Today is Thursday
one day nearer P.O.E.T.S. DAY
Everyone have a great Thursday
I taught my cat to clean my room,
to use a bucket, brush and broom,
to dust my clock and picture frames,
and pick up all my toys and games.
He puts my pants and shirts away,
and makes my bed, and I would say
it seems to me it's only fair
he puts away my underwear.
In fact, I think he's got it made.
I'm not as happy with our trade.
He may pick up my shoes and socks,
but I clean out his litterbox.
My kitty likes my goldfish.
My kitty likes my mice.
My kitty likes my parakeets.
She thinks they're all so nice.
The way she mews so sweetly,
the way she sits and stares,
I'd have to say it's obvious
how much my kitty cares.
She doubtlessly adores them
and thinks so highly of them.
She treats them so attentively
it's clear that she must love them.
But, tragically, they disappeared
the other afternoon.
My kitty seems so lonely now.
I hope they come back soon.
A candy bar.
A piece of cake.
A lollipop.
A chocolate shake.
A jelly donut.
Chocolate chips.
Some gummy worms
and licorice whips.
A candy cane.
A lemon drop.
Some bubblegum
and soda pop.
Vanilla wafers.
Cherry punch.
My mom slept in
while I made lunch.
I think my dad is Dracula.
I know that sounds insane,
but listen for a moment and
allow me to explain.
We don't live in a castle,
and we never sleep in caves.
But, still, there's something weird
about the way my dad behaves.
I never see him go out
in the daytime when it's light.
He sleeps all day till evening,
then he leaves the house at night.
He comes home in the morning
saying, "Man, I'm really dead!"
He kisses us goodnight, and then
by sunrise he's in bed.
My mom heard my suspicion
and she said, "You're not too swift.
Your father's not a vampire.
He just works the graveyard shift."
A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in. 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'...got any duck food?'
Peter starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, Peter beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, Peter is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, Peter says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
Peter moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?'
The lion replies, 'Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
Two old men, Dick and Norton were sitting next to each other on the London subway [tube]. Their hearing isn't good.
Dick mutters, 'Is this Wembley?'
'No,' says Norton, 'It's Thursday.'
Dick answers, 'OK then, let's find a pub and have a drink.'
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters:
'C Z W I N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them talk.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.
What flies through the jungle singing opera?
The parrots of Penzance.
'Did you hear about the dog who went to a flea circus?'
'No, what happened?'
'He stole the show.
'
A cannibal caught a missionary in the jungle. He said to him, 'What's the best way to eat you? Boiled or roasted?'
The missionary said, 'To tell you the truth, I'm a friar.'
How did Quasimodo know the end was near?
He had a hunch.
My brother came running in and said, 'Mum, there's a man outside with a broken arm called Brian.'
My mum said, 'That's a funny name for a broken arm.'
My mum was in hospital,
and the doctor said, 'Listen, I want you to drink a Guinness after your bath every day.'
My mum said, 'If I drink my bath I won't have room for a Guinness.'
My brother said, 'I want a job as a human cannonball.' I said, 'I'll bet you get fired.'
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Give me a sentence with the word "analyze" in it. My sister Anna lies in bed until nine o'clock.
What did they award the man that invented the door knocker? The No-bell Prize.
The young couple invited their aged Vicar for Sunday lunch. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son, what they were having.
'Goat, 'the little boy replied.
'Goat?' replied the startled man of the cloth, 'Are you sure about that?'
'Yep', said the youngster. 'I definitely heard Dad say to Mum, we might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.
A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.
'This is the scene', said the teacher.
'A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?'
A little girl raised her hand and asked, 'To draw out all his savings?'
One-liners for Children
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart
What runs around a cemetery but doesn't move?
A fence!
What do they teach at Witches school?
Spelling
Xbox, Xbox,
you're the one for me.
I also love my 3DS
and my Nintendo Wii.
GameCube, GameBoy,
Apple iPod Touch.
I never thought that I would ever
be in love this much.
Pac-Man, Sonic,
Mario, and Link.
Your names are etched inside my mind
in everlasting ink.
Run, jump, flip, hang,
double-jump, and climb.
That's all I want to do
with every second of my time.
This is true love.
Yes, it's plain to see.
Xbox, Xbox,
will you marry me?
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.
Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And there are no hogs in Hogmanay.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
You cannot buy boots in Boots nor virgins in Virgin. You cannot buy threshers in Threshers and the Superdrug chain is a big disappointment.
Quicksand only works slowly
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
Hope that you all had a good laugh. Also today is the last day before POETS Day
Have a great Thursday and I hope that those who like the sunshine have a sunny day for those who don't like it hot like me cloudy patches will do.
Breath Easy my friends
Have a great Day..Berwick xx
Daily Laughter
