Coping with change

[libraryofsouls]

hi, I’m having a really tough time coping with change. It’s not even much, but it feels like my whole world is imploding. My dad tested positive for covid yesterday and my family wants me to move out of my room (which has a bathroom). I panicked and suggested he stay in his room (which has a bathroom next to it) and that everyone uses my bathroom, except dad. I’m told I’m being selfish and after trying to move out of my room last night and having panic attacks, no one is talking to me. Am I being dramatic and selfish? I feel really awful. Obviously I don’t want anyone to get sick and I hate that I’m like this.

[NotJim]

Hi Libraryofsouls,

I find change difficult too, especially something unexpected.

I'm sorry to hear your dad tested positive for Covid. Hopefully he will get better soon.

It might be that you find moving out of your room difficult/upsetting because for a lot of us our rooms are places where we have complete control, and where we can feel safe. If this is pulled out from under us at short notice it can naturally feel like a big wobble, and be very unsettling.

The more this then gets built up, the more pressure there is to move out the room (be it because of being obligated to move, people pressure, time ticking at you etc.,) the more likely it is that we will feel increasingly anxious, upset and end up with panic attacks.

To me, it doesn't sound like you're being selfish at all, or overdramatic. We all respond to these situations differently, and if we're on the Autism Spectrum, or near it, then it's likely these sorts of very sudden changes which encroach on our safe places or affect our sense of control and security will hit harder than it might for others. And on top of that, it's because of covid too which is a an inconvenience for anyone before you even add ASD or neurodivergence on top. From what I can see, it's just really thrown you off. It's difficult to have to make a snap decision and adjust to something unexpected like this.

Try not to give yourself too much of a hard time. I'm sure you don't want anyone to get sick, (who in the world would anyway!). Covid challenges all of us, we just do what we can with the means we have. And this time around, it might be that you were challenged to do more than you felt able to at short notice. It's easy to beat ourselves up when we feel disappointed with ourselves, but we can't always tell how we will respond to these things especially something abrupt and unexpected. If I were told to move out of my room at very short notice, I'd find it pretty unsettling to say the least! But if we berate ourselves for every time we feel we've fallen short, it makes it a lot harder to pick yourselves up again. It's a challenge, but the more patient, gentle and forgiving we can be with ourselves, the easier it can be to face these sorts of challenges. Take deep breaths, take some time to let yourself feel calm, and know that although it can feel overwhelming these situations can always be sorted out, and never last forever.

Panic attacks are very tiring, so perhaps take some time to allow yourself to recover a little emotionally and mentally first off. It's a lot harder to deal with anything if you're whacked out.

When you're feeling a bit more recovered from the panic attacks, and you think you're ready, you could start the process of making the temporary move out of your room. (If a compromise hasn't been decided about where your dad goes). Remember, it won't be forever. This is a temporary set of circumstances, and you'll be able to go back to your room again. Perhaps you can bring some of your favourite things with you from your room, that you know make you happy and help you to feel ok? The more you can set up your temporary space to help you feel alright, (safe, secure and where you can get some decent time out) the more comfortable this period can be.

I hope this helps in some way, and that you can feel a bit better. Remember not to give yourself such a hard time. We do what we can

[libraryofsouls in reply to NotJim]

hi Jim, thanks for responding to me! Your message has definitely helped me process things a little better.

Things haven’t been right since all of this happened. My dad is in his own room and using the bathroom next to him, which I originally suggested. My whole family isn’t talking to me and they are using the same bathroom as my dad instead of mine so they aren’t near me!!

I’m so worried about all of this because 1. I don’t want anyone else to get sick and 2. If someone does get sick it’ll be all my fault because they are using his bathroom and not mine

Sorry this is a lot I just don’t have anyone else to talk to

[NotJim in reply to libraryofsouls]

Hi,

No need to apologise, it’s alright!

If there’s a sense of tension at the moment I’d simply let things run their course as best you can.

What I mean by that is if someone is feeling grumpy, let them come to you when they feel ready and in the meantime just stay as kind and polite as you can.

I hate when there’s any off feelings, it can feel very uncomfortable. But these things usually run their course. It sounds like you really care for your family, and I’m sure they care too. It could be things are quite stressful right now because of dealing with covid which is understandable. But it’s important to remember this is not all because of you – it’s covid putting pressure on people and having to be careful, and organise things at short notice.

I’ve had covid before, and had to isolate from my household, and everyone had to be careful so it didn’t spread to my landlady who had asthma. But it all turned out fine. There were 6 of us in the house, and 2 of us got covid at the same time (not off each other either, we got it from our university). One person who had it was sharing a bathroom with two others, and we were all sharing a kitchen (all 6 of us!) but no one came down with it.

As long as you’re all being careful, which I’m sure you are, as you’ve said you don’t want anyone else to come down with any bugs. All you have to do is make sure things that are touched often are cleaned, and disinfect doorhandles and things like that and it’ll pass in its own good time. You don’t have to drive yourself crazy frantically cleaning everything to within an inch of it’s life, it’s just using common sense and cleaning more regularly to help kill off any unwanted buggies.

Remember it’s not all down to you to ensure that anyone else will get sick, it is everybody’s responsibility to make sure they take the right, careful steps. It won’t be all your fault. It’s no one’s fault if someone comes down with something, you’re trying to avoid microscopic little droplets from our breath and noses after all! And it can be picked up from all sorts of exposure, not just a bathroom. So, I wouldn’t lay all this on top of yourself.

I hope these things can gently settle for you. Allow some time for the ripples to settle, and hopefully with a little time people will start opening up again. Hope you can also find some things that can help cheer you up as well. Chin up, these things will pass 😊

[Tammyy37]

you are not selfish or dramatic having panic attacks / anxiety attacks are common in Autism , it is hard when family don’t understand your situations however you cannot control how you react or feel towards them , if I was in your situation I would talk to your GP and ask to be put down for a diagnosis journey for autism