Nightmares and flashbacks

[jasm]

My mum died in hospital on 29th December after a brave battle with IPF and COPD. I don't fee I cans tart grieving because I can't get those final days out of my head. I was with her in hospital every day from 11th Dec to 28th December and I stayed overnight that night till she died on 29th. The problem with the hospital care over the Christmas period was not that staff were uncaring but in some ways the opposite. Every new shift that came on the ward tried really hard to keep her alive but it was prolonging her suffering and she'd had enough. There were not the usual hospital rounds with doctors due to holidays. There was no palliative care team. Each time a doctor spoke to me he/she apologised for not being familiar with her situation but said that they just needed to keep her comfortable. Then the new shift of agency workers would arrive and do the opposite in their efforts to keep her alive. There are many examples but here are 2. I arrived one morning to find my mum very uncomfortable as they had taped the oxygen mask to her face. She had kept taking it off, she was agitated because by then, she was on the highest level of O2 and it wasn't enough. I feel they should have let her rest comfortably. When I spoke to a doctor I could find he said the mask should be taken off if she wants. She was screaming when they untaped it because her skin was so fragile and it was tearing. The evening of the 28th December she was panicking because she felt like she was suffocating even with the mask on. She became frightened and agitated and the doctor had promised me that he would tell the nursing staff to give her whatever meds she needed to keep her calm and unfrightened because we were in her last hours. I was asking for those drugs through the evening and the nursing staff were saying no, she had some 2 hours earlier and had to wait another 2 hours. The doctor hadn't had time to tell them what he'd told me. I could see he was overwhelmed dealing with everyone on his own even when he was there. In the end I really pressed them and they reluctantly gave her morphine. Then she calmed and I was able to hold her hand and talk to her as she drifted off to sleep. She slept then for 7 hours and took her last breath at 6.03am the next morning. I feel like we all let her down. My husband says that 6 weeks on I am still shouting out in my sleep calling for a doctor or a nurse. I have given just 2 examples of the issues that I had to resolve while I was with her but every day there was something different. I know everyone tried to help but somehow, it was wrong. I don't know how to move on, even the funeral hasn't helped.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello jasm

A very warm welcome to our Community.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Mum. You had such an awful experience when it should have been a calm and peaceful ending for her after so much illness and suffering.

I completely understand that you are angry, I would be too! and you're clearly stunned by the whole episode, no wonder you are shouting at night. Have you spoken with your own doctor? they should be aware of what is causing you such anxiety, as it is clearly affecting your health. They may help by referring you to a Bereavement Counsellor or therapist as you definitely need to talk this through.

You could also make enquiries to see if there is a way for you to discuss your concerns with the hospital, I would imagine there is, as it will help you to talk this through and hopefully get some answers. This won't bring your dear Mum back, but it will give you the opportunity to discuss the pain you are feeling and why.

Please do keep in touch, we are here to support you <3 always.

Warm wishes

Chloe

[klr31]

I had a similar experience with my dad in hospital last April and May. Bank holidays and weekends - no doctors and staff limited; anticipatory medication which had been allocated for dad wasn't given and too much fluid given to dad after he'd got over pneumonia causing him to get fluid on his lungs and die. No medication given to alleviate his suffering, nowhere for me to stay and I was exhausted and ill so unable to do so, no-one else to sit with him so he was alone although I did get to the hospital just before he finally died. I feel I massively let down my dad even though I was at breaking point after four years of exhausting visits to the Home and hospitals where he kept being taken. You have my heartfelt sympathy as it's not easy to get over a traumatic death which shouldn't have been allowed to happen that way.

Karen x

[Kathush]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It sounds to me like you were doing everything in your power to keep her comfortable and feeling loved, far from letting her down. I have been in a similar situation as yours, with my dad, and after he passed i would wake up out of breath, unknown reason but i think i was feeling what he felt near the end, subconsciously. Take time to care for you, your mom was absolutely blessed to have you there.

[jasm]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m very sorry for your own loss too.