Daily Laughter Monday
Good Morning MONDAY
The week starts here , hope you all had a good weekend.
I do hope that the storm did not cause you to much bother.
Berwick xxx
20 Funny Monday Morning One-liners To Cheer You Up
And Make Your Colleagues Laugh Hate Monday
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
.
A day without sunshine is like..., night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of Lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Remember, half the people you know are below average
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
OK,..... so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Monday is a dreadful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
It's Monday, You've Just Been Jilted - Food for Thought
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.
'The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water.
However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'
Five More Laughs For A Monday Morning
I dialled a number and got the following recording, 'I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.'
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Roger went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said to Roger, 'We have an opening for people like you.'
'Oh, great,' Roger replied, 'What is it?'
'It's called the door,' came the answer.
A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh standing at the bar. The man says, 'I love your paintings, can I buy you a drink?'
Vincent replies, 'No thanks I've got one ear.
'
Chef's Special
Nigel: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
Sally: Which is this?
At a recent job interview:
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I'm Batman.
I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...
I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why? When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
My boss stormed up to me in the office today and said,
"You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
"Not particularly," I replied.
There was an accident on the motorway today.
I tried to help the victims but there was so much blood that I felt sick and had to leave.
I'm sure they'll be okay until a different ambulance gets there.
My boss asked me, "do you believe in life after death and the supernatural?"
"Yes, I think so," I replied.
"I thought you would," he said. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she phoned up to talk to y
What qualifications do you need to be a road sweeper?
None.
You just pick it up as you go along!
University is hard. We work 11 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 2 weeks a year.
Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.
I've quit my new job as a postman.
They handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: "This isn't for me."
My mate was complaining that the factory he works in is full of immigrant workers. I said, "It makes you wish you'd paid attention at school, doesn't it?"
I got done for theft at my job interview the other day.
Well, he did tell me to take a seat.
I've had to take a second job working in a bakery.
I knead the dough.
Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company."
Guy 2: "What did he say?"
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
I quit my job last week at the helium factory.
I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.
What do you call Postman Pat on the dole?
Pat.
Funny Notices Seen in Hotel Bedrooms:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notice.
Please to bathe inside the tub.
Please leave your values at the front desk.
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
A Married Man
A guy wakes up with a huge hangover after the company party. He’s not normally a big drinker, but the punch was so sweet he couldn't even tell it was spiked. He can’t remember how he got home, and he’s feeling like warmed-over four-day-old grits. His head is pounding. He hopes to God he didn't do anything illegal or embarrassing.
He forces his eyes open and sees a rose, a glass of water, and a couple of aspirin on a lace doily beside his bed. On his bedside chair are his clothes, washed, pressed, and carefully folded. The bedroom is clean and spotless.
He gulps down the aspirins and stumbles to the bathroom where he looks in the mirror and discovers that he has somehow acquired an enormous black eye. From his good eye, he glimpses a note taped to the corner of the mirror:
“My beloved, I’ve made you a full breakfast and it’s waiting in the warmer. I’ve gone to the grocery store and we’ll have your favorite dinner tonight. When I get back, if your head hurts, you can rest while I rub your neck and shoulders. I love you!”
He staggers to the kitchen and there is his favorite breakfast, hot and ready, along with steaming coffee and the morning paper. His teenage son walks in about the same time and he asks, “Hey son, what the heck happened last night? I can’t remember anything.”
“Oh geez, Dad, you stumbled in about 2 am, fell over the coffee table and smashed it. Then you vomited all over yourself. You tried to make it to the bathroom but missed the doorway and smashed your face into the door frame. I guess that’s where you got the black eye.”
“But son, how come everything is so neat and clean, breakfast waiting, a rose and aspirin by my bed, clothes washed and pressed?”
“Oh that,” the son says. “Mom and I put you in bed and were trying to get your pants off, and you kept shouting ‘Stop it! Leave me alone! I’m married!’”
Monday Morning Blues
The keys are in the refrigerator,
The IPod's in my boot,
And I am running late for work,
The toast is in my suit.
No coffee in the percolator,
Just water, very hot,
Now what is it I have to do?
Oh, Lord, I just forgot.
My shoes are in the elevator,
My socks are in the shoes,
And I am getting dizzy,
With the Monday morning blues.
The phone is in the garburator,
My lunch is in the sink,
And though my day has just begun,
I think I need a drink.
My foot is on the accelerator,
My brain is back at home,
My hair is falling in my eyes,
I think I need a comb.
And I am no exaggerator,
Each week is just the same,
For every Monday I wake up,
And play the same old game.
The Pilot and the Priest:
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who ' s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ' Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? '
The guy replies, ' I ' m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston . '
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ' Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom. ' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it ' s the priest ' s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ' I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary ' s for the last 43 years. '
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ' Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
' Just a minute, ' says the good father. ' That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
'Up here - we go by results, ' says Saint Peter. ' When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed. '
Quick thinking lad.
A man walked into a Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,
"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
" New Zealand , sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?"the manager asked.
The boy said,"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players live there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood
in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman
who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and said, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and money,
but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."
To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins.."
There we are friends the Daily Laughter for Monday
Hope you had a good chuckle
Stay Safe
Breath easy my friends
Berwick xxx
Daily Laughter Monday
