Less than a week to go....... :(

[JOLLYDOLLY]

Our dad passed away on 23rd March 2017 and we have had to wait until 21st April to say our farewells. Evidently the funeral directors are still coping with a back log from Christmas of people passing away.

It is so much harder this time, as we are saying good bye not only to our remaining parent but also to the house we grew up in. So much to do, so much paper work.

To make it worse, the lady that lived next door, who has always been there and we called Auntie, passed away a couple of months a go and her house has just sold. End of an era and I think it was the last thing that tipped my dad into finally giving up.

He never got over my mum becoming ill and having to go into nursing care. She sadly passed away February of last year.

I care for my younger sister who has learning disabilities and is an adult child. She has coped remarkably well about losing mum, but has not really shown much grief about dad. I know they did not have the same relationship. He loved her but did not have the patience or rapport that we have. To top it all, she had a nasty fall on her birthday this week, whilst she was out. Some nasty bruising to her shoulder, I am only glad she did not hit her face when she fell, otherwise it could have been a lot worse. So I feel I let her down, although she was not with me at the time. All I kept thinking was, what would mum do or what would she think of me for letting this happen. I know it isn't my fault but with everything else, it makes you think that way. Well to me it does.

I have this constant sick feeling and dull ache in the pit of my stomach. I want to cry, but I can't, bare an occasional weep. I know the tears will fall when I see the coffin, but I just want everything to be ok.

Mum and dad always said life goes on when someone in the family passed away and it does, but it is so heart breaking when it is someone you loved. Looking at old photo's and sorting clothes and mountains of paper work hoarded from as far back as the 1960's!

I bought a leg of lamb for Easter lunch and without thinking I said, "Dad will enjoy that" then I realised what I had said. Just felt so empty and alone even though I have a wonderful husband. Is this normal?

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello JOLLYDOLLY

Oh dear, this is so hard for you to cope with, it unbelievable that you've had to wait so long for the funeral arrangements and to say your farewells. You are going to need to all your strength now to get through this.

I'm so sorry that on top of this you've had to deal with the paperwork and family home and it really is sad to think of your neighbour too. {{{hugs}}}

You really can't be responsible for your sister when she wasn't with you and I know you do! but think this through rationally, it could have happened at anytime even with your Mum and try not to lump everything together because you are making the load heavier to carry.

You will cry, I'm sure of it, at the moment you are trying to keep it all together. The nausea and stomach ache will disappear after the Service and all will go well on that day JOLLYDOLLY.

Keep your photos and any mementoes together, so you can reflect in the future and it is indeed normal to feel lonely even though you have a husband.

Take good care and we'll be thinking of you.

Warm wishes

Chloe

[JOLLYDOLLY in reply to chloe40]

Thank you Chloe,

Love Jayne xx

[Marie_14]

I am so sorry for your loss and I know what you are going through with the awful wait for the funeral. The same thing happened to me when my husband died. He died in February. It is very hard because you can't grieve.

As for the paperwork. I still have lots to do. I am not putting myself under more pressure so it will be dealt with when I am able to do it.

So sorry about all of this. Only a few days to go to the funeral. It really does help that you can cry afterwards. I didn't cry on the day but cried later at home. God bless and take care of you.

Marie x

[JOLLYDOLLY in reply to Marie_14]

Thank you Marie

I am sorry to hear about your husband. It must be so hard for you at the moment. I hope you have family and friends close by. I am here if you want to chat, even about the mountains of paper work. Seems never ending.

Jayne x

[Marie_14 in reply to JOLLYDOLLY]

Jayne

Yes it is. I am sure there has to be an easier way to deal with all of it? It's like the funeral taking so long. Why can every European country manage to bury or cremate their dead in a couple of days but not here?

Thanks for offering to chat about paperwork! You are very kind. Will be thinking of you this week.

Marie x

[JOLLYDOLLY in reply to Marie_14]

Thank you Marie, you have been very kind too

Ironically it has taken a week longer than when mum passed and I thought three weeks was bad enough. I could not believe it when they told me how long it would be. But at least he will have a good send off. Yes I am here for you. Just message me anytime.

Take care and catch up shortly x

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Marie_14]

Hello Marie_14

A warm welcome to our friendly Community.

I'm so sorry to read of your own loss and thank you for comforting others while you are suffering yourself.

Chloe

[Marie_14 in reply to chloe40]

Chloe thank you. It helps to think I might be able to help others. There has to be something positive to come out of tragedy and pain?

Marie

[jaykay777]

Jolly Dolly --I think it is normal to grieve for your dad, and the delay of his funeral puts a strain on you. I'm glad you have a wonderful husband who will share your Easter meal.

[JOLLYDOLLY in reply to jaykay777]

Thank you jaykay777

[Lperica10]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 10-12-16. This is my first MAJOR loss in my life (I know I am fortunate as i am 32) but I'm learning about grief and all that it entails. It is so hard. I miss him so much but I have a good family support system and wonderful husband as well. I also understand about the paperwork and all the affairs. My dad lived alone and I have 2 sisters but things tend to fall on me or I just know I will get it down whatever it is. So in this case I had to go to be sworn in to be executor of his estate because we couldn't get access to his things to pay for his funeral. Then there's his house, which is still sitting there. I could go on... In the end it does work out. But I was so overwhelmed I really had to calm myself down at times. Also grief can get worse bc I do feel like the beginning is shock/disbelief/and busyness running around. Then it hits you. I'm here for you if you need to talk. Also the day of the funeral is a whirlwind but I had a nice get together at my house that evening honoring my dad.

[JOLLYDOLLY in reply to Lperica10]

Dear Lperica10,

So sorry for your loss as well. You are still very young too. Thank you for your kind words and I am here for you and everyone who wants a friend.

Ironically to say goodbye to dad, will also mark the end of a very turbulent and I have to say the worst six years of my life. We moved back home, a day before my mum was diagnosed with dementia. Dad could not cope with the fact she was ill and would need 24 hour care for the rest of her life. After a massive falling out in the family, mum went to a nursing home. She had given up basically and the dementia took over very quickly. Mum passed away in February of last year. Just before mum passed, dad had been rushed into hospital, he nearly died but he finally listened to us and got the help he needed. But we all knew he was on borrowed time.

Prior to this I had been seriously ill and ended up in High dependency for two weeks, lets just say I used six of my nine lives. I am still fighting my way back but I need to be here for my younger sister.

Regarding dad, he seemed to be ok and we were making plans. We knew he was lonely but he was always visiting. What we didn't know, was that is health was worse than what we feared. In January it started coming to a head, this was a year after he initially got really ill. Our friend and neighbour of fifty plus years, passed away suddenly at home and I think he blamed himself, it seemed the final tipping point, he started giving up, not eating and drinking, accepting help. By the time he let us help him, it was too late. He went into hospital on the Sunday, but his organs had started closing down. Pneumonia finally got to him and he passed away, with us by his side on the Thursday. We have had to wait literally a month for the funeral, which is this Friday. Fortunately he did not have to have a PM or anything. But I think that it is so final this time, both gone in the space of fourteen months. Fortunately I am executor of the will and everything is straight forward. Just have to apply for probate now, because of the house.

I have a very supportive husband and two beautiful daughters, a little younger than you, but lets just say, I am older enough to be your mum lol.

I hope you can move on soon and everything gets finalised quickly. I am here for you whenever you need a listening ear. Thanking for reading my posts.

Take care

[Lperica10]

Thanks for replying. My dads passing was an end of a turbulent time too.. he struggled with alcohol addiction and had many ups and downs over the years. I don't even know how I made it sometimes. And the end of his life was very very heartbreaking. His organs shut down too and I was able to be there at the end. Hopefully with the upcoming funeral you will feel a little bit better because that is very drawn out. Talk soon. Take care.

[JOLLYDOLLY in reply to Lperica10]

Yes talk soon and take care - it is nice in a way to talk to someone who unfortunately has been through a similar experience to us.