so helpless in my entire life. But hopefully things are starting to look up now.
None of us deserve this, but it's how we move on that counts.
I know there has been times I have dwelled on my situation. And at those times my family showed pity. Pity & sorrow are the worst thing.
I needed them to say.
Ok, so things are a bit tough, so lets sit down & work out together whete we go from here.
It is so hard for families. They never know what to say or what to do for the best.
I say, positivity, positivity.
We can't always do what we used to do. So now we have to find something else.
Main thing is, it will get better, I promiss, it will get easier xx
Fear of further rejection often prevents us from taking that first step. For me someone asked for my help and although I still manage work self esteem and worth were improved by that request.
The things I used to do are good memories - for example into my mid twenties I could run 100 metres well inside 11 seconds, a mile inside 5 minutes and a marathon inside 3 hours 15 minutes.
Now I con't run for a bus, walk up hill or complete the marathon course without someone else pushing around the life support machine I would need.
Getting caught in the past is so dangerous, we accept change in our lives everyday but when it is forced on us abruptly because of something we can't control we lose perspective.
Volunteer driving is great, the options are good as well because you can start with hospital transport or some pharmacies look for part time prescription delivery drivers.
The primary point is we are not defined by what we can't do - we define ourselves in many different facets of our personality. Poor health exposes the irrational conclusions about why others thought of us as important to them.
Again, well said! There are many things he's good at - he's normally a very sociable soul, and he's got what my dad calls "the gift of the gab" and can talk to anyone at any level. He loves children, elderly ladies primp their hair for him, and he has a wicked sense of humour. His knowledge of Britain is amazing, because of his many years as a touring coach driver.
Hollysmum, you sound like such a fantastic and supportive partner for your husband to have. So tough to see someone you love go through hard times and I think it's amazing that you're pursuing so many practical ways of helping him and are able to sound so positive and emotionally sensitive too. I'm sure your support is making a huge difference to him already, I hope you're able to see evidence of it soon. Well done and lots of love to you and your family x
What a lovely reply, thank you, Laura - that has made my day!
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