For those members who have been with us - Bereavement Care ...

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For those members who have been with us

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator
25 Replies

For a long time,

Would you say you have complicated grief?

Chloe<3

25 Replies
kenster1 profile image
kenster1Volunteer

I did with my mum and son but struggle to understand why I`ve not really grieved my dad.

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to kenster1

Hi Kenny I can fully understand how difficult it would have been after the loss of your son❤️

If you had a very close relationship with you Mum, that too would be understandable but why you haven't been able to grieve for your Dad is a mystery. You did have many losses one after the other Kenny and I'm not sure in what order but I do remember you lost a chase risked aunt too.

You never can tell, I'd have thought that the closer the relantionship the likely that grieving would not be straightforward but look at me!

My relationship with my Dad as a child, was not good, yet grief has been a nightmare!

What do you think?

Chloe

Caza profile image
Caza in reply to chloe40

That’s difficult Chloe, I had a good relationship with my father until I discovered in a very traumatic way that he wasn’t the person that I believed him to be. When he died I felt nothing. That was a few yrs ago now & still zilch. How can I grieve for someone who wasn’t very nice just because he’s my father. Life isn’t straightforward is it.

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Caza

That's horrible Caza That must have been so awful for you, how did you cope?

I just can't believe I've spent so much time grieving for a man that was not nice shall we say.

Chloe<3

Caza profile image
Caza in reply to chloe40

It was horrific at the time & I didn’t cope at all well back then but I had my children by then so I just had to carry on. Friends & other family members knew something awful had happened but because it involved someone else I couldn’t tell anyone what it was. Now when people ask about my childhood I avoid the question. I feel my whole childhood was fake. On the day I found out, my father was dead to me. It’s strange isn’t it but he truly was. That sounds so cold.

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Caza

That's really sad Caza

Maybe like you, I have vivid memories of my childhood (why is it we remember the grim times) and even though they were a few happier times, the nightmare of the real man, is ever present, so it makes no sense that even now I'm 'suffering', he's at peace and I'm not!

Chloe

Caza profile image
Caza in reply to chloe40

Maybe I get my peace from knowing the end of life for him was miserable & that he can never hurt anyone again. I have no regrets about not seeing him again or when hearing about his death

gracy225 profile image
gracy225

Hi Chloe, I think all/any grief is complicated. Add to that guilt (which I have and always will) and it could be a recipe for "sliding down the rabbit hole". Among other and maybe worse tragedies in my life, my dear sister died 10 years ago in a house fire. Yep, I was to be at her house (she had MS too only much worse than I) to be with her only I was late. It will never leave me and always haunt me. "coulda woulda, shoulda " Complicated indeed.

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to gracy225

Dear gracy225 {{{hugs}}}

I just can't imagine the pain you are going through, the loss of your sister in such circumstances is more than tragic <3

I fully understand that you relive that day over and over and that it will always be with you.

I doubt that anything I can say would help and I imagine you have had counselling, but ....

As you say, you think about your sister every day and I would too.

I'm always available for private message or here on the forum <3

You are in my thoughts

Chloe <3

Caza profile image
Caza in reply to gracy225

That’s so very hard & sad. I too suffer with “coulda woulda, shoulda” it doesn’t matter how much you beat yourself up though it doesn’t bring them back. I will & im sure you will be haunted forever but I try really hard to put my guilt in a little box & only visit when I can’t not.

GoGo_JoJo profile image
GoGo_JoJo

Agreed. All life is complicated, and all life includes grief. Some encounter more and some more traumatic but I don't really think there's such a thing as simple or straightforward grief.

Learning to grieve and accept is missing in our education systems and even in our communities. The realities only tend to hit when it happens and there's no time to get it "right" or to really understand what's happening, or what needs to happen which causes delayed reactions and long term issues which can have a huge impact on us and those around us.

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to GoGo_JoJo

Absolutely agree GoGo_JoJo

We have no idea what to expect in such circumstances and education on this

subject is sadly lacking, it' shocking when you think about it!

Chloe<3

Sandradsn profile image
Sandradsn

It's hard enough going through grief but then life chucks all sorts of other stuff at you.Yes complicated grief , we are not prepared for.I feel my grief is on hold still! x

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Sandradsn

You're so right Sandra,We all have other issues in our daily lives that are ongoing and unresolved and it doesn't help one bit!

Chloe <3

Caza profile image
Caza

I didn’t know what complicated grief was until you mentioned it to me before, so I looked it up. I definitely do.

Trying really hard to cope with it now.

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Caza

You really are Caza

You've been ploughing through doing everything you can to manage, and I admire that so much.

I think a lot of us have been going under and just can't find a way up ❤️

Chloe

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14

I carry a formal diagnosis of it :( It was a struggle and I had at least a year of crying and struggle. It's a tough process to go through

What about you ?

❤️🐬

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Dolphin14

It's so tough isn't it Dolphin14 I'm glad at least you had a diagnosis, a lot of bereaved don't sadly.

Me, well I seem to dig my way up only to fall back down

❤️Chloe

Dolphin14 profile image
Dolphin14 in reply to chloe40

It is so hard Chloe. I was in active therapy for PTSD so it was something they caught on to after the few months went by and I just couldn't stop crying etc.

It's so difficult. Grief just follows it's own path and we can't change that. I'm sorry for your pain.

Peace to you Chloe

❤️🐬

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Dolphin14

I'm so sorry you've been through that but pleased it was picked up.You're right of course, it's a path that we have to tread, sadly we have no idea what to expect and that is very wrong!

Chloe

Nathalie99 profile image
Nathalie99

Hi Chloe,

I haven't had any professionals say that to me but I had a few losses that were worse to deal with due to more traumatic circumstances.

I can't be sure whether it's complicated grief or trauma.

Thank you for asking the question... xx

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Nathalie99

Hi Nathalie,It does seem to vary and I take it's because we have different relationships with family and friends, but that doesn't always prove to be true. Whatever it is, several losses in a short period of time takes it toll <3

Chloe

waylay profile image
waylay

For my Mum, no. It has been so, so hard, but I think the pandemic gave me the time and space I needed to grieve for her. Still hurts, but I'm getting there. (She died in April 2020.) All the other deaths since then (6 humans, 2 cats), my family falling apart, and dire poverty? Yeah. Grieving, and complicated is an understatement.

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to waylay

That's so awful waylay

What can I say except my heart goes out to you {{{hugs}}}

I wish I could offer some other solution.....

Chloe <3

waylay profile image
waylay in reply to chloe40

Thank you, @ Chloe

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