I ask myself how long this 'grief' goes on

[chloe40]

Always wondering when I might feel differently.

How about you, what do you think/feel.

Chloe<3

[Hidden]

It usually takes about 6 months before you start to feel better.

[GoGo_JoJo]

Gosh, that would depend on which "grief" "this" was...🤔

Individual losses do lessen over time but as we age its inevitable that our total sum of grief will grow, so, rather like alcoholism or depression, you learn new coping strategies and ways of dealing with things so that particular cup doesn't run over into each and every day.

Yes, we will continue to have moments of sadness, but we have to learn to look for the little joys, after all anyone whom we truly miss will surely have wanted continuing joy for us, no?

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

Wise words Jo and absolutely right of course.

If you were to read any book on Grief, it says around 3years but how anyone possible make that statement, it's beyond me.

Thanks Jo

<3

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to chloe40]

I don't think there's any "one fits all" option for grief. I think we play a huge part in our "recovery" very much like with cognitive behavioural therapy for depression. We can choose to stay in the dark, holding on to the pain, sometimes feeling that's all we've got, or we can step into the light and forge a new path...different to what we had.

There is a real danger with grieving I believe when the default mood is always sadness, for then it becomes a comfort zone and is much harder to leave. My mother didn't know how (and didn't want to learn) to leave this default after my father died. Had she had a choice she would have chosen to go within 6 months of him, easily.

It's a tough one as it can also be linked to natural tendencies...🤔 she couldn't feel any empathy for others so didn't care if or how anyone else suffered. Nothing and no one else mattered to her, and she couldn't pretend they did so how could she embrace what she had left? 🤷‍♀️

You, on the other hand are a warm and caring person, that is patently obvious, so part of you will naturally want to see light, laughter and love around you. Embracing these, even if it's in others and their lives, helps us too.

[socratesanne in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

"I think we play a huge part in our "recovery" very much like with cognitive behavioural therapy for depression. We can choose to stay in the dark, holding on to the pain, sometimes feeling that's all we've got, or we can step into the light and forge a new path...different to what we had"....Copied this as I think I need to take a day or so to ponder this wise statement as it seems to have hit home for me tonight with the day I have had with the problems brought to me this day.. Thanks I have work to do. The post below it to me the epitome of what I know from so many people who have lost children. I almost lost my own son a few times but it only made me more aware of how special he is. Life means so much to some folks and not so mucho others. I often have admired those who believe in an after life as it feels like a gift I have no awareness what that feels like?! think this is also a place I need to visit in my own thinking. I have read a lot of Kulber Ross thoughts but nothing seems to take in my own psyche.

[GoGo_JoJo in reply to socratesanne]

I believe we are eternal spiritual beings having a temporary human existence. We are here to learn and grow.

It took me an awful long time to understand that ultimately I was responsible for the quality of my own life (happiness-wise), that "growing up" actually meant taking on that responsibility fully. I don't always want to be that "grown up" but it was a huge help.

I can only speak from my experience but I really hope it might help you too 💕

[socratesanne in reply to GoGo_JoJo]

It is the "temporary" that was not taught to me. I have felt it was a calling, so to speak to live the way I have. My parents took me to church and dropped me off and went home. No one seemed to care about the after life what so ever and place some sort of game in the pretending stance.

Even my mothers in-laws disowned me and her because my dad was not Catholic and my mother family were methodist. The religions were seemingly a game of who can have the larger congregation and therefore, Money. Oddly the one who had not seeing scruples was my mother who believed in reincarnation but then never told anyone else of that thought.

Truth is what I have searched for, like they speak of Socrates who went around people to find out if they knew anything. Many decades I am still searching and found many answers but mainly from docs who had patients with NDE and people who told me of these. It is something I have always hoped for to help me see a brave new Heaven that was spoken of in the books I read at those churches but a sign would have helped in some tactile way.

Recently I have learned the ability that I had from early on to feel what others feel but in this realm of disconnection it seems trapped for so many, searching much like I have and that causes me tremendous grief. Am unclear as to why that is. Either way when someone speak to me my skin can literally feels this disruption in them and realize that is a normal past history of this connection but all I want to do is hope they find their truth. Have spent too long in knowing mine which lead to so much pain it has be literally and physically disruptive to my trust in so much.

I refuse to give up on humanity and hope humanity begins to expand in love and harmony. My background in music makes me crave this harmony and a hope that covers the lack of knowledge gap when I need it the most.

Quarantine gives me this time in between people to help me get my footing when I need it. Unfortunately this is happening more often lately when I was a go getter and always relished errands and getting out in the community. Now that has been lost.

Sorry for my length but hope there are folks out there who can relate and project some of what works for you all. I am beginning to lose ideas that are productive without a total cease speaking to others and go into my realm only of reading and research.

I do think , as you say, that I spent my entire past being the grown up as others were not in the true sense of spiritual beings and now I am exhausted of being everyones catalyst for ideas and energy since I think I drained all mine a few years ago andI barely have any energy left. The good thing is I sleep easily nowadays for the most part. That is definitely part of the answer.

[Greyone]

I must acknowledge your that my 3 years rule is not on firm ground but i find it attractive despite all the talk about our grief being individual. I am wondering where my grief really comes from and whether or not it is a mixture of my losses.

In my tears i sometimes ask your question and try to think what will comfort me.

My latest thought is wondering if visiting mum and dad so often is good for me. That's why i am trying for 3 months now, every tie the seasons change. I like to visit the babies an war graves. Its amazing to think of all those brave young men lying there from around the world.

Despite its popularity i am not impressed by the 7 stages of grief but i am more in favour of that teardrop model you posted some time ago.

I'm also wondering if some of my issues are to do with getting older. With so many things ha-pending the same time it is so easy to blame things on losing mum.

For example. This week and last i have been on a virtual training course learning how to be a JCP work coach . I am trying to convince myself that i am consumed with range at the lie I was told and how badly the course is being run. But no. I am writing this because i got bored, wanted an outlet for my thoughts and though of this place. I'm also wondering if i should give my work coach some grief because of this. especially no w i understand her job more and the power behind the written word.

Well that's me done so good night all.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Greyone]

Hi Greyone

My you do have a way with words and deep meanings, you also have the insight to answer your own thoughts and questions, which I admire.

Follow your thoughts and you will have the answer <3