I feel like I’m living a lie.

[MrsGraham]

Hi,

I was recently diagnosed with Autism.

I’m almost 30. I have 3 kids, a husband and 1 friend.

I’m also diagnosed with bipolar.

The bipolar is medicated with Arripiprazole and Venlafaxine.

I know that Arripiprazole is also used to calm agitation in Autism.

Anyway, I occasionally forget my meds.

I did today. It causes me to become extremely irritated and overwhelmed all day. Which makes my family really dislike me.

I mask constantly and I guess the unmedicated me is my true self. Now I’m struggling with feeling like a fraud. Like the only way people can cope with me is if I’m masking and medicated.

My husband is constantly telling me I shouldn’t have to mask yet tells me when I’m hand flapping in public and has a go at me when I’m irritated and overwhelmed.

I struggle to understand my own feelings but all I know right now is that the thought “what’s the point in living, if you’re living a lie” is constantly going through my head.

[El-Eektrified]

I can relate to your story, having the same difficulties. I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD and I am medicated with ariprazole, sertraline, mirtazepine and for my adhd with dexamfetamine. Without these; I’m depressed, feeling insecure and overwhelmed by small things. Masking still draines me… so I need time by myself to recover. I’ve learned a lot about myself lately, plus the acceptance that I need my meds. I’m using an organizer to be sure that I take my meds, without it, I would probably forget, or being unable to remember if I took them already…

I don’t think that you are living in a lie, it’s just autism that makes us different and we don’t understand the way “others” think. You have to try to accept yourself, including the fact that you might need meds, we’re susceptible to depression and other comorbidities and it’s all part of the spectrum….

[MrsGraham in reply to El-Eektrified]

Thank you.

I took my medication last night and had some alone time and slept a considerable amount and now I’m feeling more capable.

I’m still trying to understand who I am and what part my diagnosis’ play in that.

I think you are right.

My medication is an integral part of me feeling better.

I do believe I need to speak to my husband and explain that when I’m like this that I need to be alone, to sleep or to just regain energy in some kind of way. But I also need him to remind me of this.

[Bee-bop in reply to MrsGraham]

Hi there,

I think that is a real positive explaining to your husband that you need down time. Hand flapping is possibly your way of regulating so explain this too.

My daughter struggles to see what helps once overwhelmed so, I try to help by saying what usually helps. We have plushies, things on YouTube, our guinea pigs and down time. It doesn't stop her getting overwhelmed or feeling "what's the point" sometimes but, helps to regulate the feelings once they arise. Think about what you can do that helps when you are feeling ok and write it down so you have it when you aren't feeling ok.

As a part to making sure that things feel more in control, we go to the city earlier in day before too many people arrive, quiter trains etc making sure things are planned also helps us.

I have another daughter who has Dyspraxia, Dyslexia and Dyscalculia who has taken a while to get into the habit of their medications. If they miss it, they struggle more and get more overwhelmed. They have set phone alarms and have bought a pill box set with the days of the week so they can see where they are with things which has helped.

Both daughters feel bad after they've got overwhelmed but, for me it's that I feel that we've not managed something that could have helped us not get to that point. So, I look for ways to manage things to help reduce the risk and try to reassure afterwards if things go off balance.

Hope some of this helps.

[NotJim]

Hi MrsGraham,

I agree with El-Eektrafied. Masking is a natural thing which us girls are particularly good at. It can get very tiring, I agree. But meds or no meds you’re still always you. (I’ve had SSRIs myself). The meds don’t turn us magically into different people, they simply help us cope. It’s still your beautiful soul and your personality there.

It’s a challenge when sometimes people don’t understand us when we need them to. When i’m having a bad day it can make me feel like some destructive force that ruins everything for everyone around me. But i have to understand that that’s not the reality. It might be my behaviour is sometimes challenging but (unlike what my feelings might make me think) it doesn’t mean that the people who care about me suddenly throw up their arms and give up on everything, because thats not how love works.

Perhaps when you’re feeling up to it, you could talk some of this through with your husband about this particularly tricky time and how you’ve been feeling? (I find this sort of thing really hard. It’s a lot easier to type than put into practice but is definitely worthwhile).

It’s a funny turn of phrase “True Self”, I think an alternative thought to this is that we’re always our real selves, and there isn’t a pure golden core which is the ultimate “version”. We have our good days and our not so good days, days when we feel on top of the world and days when we feel like a little curled up woodlouse. Or periods of time when as a kid we were really outgoing and unabashed, then as a teenager when we masked loads. But it doesn’t mean we started being the “real” us when we were 10, or when we were 20. We are always ourselves, responding to different things and feeling different things in our own ways.

Sorry, it’s a bit of a long comment now(!), but basically, like El-Eektrified, I don’t think you’re living a lie. I think you’ve had a rough time of it lately and hope you can get some downtime to help you recover

I hope you feel better soon x

[MrsGraham in reply to NotJim]

Thank you.

I took my medication last night and had some alone time and slept a considerable amount and now I’m feeling more capable.

I’m still trying to understand who I am and what part my diagnosis’ play in that.

I think you are right.

My medication is an integral part of me feeling better.

I do believe I need to speak to my husband and explain that when I’m like this that I need to be alone, to sleep or to just regain energy in some kind of way. But I also need him to remind me of this.

[Mybestfriends]

Whilst I agree with these other comments, & having my adult Son 34yrs old, with the same & on Aripiprazole daytime & Quetirpine & Pomethazine both in evenings. I feel you & Husband need to plan how you need him to respond to you, whilst in Meltdowns or Burnout modes. You could do with Stimmers, things that help you cope. Eg Music etc. Of course Aripiprazole gives more Anxiety as Med that also contributes to feelings of overwhelm, Propranolol can counteract the Anxiety. No-one should challenge you whilst in Meltdown or Burnout, as this can escalate your emotions, which is not good. Instead he should Back off & stick to the Plan you make with him, on how he should Help or leave you be for the duration of your outbursts. My Son says all sorts of awful things & can bash around in Meltdowns & Burnout mode. Once calmed down, he is back to his old self. He is Recovering from Trauma too. Psychosis with his Meltdowns Sadly, painful to watch, but keeping him Safe, is my priority.

[MrsGraham in reply to Mybestfriends]

Thank you.

I took my medication last night and had some alone time and slept a considerable amount and now I’m feeling more capable.

I’m still trying to understand who I am and what part my diagnosis’ play in that.

I think you are right.

My medication is an integral part of me feeling better.

I do believe I need to speak to my husband and explain that when I’m like this that I need to be alone, to sleep or to just regain energy in some kind of way. But I also need him to remind me of this.

[Caticelolly]

I also think I’m living in a lie, and severe mental and cognitive functioning, I do not see anything will change, I am concerned, shut down I’ve lost hope