Am I destined to stay big?

So over the years I’ve been yo-yo-ing with my weight. I’ve been as low as 180lbs and 36” waist, and up to 250lbs and 51” waist. Every time I lose a good amount of weight I fall back and end up bigger than before. So over the past 12-18 months I’ve been trying to accept myself for how I am (while trying to be healthy) as it’s been a decade since I was ‘thin’ and wonder if I’m destined to stay big. What do you feel about yourself?

[MEJones]

Hi Kuga_UK

It seems like you’ve been through years of termoil regarding your weight. I think it’s brilliant that you’re learning how to accept yourself and see all the things that make you beautiful! No matter what size we are, we all have something to offer the world, it sounds a cliche but what’s on the inside really does matter so much more. In the long run it’s much healthier to be accepting of yourself, because spending your life worrying about your weight is such a waste of all your precious time and energy.

Speaking as someone who’s ranged from 16st down to 6st 4 & having recovered from severe anorexia athletica I really do know how hard accepting yourself can be. I’ve put my body through so much & only now do I see how resilient it can be. I wasn’t happy at my largest but whilst I was within the hold of my anorexia I would have given anything to go back. Being that thin was the WORST time of my life and made me miserable to my core, I’d cry everyday when I looked at myself because I despised what I saw & more than that i’d lost who I was, I had no humour,no joy and no happiness because I was trapped in this tiny frail body that had stripped me of my personality. beauty 1000000% is not about the number you see on the scales.

Reading your words touched me as self acceptance is hugely important. The quicker we can learn this the happier and more fulfilled our lives can be. Body positivity should be a no1 priority for all parents to teach their children (boys and girls) as a society we need to be kinder and less judgemental.

I really hope everyday you continue to appreciate yourself even more and see how unique and beautiful you are regardless of your size. x

[sam053j in reply to MEJones]

Hi MEJones,

I’ve actually been though a bit of anorexia myself. It was years ago when I was in high school and college. I found it harder and more miserable to be thin then it was to be bigger. I also battle depression. I’ve gained a lot of weight and it’s really hard for me to find beauty in myself because of my inner issues with food and my body image. I understand what your going through and it is so hard to love yourself. Good for you. It’s really hard to overcome anorexia. I constantly want to go back to it, but then I think about how I felt at that time. It’s hard, and I wish I could be thin. But maybe I’m not meant to be.

[MEJones in reply to sam053j]

Hi sam053j

It must be really hard struggling with the thoughts about your weight whilst also dealing with depression, I’m sure all that does it make those feelings and thoughts even more intense and the voices telling you you’re not good enough even stronger. The fact that you’re trying to learn acceptance of yourself is brilliant! I’m really impressed you’ve managed to ignore those anorexic voices, I’m sorry you suffered when you we’re younger, it’s a horrible illness that strips who you are away from you & causes untold unhappiness. Whenever you feel down and feel like being thin will make happy, just remind yourself how you unhappy you were back when you were suffering & try to find a positive about yourself, repeat this constantly until those negative thoughts subside.

If you’re meant to be bigger then embrace your body, embrace how fantastic it is & how much it does for you. Being thin doesn’t equal health or happiness, and you deserve both, especially after what you’ve been through. It’s hard to accept that sometimes our bodies know Best, if your body is happier being 5,10,15,20 or even 200lbs heavier than you’d like then let it be that way it’s telling you it needs to be there for a reason.

Im not sure if you already do but is there any help you could seek for your depression so you could talk through your fears? Maybe some therapy? Or do you have a close friend you could confide in when you’re feeling low? Sometimes all we need is a solid shoulder to cry on or a good laugh with someone who understands us to reaffirm that there is beauty in this world.

Stay strong and keep being you x

[sam053j in reply to MEJones]

Thank you so much for those words on encouragement and kindness! I’m trying to feel nd a new doctor since my old doctor moved to a different clinic that doesn’t accept my insurance. I do however need to seek counseling. I know it would help. Being over weight hasn’t caused me as many issues as being thin. I can vouch for that. And you are absolutely right about turning my negativity into positivity. It can be so incredible difficult at times. I don’t really have any friends. Itend to be a bit of a home body. I spend the majority of my time with my family. I do have a really great boyfriend, and he tries, but lately we’ve been so busy that I don’t have much time to talk to him. He is dealing with a lot of stress himself. He has 2 jobs and is in a custody battle with his ex for his kids. Which really gets him down at times. I have to say that my body image has gotten significantly better since I’ve gained weight. Which if I were to try and convince my younger self that I wouldn’t have listened. It’s amazing how much healthier my mind can be when my body is healthy. It’s just so nice to have people to talk to. This chat space is pretty cool. I’m new to it and thought “why not”. I have no one to talk to and this is pretty cool. I like that it is pretty private and non judgmental.

Again, thank you for the feedback. I can use any conversation at this point.

[MEJones in reply to sam053j]

Really good to hear you have a supportive partner and a good family unit. Your boyfriends situation sounds pretty tricky and I’m sorry you both have so much to cope with, it can’t be easy but it’s fantastic that you have each other. Maybe whilst you’re trying to find some personal help/therapy you & your partner could sit down & get all your feelings out to each other, sometimes just releasing your thoughts out of your head can feel really good. Me and my husband always try to expel our issues & troubles to each other as it feels so stressful trying to keep it all in & it gets really overwhelming.

I 100% relate to being a home body & liking the company of my family’, I think it’s because it’s easier to be 100% you around close family members. This is a great forum and a nice place to chat to people and also a good place to ask questions + get advice, it’s nice to log on & know you’re not alone. I hope you can find a therapist ‘& your insurance won’t throw up too many barriers. Luckily I’m in the Uk so receive free medical care, I suffer from type 1 diabetes so have free therapy to chat about the mental effects of having an incurable condition.

What you said about feeling better now you’re bigger is exactly how you should feel! It just proves that what you’re doing is right and is what your body is asking for. It also means your mind is getting back to being in a happier place, give it a little bit of time and you’ll probably start to feel even better. x

[sam053j in reply to MEJones]

Thank you so much! All your kind words really help. I was having a pretty hard day today. I really like this forum already.

I’m sorry your going through that. I can’t imagine how hard that must be to have a disease that can never go away. But it sounds like you have a wonderful husband as well. I will talk to my boyfriend and see if he would be willing to do something like that. He’s a little weird about sharing his feelings. But he’s gotten better, so who knows! Lol

[MEJones in reply to sam053j]

Men can be so funny when it comes to expressing themselves and sharing their feelings, it’s encouraging through that your boyfriend is trying to express himself more as in the long run it’s always better to get things out in the open as otherwise they just eat you up on the inside. Your positive outlook is lovely to see and the fact that you’re trying to take control of your issues and not be defeated by them is fantastic! It’s hard, but you just have to keep telling yourself that you deserve the life you want and you are more than your problems x

[sns36]

I understand your struggle. I have been there. At this point my weight is up. 240lbs at my heaviest I was about 260lbs. And I went down a couple years ago and it’s crept back on. Whenever I have to make a concerted effort to lose weight I don’t. I lost the most weight recently when I moved away from home. But now I am back again and the bad habits and the weight are back. Dealing with depression makes it even more difficult. But you are right self acceptance is something that is key. And most of the time all I feel is disgust. I wish you luck. One step at a time you will make it.

[MEJones in reply to sns36]

I’m so sorry you feel this way sn36, dealing with weight gain isn’t easy if it’s not where you want to be, but if you look at the positives you are still 20lbs down on your old weight and that’s an achievement in itself.

I think as a society we are constantly judging ourselves by other people’s stabdards, when Really the only person you should judge yourself against is you! Depression is not an easy thing to deal with and can make it seem like there’s no point, and makes you feel like giving up, but please don’.t. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself, or like about your life as sometimes just finding a single simple positive can lift your mood.

Remember you are beautiful, no matter how you might see yourself, you are a human being with a heart and a mind and that’s worth fighting for. it doesn’t matter what size body you’re in, what really matters is what radiates from the inside. x x