Daily Laughter
Thursday
I have made it smaller today as yesterdays was a wee bit long.
I cannot tell a lie I have just woken up and I am too tired to do anymore.
Honesty is the best policy.
Whatever you do , just remember POETS day tomorrow but before tomorrow comes have a great day.
Tomorrow never comes because when it is tomorrow it is today and the next day is tomorrow,
Berwick xxxxx
Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...”
Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“Last one off the plane must clean it.”
From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot down?”
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."
Finally, one from my personal experience... On arriving at London's Heathrow Airport, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that we have arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the airport at the first attempt."
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Colour Joke
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!"
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Proverbs For The Information Age
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we have when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. There’s no place like homepage
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. Virtual reality is its own reward.
19. Modulation in all things.
20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Nintendo and he won’t bother you for weeks.
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“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual."
A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asked.
“You’re not eating properly”, replied the doctor.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
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Mary Poppins was travelling home but, due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. “Certainly madam”, he replied courteously. “Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary. “Sorry, no", came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?” Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please”, said Mary. “Certainly, madam”, he replied. “And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please”, Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. “Morning madam...sleep well?” “Yes, thank you”, Mary replied. “Food to your liking?” “Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional. I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren’t that nice at all”, replied Mary truthfully. “Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion”, said the receptionist. “OK, I will...thanks!” replied Mary....who checked out and then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written: “Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost! It’s half past three! I was in bed!” screams the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” explains the wife. “He needs our help and it would be nice to help him.” So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can’t see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” He hears a voice cry out, “Yes, please.” “Where are you?” shouts the homeowner. The stranger calls back, “I’m over here, on your swing.”
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only£40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated: "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, the agitated jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man,
"But let me tell you about my weekend!
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
get me home
An older gentleman was sitting on a park bench sobbing. A police officer came up and asked him what was wrong. "I'm 75 years old," sobbed the man. "I have a 35 year-old wife at home. She is beautiful, a great cook, mother of my two young children, charming and madly in love with me." "So what's the problem?" "I can't remember where I live!"
How to play golf
"What is your handicap these days?" one golfer asked another. "I'm a scratch golfer I write down all my good scores and scratch out all my bad ones."
Lazy young uns
An elderly man had lived to 84 before going to the hospital for the first time in his life. As they got him into bed he found the bell cord hooked to his pillow.
“What’s this thing for?”
“ It’s for the nurse in case you need anything we replied.”
“How does it work?” He asked:
“you push the button and it turns the light on for the nurse.”
He responded “ You young people have gotten very lazy, If the nurse needs a light she should get up and turn it on for herself.”
I can do that
My Grandmother a feisty 91 and living alone in a small town had a total hip replacement and was house bound. Our family, not being nearby, was concerned for her welfare and called Meals on Wheels.
We let the service know how Grandmother didn’t like the idea of being dependant on anyone for anything.
The next day a volunteer phoned Grandmother and cheerfully explained that Meals on Wheels is a service which relies on volunteers to help the elderly and the ill.Would she be interested in it?
There was a reflective pause. "Well, sure," my grandmother said. "If you can't find anyone else to get food to the old people, I guess I can."
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Walking good
A wise old man celebrating his 100th birthday got a visit from a local television reporter at the nursing home to interview him.
"Are you able to get out and walk much?" the reporter asked. "Well, I certainly walk better today than I could a hundred years ago,"
Sharing forever
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered "THE TEETH."
Let me think for a second
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup
What did you say Huh?
Three retirees, each with a hearing! loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what's the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.
Clean Fun
Words to Annoy People
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 300%, extra dark, 11x17 inch paper, 999 copies.
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
3. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
4. Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
5. Practice making fax and modem noises.
6. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
7. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
8. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
9. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
10. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
12. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
13. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
14. Honk and wave to strangers.
15. Call Everybody in the office Mike , regardless of gender.
16. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
17. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
18. TyPE iN a MiXtuRe of Both UppERCasE and LoWerCase.
19. Dont use any punctuation either as this really wont make sentences easier to read especially if they are long and complex like this one
20. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Videotape the outcome.
21. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
22. As much as possible, skip rather than walk - occasionally run through the corridors of your office.
23. Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
24. Play with your mobile ringtones go through them all in turn, playing them in full and repeat.
25. Ask people what gender they are, even if they are wearing a skirt !
26. Roll up tiny bits of paper, pretend to pick your nose and then flick the paper across the room - preferable at something which will make a sound.
27. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
28. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
29. Display a huge fear of the Fax machine.
Thats it for today friends
Remember that tomorrow is Poets day.
Or does that come under Zero Hours now?
Whatever you are doing have a great day
Breathe Easy my friend
and have a great day
Berwick xxx
XXXXXX
Daily Laughter
