Daily Laughter Monday
It's Monday again
and a very happy Monday to you all and hope that you all had a great weekend
Berwick XXXX
An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man.
“Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!” said the woman.
“Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?” the daughter asked in disgust.
“Oh, no!” her mother explained, “I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!”
I don’t want to do the dishes,
I don’t want to do the wash,
I sprinkled clothes a week ago
And now my iron is lost!
I don’t wanna clean the pots,
I don’t wanna rattle pans,
I wanna read my e-mail,
And chat with all my friends!
The table needs some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped,
But I know if I get started
There’ll be no place to stop.
The closets are so full
Things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
And magic laundry elves!
They could sprinkle fairy dust
And twitch their little nose,
And the windows would be sparkling
And I’d have no dirty clothes.
I don’t know what I’m saying,
My head is in the sky,
I must cook that meat that’s graying
And bake that apple pie!
My husband needs a flea bath,
The dog needs some attention…
Oh, the other way around I mean!
My brain is in suspension!
I am running round in circles,
I am getting nothing done,
I keep thinking of the internet,
I’m missing all the fun!
I know I’m not addicted
Though I hear that all the time,
But I guess this stuff will have to wait,
Cause today I’ll be ON LINE!!!
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less
NOW ——–
Enough of that crap . .
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:
When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
you have two choices…smile and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.
I know what I did!!
An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, “I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store.”
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, “Nine.” The judge said, “Well then, I’m going to give you nine days in jail–one day for each peach.”
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady’s husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, “Yes, what do you have to add?”
The husband said, “Your honor, she also stole a can of peas.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, “Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Broken Coffee Table: £239.99. Hot Breakfast: £4.20. Two Aspirins:£.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore backside by placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed will remove the stains.
I have a complex about my simplicity.
A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.
A good way to save water is to dilute it.
I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.
My favourite animal is steak.
Don't talk to me about freedom of speech.
I always plan to be carefree.
Just bought a 'low energy light bulb' at B & Q. The Assistant asked, "Will you be putting this up yourself?" I said, “No, its going in the lounge.”
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
Do the manufacturers of foolproof items keep some fools on their payroll to test out their items?
I is a college student.
Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.
The two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen and stupidity.
Paying for psychiatrist proves your crazy.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
He took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.
Tell a man that there are 100 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
What time is the six o'clock news is on?
The top ten reasons why I procrastinate: 1.______
I'm just like the twin brother I never had.
No one has ever complained of our parachutes not opening.
It's not denial, I'm just selective about the reality I accept.
“I thought they didn't let people withdrug convictions into America.”
“It's not so much a conviction as a strongly held belief.”
I bet you I could stop gambling.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
They say you use only 10% of your brain. What about the other 10% ?
I have a complex about my simplicity.
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.
New study reveals guests on daytime talk shows are mainly female. Of course most of them weren't born that way.
When Only Fools and Horses was first broadcast we thought it was documentary.
I saw Lee Majors, the bionic man, the other day.
He looked a million dollars...he's really let himself go.
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.
Sometimes, I think I'm a genius. Then I realise I've already seen this episode of Mastermind.
Men don't care what is on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Noel Edmonds has been nominated for a BAFTA award. He must feel five feet tall.
Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek.
The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it’s commercial-free.
There's an old TV show about two detectives who solve crimes over the phone. Star Key and Hash.
Apparently, Eskimos have 23 different Newsreaders called Jon Snow.
Decades later, the Happy Days gang would lose everything when Arthur talked them into investing in a Fonzi Scheme.
Regarding rumours of Marge Simpson ill health: I'll say it again: her face looks drawn.
There are always people worse off than you - people with no dignity, no self-respect. Just look at Jeremy Kyle. And the people on his show.
Television is a method to deliver advertising like a cigarette is a method to deliver nicotine.
I've just been watching the Antiques Roadshow, or Tomorrow's World as its known in Norwich.
Professor Brian Cox is so clever he knows exactly what should and what shouldn't go in his recycling bin.
There’s so much comedy on TV. Does that cause comedy on the streets?
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle - they're on TV!
I'm having trouble thpeaking,
thinthe I lotht my middle tooth.
Jutht yethterday my tooth wath fine --
today it wiggled loothe.
At firtht I thought it thilly,
when my tooth fell out today,
But no one theems to underthtand
a thingle word I thay.
I athked my mom to clothe the door,
she thaid "That would be rude.
The door does not like wearing clothes;
it's happy in the nude."
I thaid a mouthe wath in my room
and she should come and thee.
She thaid "your mouth is on your face;
it's right where it should be."
I wonder if you underthtand
the thircumthtanthe I'm in.
I told her I wath feeling thick.
She thaid "you're looking thin."
At latht she thaw how mad I wath,
And thought I might thtop breathing.
She laughed and thaid she didn't mean it --
She wath only teething.
I’ve got a friend who is a lion tamer. He used to be a school teacher till he lost his nerve. (Les Dawson)
You can tell Monopoly is an old game - the banker can still go to jail.
US tourist to Irish child: “Does it ever stop raining here?” Child replies: “I don’t know, I’m only eight.”
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.
I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.
Who gives little kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.
My pet snail was too slow to win races, so I took his shell off. It just made him even more sluggish.
What did one ball say to the other ball? Nothing - he just looked round.
All students of Finnish get Irritable Vowel Syndrome
Trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but when I phone it keeps saying press 1 for the money 2 for the show...
Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Ultimate chat-up line: "Does this handkerchief smell of chloroform?"
Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'
I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West.
I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending.
If you lend someone a tenner and never see them again, it was probably worth it.
Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough.
To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!
A spa hotel is like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble.
I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them.
There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary - those that do, and those that don't.
The bank sent a cheque back marked "Insufficient funds". Them or me?
Alcohol does make you more attractive to the opposite sex. After they've drunk enough of it.
Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog. The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls
Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Can you smell fish?"
Descartes finishes his drink and the barman says: "Want another?" Descartes says: "I think not" and vanishes.
How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.
How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks.
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex.
How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations.
How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair.
What lies shivering on the seabed? A nervous wreck.
How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk.
How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
How does a pig go to hospital? In a hambulance.
If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor? Silverware.
What bird can lift the most? A crane.
What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation.
What clothes does a house wear? Address.
What country makes you shiver? Chile.
What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something!
Which two sports have face-offs? Ice hockey and leper boxing
What did one magnet say to the other? I find you very attractive.
What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware? Her New Jersey.
Four thirds of people have trouble with fractions.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? It's time to go to sweep.
What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What did the rug say to the floor? Don't move, I've got you covered.
What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
What do you call a calf after it's six months old? Seven months old.
What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati? Dead.
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.
What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A cartoon.
What do you call the best butter on the farm? A goat.
What do you do when your chair breaks? Call a chairman.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer!
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!
What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny.
What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
What happens when frogs park illegally? They get toad.
What has 6 eyes but can't see? 3 blind mice.
What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors? A piano.
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer.
What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? Sleep somewhere else.
What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats.
What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
What kind of ties can't you wear? Railroad ties.
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car? A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car? A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars? An in-car-nation.
What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.? The Presidential Seal.
What's green and loud? A froghorn.
What's round and bad-tempered? A vicious circle.
Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon? He took them to a pignic.
Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball.
Why did the doughnut shop close? The owner got tired of the hole business!
Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
"I do like to see the arms and legs fly" Col. George S Patton
The chickens have come to roast
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds" - Mark Twain
If your parents didn't have any kids, there's a good chance you won't.
"To have no wants is divine" Socrates
An atheists worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank
Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankensteinian logic.
College professor - someone who talks in other peoples sleep
The best argument is that which seems merely an explanation
A self-made man? Yes - and worships his creator.
Why is it that everyone has to be different these days?
A verbal contract is not worth the paper it is written on.
"They defend their errors as if they were defending their inheritance"
Forecast for tonight: Dark
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
Some things have to be believed to be seen
God must love the common people, he made so many of them.
Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.
Parachutes are like minds. Only work when open.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
"Life's a bitch, and then you murder one" ex basket-ball player
Overpopulation : When people take leave of their census
Life: a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Bank Rule: To get a loan, first prove you don't need it.
Dead people are cool
Television: the bland leading the bland
Old musicians never die. They just decompose
4SALE: 1 Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
"My name is Dr. Hildegarde Landstrom, and I am quite, quite mad."
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The anger of the meek and humble is named wrath
We all make mistakes... said the Dalek climbing off the dustbin.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive example is adequate.
Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
If you don't like the way women drive....get off the sidewalks
"It is unbelievable what unbelievable things an unbeliever will believe in order to be an unbeliever."
Anybody can be Pope; the proof is that I have become one. John XXIII
BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.
All right. Who set the phasers to deep fat fry?
9 out of 10 men who try Camels prefer women.
Politics - Poli = Many , Tics = Blood sucking parasites
A man went into politics to do good and ended up doing rather well
"I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?" -- Groucho
Hey! Look at our Al. He's the only boy walking in step!
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Very few people can afford to be poor.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
You will get a fair trial, after which you will be shot.
If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12.
In an atomic war, all men will be cremated equal.
98% of all constipated people don't give a crap
Attention animal lovers, what you are doing is illegal....
Remember, the end never justifies the meanness.
100% of all smokers die. So do 100% of all non-smokers.
The early bird gets the worm, the second mouse gets the cheese.
To every rule there is an exception. Except this rule. Er...
... Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours
A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves
"Trust me, I haven't done this before and it didn't work then either"
Don't beam me up yet Scotty....I'm having a Sh..i..i....i
Maths and alcohol don't mix. Don't drink and derive.
When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!
The Truth Is The Only Law
A clear conscience is usually the result of a bad memory.
... And there were plagues of locusts, and frogs, and Women Drivers
This [send money] is a [send money] subliminal [send money] message.
SOUND ADVICE: 90% sound, 10% advice
Wine is sunlight, held together by water
Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.
Only lemmings should jump to conclusions.
Today's rebel is tomorrow's tyrant.
It's easier to denature plutonium than the evil spirit of man. Einstein
Idealism increases in proportion to the distance from the problem.
High heels were invented by a woman who was kissed on the forehead.
Millihelen: Amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
9 out of 10 cats prefer mice.
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Communism is the other way round
A smart man covers his butt, a wise man leaves his pants on.
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Well on that subject, it is time to go
Hope that at least I got a little smile, a little titter or a big belly laugh from you
Take care and have a great Monday
Berwick xxx
Daily Laughter
