Daily Laughter Wednesday
Good happy Wednesday my friends
One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?""The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl."Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?""Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day.""Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?""Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."
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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.As he approached the receptionist' s desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.
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I forget things. All the time. Even important stuff, like my wife's birthday and our anniversary.This year, I had an idea for solving my dilemma. I set up an account with the florist, with instructions to send flowers to my wife for every important event -- Mother's Day, Valentine's, birthday, anniversary. .. even the anniversary of our first date. And with each batch of flowers there was a note: "From your loving husband."Needless to say, I screwed it up. On my wife's birthday, I walked in the door, noticed the bouquet on the table, and promptly said..."Nice flowers honey! Where'd you get 'em?"
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The Major called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Major called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Major called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
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A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"
There's been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman's spouse.
He'd just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He'd never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
''Who could have done this terrible thing?''
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
''Just look at the clues,'' replied Sergeant Miller.
''It looks like the work of a cereal killer.''
When my guard was down they attacked from behind
With a blow to the head - now I wake up to find
There's a sort of red mist in front of one eye
And my tongue's gone all rubbery and my mouth is so dry.
There's a part of my head that floats on its own
And a pain when I move that just makes me groan.
My stomach and its contents have ceased to be friends
And are now parting company via both ends.
I ought to get up but I'm frightened to try,
I just want to lie here and hope that I'll die.
I can't understand how I came to be caught
By those two nasty muggers - red wine and port.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!
I have the house cleaning blues
I look around and see so much to do
I look at the walls, the windows, and the floors
I see heaps of dust layered like boards
What I need is a good house cleaning crew
But where to get one, I haven't a clue
I asked for volunteers, but none would relent
Their community spirit, it seems, had been spent
I could wish for an occasional hurricane
For me, that may not be such a bad thing
I could raise the windows and open the doors
And be done with these house cleaning chores
But hurricanes don't occur where I live
So its left up to me to clean this crib
I have devised a plan to get the job done
Since I can no longer depend on anyone
My plan is as simple as it can be
One that is not very taxing on me
My walking shoes I will lace up tight
And from this nightmare I will take flight
I taught my cat to clean my room,
to use a bucket, brush and broom,
to dust my clock and picture frames,
and pick up all my toys and games.
He puts my pants and shirts away,
and makes my bed, and I would say
it seems to me it's only fair
he puts away my underwear.
In fact, I think he's got it made.
I'm not as happy with our trade.
He may pick up my shoes and socks,
but I clean out his litterbox.
Use of the Car
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him , “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….”
To which his father replied… “Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!”
More Men vs. Women
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mother-in-laws.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, Son.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
The bumper sticker read: “I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her.”
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If I Give you two bottles of beer, and two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda.
As he relaxed, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. Oneman would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
The men worked right past the man and continued on down the road.
Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed in their direction. "Hey there," he said. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"We work for the county government," one of them said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. What's up with that?" the man asked.
"Well," the worker replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back, but Rodney's out sick."
"So what does the work you're doing accomplish?" asked the man, not quite believing what he was seeing.
"Well," Mike said. "Just because Rodney's out sick, that don't mean we can't work, right?"
On that subject I think we shall call it a day
Hope that you enjoyed them
Please my friends have a great Wednesday whatever you are doing
Breath Easy my friends
Berwick xxxx
Daily Laughter Wednesday
