I’m having a really hard time with the extreme messes my oldest child (she’s autistic presenting with PDA plus ADHD—same as me) and my husband make. I have four kids (10, 7, 4 & 3), but the messes my 10yo and my husband make outshine any others I have ever seen. Aside from the understandable feelings about their messes, the real problem is the visual mess really overwhelms me and makes me extremely angry.
Add to that my own autistic PDA and ADHD and it’s just a recipe for disaster. I find myself trying to stay away from home just because I need to escape the mess then dread returning home. I get overwhelmed and exhausted from being out and about but don’t get to enjoy recharging at home because of the mess.
I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to help them learn to clean up behind themselves more consistently and I simply cannot keep up with cleaning up after 4 children, my husband, two cats and myself.
I am spending a frustrating amount of time bro g angry, resentful and overwhelmed by the mess.
I am having a ridiculous number of meltdowns as a result, which means I am consistently showing up as an unstable and irritable mama.
I don’t like myself half the time because I’m so so grouchy due to being so overtaxed by the clutter and mess.
Can anyone relate? Maybe someone has been there and can offer tips or tricks?
I do find some relief from angry cleaning, but that’s very unreliable since my PDA mostly makes me want to run the other direction or just curl up and shut down.
I have learned that my mood usually improves a lot if I can at least get the floors cleared and vacuumed, but I’m still always just teetering on the edge of my next mess-induced meltdown because no matter what I do, our house is just 5min away from the next catastrophic mess at any given time.
Ritalin only gets me so far. I’m so tired of living like this.
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anothermother
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Just wondered if you are able to speak to your husband and have him as an ally in sorting out the messes? You have four children together and if you work together as a team rather than you being the only one feeling you are doing all the work, it might help you feel less overwhelmed by the messes. Do your other children clear up ok? When children are younger it can be easier to get them to do things that help such as putting toys away or even clothes. Anything that can be turned into a game etc tends to work when children are younger as little ones often like helping their parents. When I was little the thing I liked doing myself was helping my mum with the baking.
Also, do you have any external support for you oldest daughter, just wondered if they could help in any way?
My husband is extremely challenged with regard to cleaning up behind himself. It’s not that he just won’t help or expects me to do it all; he just struggles as much as our daughter does. I don’t know how to understand what is going on in their heads—I’m just not that way. But I can relate to other areas where I just feel like something is impossible even though I know it’s something I’m “supposed” to do, so I can appreciate how difficult it is for them. It’s just maddening for me at times. I’m trying to learn better tricks for recognizing when my energy stores are becoming depleted as well as coming up with ways I can actually restore them because I do know I’m much better able to address the mess when I’ve got a full tank…
I hear you with coping better when you have more energy. I have 4 children too, only one with ASD and I too am better when I am not feeling totally depleted. I feel more bothered by the mess when I feel overwhelmed myself.
I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time, that sounds really full on. It's good you've found some things that alleviate stress a bit like the vacuuming. I wonder if, just to give you a break, there is anywhere in the house you can partition off as "Mum's space", that can be your very own, which you can keep the way you want it and go to get some down time you need after being out. I know it won't solve main issue, but it might give you some respite so you can collect yourself together?
If your husband is leaving an impressive mess lying around, perhaps it's worth explaining to him that this is making it difficult for you, and that if he can help keep things tidy, your 10 year old might be encouraged to follow that example. (Forgive me if this is something that's already been tried). Sometimes persistence and patience when trying to get someone to change habits is the best tactic. (I have ASD and I know it's hard to do both those things when your head is about to explode. I've read it's better to explain how it's making you feel. To avoid anything sounding confrontational, use more "I's" than "You's" in a discussion about it. Saying "You make a mess, you never tidy up, you don't do this or that" can make the person on the other end feel attacked and go into defence mode. Whereas trying something like "I really find the mess difficult, I need your help managing it," explains how it makes you feel to them, and hopefully opens up for the doors for some empathy.
I don't have much experience with kids, I'm afraid, but again, patience and persistence can be a pay off. Personally, for me, goal-based activities are a big draw. E.G, If I got the washing up done, I could watch some of my favourite DVD. They give a little serotonin boost, and a sense of achievement for small tasks.
Does your 10 year old have any special interests? Perhaps these could be worked into some goals, or rewards for doing even the smallest bit of tidying up. Plenty of positive praise might help enforce they've done a good thing. Even if they only do a tiny bit, and it's not how you would have done it, it'll be really important to acknowledge they've done something really good.
But, I think your first priority should be finding somewhere where you can collect yourself together though, as the changes in habits for your husband and child will take longer.
I also think sometimes it's about how we react to situations, and in this case, how you find yourself responding automatically to the visual mess (which you stated was the biggest problem). I noticed you applied words like "catastrophic", and how it made you feel really angry. (I'm only riffing here based on my own experiences), If you can be aware of how you're likely to react when a big mess is there, then perhaps there are a few strategies just to help you from getting totally overwhelmed by it when it's first there, so it's no longer a full blown catastrophe, but something that is there, it's not great but it's not a giant tidal wave looming over you either.
The strategies could also help you, so you know what positive things you can do to cope, in the case that there is a mess when you come home, instead of totally dreading it and then simply having that dread confirmed.
Perhaps consider the immediate thoughts you get when you find a mess, and what emotions / physical feelings you get. I live with terrible anxiety and i've had to find ways of dealing with reactions to triggers, so this is along similar lines.
So, for example, if you walk into a room and it's a really big mess, your first thoughts might be "It's here. I knew it. I've got to deal with this. I can't deal with this. No one will help me." and you feel angry, resentful and upset, and this all churns inside and you can't get a break. Then first off, perhaps you can try the STOPP technique (at the end of this post). Or if that all feels too much, I personally try breathing techniques, which can flood your brain with oxygen, lower your heart rate and blood pressure and can really help with overwhelming emotions. Just so you can get your head back on your shoulders a bit before you take the next step.
For when you're out and about, it can help to keep an eye on what you're thinking. If you find your thoughts are being drawn back to thinking about "what if there's a mess at home?", these worries can build up and up, and feed the anxiety which in turn, makes more thoughts about it. And of course, if there is a mess at home after all that time thinking about it, then of course, it'll feel like it's the worse thing ever.
It might help to try not to let your mind dwell on the worries if they're churning over and over. Instead, maybe gently let it accept that if there is a mess, you've got ways to help you deal with how you respond. And that it might not always be the case that there is a mess. It might not always be as bad as your mind will build it up to be.
The STOPP technique is:
STOP! – Just pause for a moment. Say it to yourself, in your head, as soon as
you notice your mind and/or your body is reacting to a trigger/stress.
TAKE A BREATH – Notice your breathing as you breathe in and out. Slowly
breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth.
OBSERVE – We can notice the thoughts going through our mind, we can notice
what we feel in our body, and we can notice the urge to react in
impulsively.
What thoughts are going through your mind right now?
What are you reacting to?
What sensations do you notice in your body?
PULL BACK – PUT IN SOME PERSPECTIVE –
DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU THINK!
Thoughts are thoughts, NOT statements of fact.
What's the bigger picture?
What is another way of looking at this situation?
What advice would I give a friend?
THIS (the distress you're feeling ) CAN PASS
PRACTISE WHAT WORKS – PROCEED
What is the best thing to do right now?
What is the most helpful thing for me, for others, for the
situation?
What can I do that fits with my values?
Where can I focus my attention right now?
Do what will be effective and appropriate.
(How to use STOPP
Read through the steps often to familiarise yourself with them.
Start to practice STOPP fully by running through the procedure several times
a day, even if you don’t need it.
Start to use it for the little things that upset you. Do you find it easy to follow?
If you find you are struggling a bit maybe carry around a reminder of STOPP
you can use to guide you.
Gradually, you will find that you can use it for more distressing situations. It
will become automatic over time. It takes practice and patience.
The earlier you use STOPP, the easier and more effective it will be.)
Sorry, that was all quite long. I hope some of this can come in handy. I know sometimes these things are really overwhelming and can leave you feeling really isolated, but you're not alone You got this. (even if it really feels like sometimes it's not the case, deep breathes. It's gonna be ok).
I appreciate the feedback. A big part of the problem is my daughter and I both have PDA and my expertly messy husband has ADHD—I’ve been explaining for years that the clutter and mess affect my mood and energy levels, but it’s just extremely challenging for us to stay on top of the tidying.
No amount of extrinsic rewards, rationalizing or explaining the impact can resolve a PDA person’s demand avoidance.
There are times when I’m better able to curb my meltdown, but I’m beginning to feel like what I need is an emotional support person (aside from my husband) who can just be around to help confront the messiness. And I’d like to add that while my husband is severely messy and forgets to tidy behind himself as he goes, he is often really helpful at tackling the mess when it starts to overtake our life—the point at which I shut down.
I wish I could figure out how to keep a space free if the mess, but respecting boundaries and personal property are some major challenges for my family members—every single one of us is ND. My husband’s mess is scattered on his side of our room and I won’t even go near his closet except to shove things away from the door so I can hide that mess behind a closed door. But my kids are constantly sneaking into our room and rifling through our stuff. They recognize when I e hit my limit and need quiet/recovery time and they know I’ll be unlikely to catch them in the a t in order to prevent it from happening. And normal consequences don’t seem to help at all with my PDA kids.
Thankfully, I’ve got one child who is very helpful with tidying up but he’s only 7 and often winds up constantly cleaning up after his siblings who can’t be bothered. It feels very unfair to him.
I don’t know. Maybe I will get better at recognizing when my brain-body budget is running low and find ways to make deposits more regularly so I’m less likely to reach the meltdown level of depleted and overwhelmed… it all feels much more manageable when I have more energy. I’m just not good at recognizing my needs until they’ve gone unmet and I’ve already suffered the consequences if that…
I see what you mean, yep. I love your analogy of the "brain-body budget", I'll have to remember that one for myself too! And yes, I think it's hard to sometimes turn around and see things getting towards meltdown point. Sometimes retrospect is the best teacher, we continue to know ourselves more, the more different things we go through, and eventually we start to recognise the little warning lights on the dashboard and what they mean. I suppose the trick will one day be adding a deposit to the B-B-Budget before one of the warning lights has to start flashing.
Perhaps it could be thought about like your mind is a Formula 1 racing car; it's super powerful and highly tuned, but it also sometimes runs away with us and is hard to keep control of. You've got to put the best fuel and care into it before it goes back out on the track.
Maybe the key thing is, if the road starts to feel bumpy or uncomfortable at any given time, in whatever way that might be, then it means the F1 car/your mind, is in need of a pit stop, to take a look at what might be making it a bumpy ride and give it what it needs. And it's not selfish, or underserved, it's essential maintenance. You wouldn't let an F1 car out on the track if it had a wobbly tire.
in my experience, if you find things are starting to feel like a bumpy ride mentally or emotionally, those are usually the warning lights on the dash board that it's time for some mind-care.
Hi, my 11 year old sister also has pda and there is constant mess around our house. My brother also will refuse to put away anything or help contribute to the house at all so my house is a complete disaster 24/7. I know for my family that we got a cleaner which helps us and maybe could work for your family too. Do you have any other family besides your seven year old like perhaps grandparents or aunts and uncles that could help pick up a little bit? For my sister, she gets rewards for doing things out of her comfort zone. For example like going to school for a couple hours, putting away her dishes, or cleaning up messes. Have you tried any of these? As hard as it is, and even though there is still mess, it does get picked up so maybe these things that help my family could help yours too.
I have the same problem with my son .although he is the only sibling left at home .hes 20 .and has asd/asbergers .i too stay out of the house due to mess .its a constant .he seems to think he controls the household .i recently decorated and bought units and lighting to put in the units and floor lanterns etc .and he has just filled it with all his own crap and moved my lanterns .i cant invite friends round for coffee due to being embaressed about it .he will sleep on the couch so i cant just sit and relax or watch anything on tv that i likecas hes taken over that.the sink is always full of dirty pots .hes dumped his gaming chair in the middle of my room and my room is small and can only house so many things .i too work and cant just come home and wind down .i spend more time sat in the kitchen due to the same issue .or go to bed .i feel like just walking out and leaving .my partner .his father doesnt do anything about it .as he is the same .hes a hoarder .i hate being at home ..
Hi there anothermother. Looks like you’ve gotten some good feedback on this post and I certainly hope that you’re coping well with your situation. I wanted to share a resource/person that I found that has helped me break through some of the overwhelm that happens when faced with a messy house. Her name is Dana K White and she’s written a few books but also has a podcast and YouTube channel.
When I was initially reading your post, I immediately thought of the 5 minute pickup that she talks about. Basically you’re setting a timer for 5 minutes and just going around picking up stuff and immediately putting where they belong. Then you stop once the timer is done. No going over. You start doing this, then eventually introduce it to your kids and husband. Never violate the timer. That’s how the kids will know to trust that you only mean 5 minutes. It’s is surprising how much can get done in those 5 minutes - especially when multiplied by the number of people.
Anyway, that’s just one small thing that you can try. Check her out though. Our family is all ND and she has helped me make a dent in my house. Very ASD/ADHD friendly. Wishing you well.
I feel ya, girl. If it wasn't for my antidepressants I wouldn't be able to function. When my daughter was first born up to three years I would have extreme meltdowns from a messy house. My ex-husband never helped clean, and didn't seem bothered by the mess, so I had all of this on my shoulders, plus working full-time on night shift. It can be overwhelming for those without autism, so it's no wonder we get overwhelmed. It took a lot for me to overcome the guilt and embarassment from those meltdowns, and now I have them and move on. I still have them at times, but what helped me the best was this:
1.) My daughter loves to sing and dance, so we would play music to help us focus on the tasks at hand. Another thing is to time ourselves to see who could clean up a room the fastest.
2.) Marie Kondo's books and tv shows on Netflix were a lifesaver. In order for me to be at my best, I need order and organization in my life, free from clutter. Even when I'm not home I'm worrying about the mess, and I can't seem to focus on my job. When I discovered her ways to clean and de-clutter, it made everything so much better. Less junk=less stress.
3.) Reading books on living a minimalistic lifestyle helps too. We have access to so many things nowadays that we don't need, and when we can get rid of that we realize we can live on a lot less. Now, I don't want solid white on everything or only 3 outfits I rotate through continuously, but put the 5 basic human needs to each item in your home and ask yourself if you really need it.
4.) An awesome parent or friend that's able to help you clean when you just can't helps a lot too. When I'm behind on laundry my mom is kind enough to wash a load or two for me.
This may not have been the answer you were looking for but I hope it helps!
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You got this. (even if it really feels like sometimes it's not the case, deep breathes. It's gonna be ok).
