funerals

[Caza]

How do you cope with funerals? Since my daughter died I’ve been suffering with PSTD. It’s pretty much under control now but funerals are a big trigger for me. I usually go to them & zone out don’t think about the person or what’s going on. Which isn’t very nice & makes me feel guilty. Next week I’ve got the funeral of a much loved dear friend. I was with him only a couple of weeks ago. At the end of the evening he gave me the biggest hug ever. I think he knew. His wife is nicest person I’ve ever met. It would be disloyal I feel to zone out but how will I cope. Any tips???

[chloe40 Administrator]

Sorry to read this Caza

Hmm… that’s a difficult one, I’ll get back to you on this x

[kenster1 Volunteer]

at first I didn`t notice much difference as to how I felt but over the years they became harder and harder I feel I can hardly breathe and now try find a space at the back of the church or the side of an aisle.Once I even took a brown paper bag to breathe in and I always chew gum and take water.

[Caza in reply to kenster1]

I always stay at the back. This is a really close friend so I might be pushed to the front but I’ll do my best to get an aisle seat right at the back. I always have an escape route planned. I guess if I have to I’ll zone out but my friend deserves more. Waters a good idea.

[Hidden in reply to Caza]

Hello Caza I empathise with your situation, mines different as I hadn't seen my best friends mother for many years she died last November, my friend invited me and my mother we used to live in same nebourhood been friends since age 4, my mum couldn't face it nor could I with my dad dying few years before( 4 years last Friday) I told my friend we couldn't face it would find it distressing, but of course I would have gone to support her should she not have a husband and 11 brothers and sisters, and her 2 adult children, i said my own little prayer for my friends mum, I believe the spirit lives on and that your friend will not at all think it's disloyal of you not to go, and would not want you to be distressed, of course as it will bring back painful memories, just my dad's anniversary gave me flash back for a few days of that arful day, it wasn't the best of send offs as was pandemic only 4 of us there, no wake even, me and my mum.lit a candle for him when we got home near his photo, I have found however other funerals after the service upsetment over, that the wake was kind of uplifting as in a celebration of there life with happy stories and memories of them, and good to see relations not seen in ages, you may make get closer to your friends wife and both benefit and find comfort in this, and stay in touch hopefully, I think if you go sitting near the door be good option then you know you can get away if it's overwhelming, sometimes things aren't as bad as we expect tho, im.sorry I cant be properly helpful I guess there's no cut and dry solution, I guess say a little inward prayer tonight to your guidian angel or the powers that be, think of your friend, and daughter before you sleep ask for the answer wake up and you'll know and should feel calmer about what you decide, remember there watching over and giving us strength each day, there just a thought away. Maby visualise yourself at the service been calm deep breath as you do this, sending a hug 🤗🤍

[Caza in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your reply. It isn’t an option not to go. It would offend the family & our joint friends. They were there for me when my daughter died & also when my sister who was my best friend died suddenly just 4yrs later. No I have to go. I think my friend, whose funeral it is would say, you have to be there you’ve been through worse & we were there for you. Choles idea is good. I’ll work it out somehow

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi Caza

I've been thinking about this and I am wondering if you could 'desensitise' yourself a little by saying your personal goodbye the day before the funeral.

When you're alone, you might like to write your friend a letter, putting our emotions on paper often helps, light a candle and place it alongside a few flowers. Read your personal letter out loud, you'll shed a few tears I'm sure but I'm hoping it would make the Service more bearable, and although you'll still feel tearful, you may be able to focus your sadness on your friends and the family.

Definitely, try to get am aisle seat toward the back, something I always do, it's your safety net.

Sending love

Chloe x

[Caza in reply to chloe40]

Oops I spelt your name incorrectly.

Thanks for replying. Your idea sits well with me. I shall keep thinking about his family & how much worse it is for them & if they can do it then so shall I. I shall try to block out my daughter’s funeral. It is as Kenny says hard to breathe & the more you panic the worse it becomes until I want to do a runner I’ll have a few moments the day before & if I have to I’ll zone out Thanks everyone x