Daily Laughter Thursday
Good morning friends it is Thursday nearly friday but not quite
Have a good read and a great day
Berwick xxx
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his bloody wife..."
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, He may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand?'
Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
AT PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
AT WORK
You spend the majority of your time In an 6X6 cubicle/office
AT PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for
AT WORK
You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
AT PRISON
You get time off for good behaviour
AT WORK
You get more work for good behaviour
AT PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
AT WORK
You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
AT PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
AT WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
AT PRISON
You get your own toilet
AT WORK
You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
AT PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family
AT PRISON
All expenses are paid by the tax payers with no work required
AT WORK
You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
AT PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
AT WORK
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
AT PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens
AT WORK
They are called managers
MORE TO COME LATER!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Be fearful when others are greedy, and greedy when others are fearful. Just another form of "buy low, sell high" for those who have trouble with things. This rule is not universal. Do not buy a 1973 Pinto because everyone else is afraid of it.
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
The first lady immediately had a stroke.
Then the second lady also had a stroke.
But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
Larry LaPrise, the inventor of the "hokey pokey" has passed away.
The funeral home had a tough time getting him into the casket.
They put his left leg in, took his left leg out, then after reinserting the left leg and shaking it a little, all went smoothly.
Woman's sitting in a bar with a chicken in her lap.
Drunk enquires, "Where'd you get the pig?"
She replies angrily, "It's a chicken, you fool."
Drunk asserts: "I was talking to the f***** chicken!"
Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
1. Herman's Hermits -- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr -- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
5. Roberta Flack -- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6. Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Leslie Gore's -- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
8. Commodores -- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9. Marvin Gaye -- Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem -- A Whiter Shade of Hair
11. Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
13. Abba -- Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy -- I am Woman, Hear Me Snore
16. Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again
I only knew it was thursday because I checked...
Well I looked, and it is Thursday.
RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -
given that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1 The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 I'm a 6 feet tall, 180 pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.
4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weightlifter.
5 The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Three ducks walk into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" asked the bartender to the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said the duck.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.* Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles
all day* myself. What else could a duck want?"*
So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
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An elderly man, age 92, and woman, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. The old man suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Old man: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Old man: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Old man: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Old man: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Old man: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Old man: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Old man: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Old man: "Great. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
Well that is it for Thursday
Sorry that it is a bit long but that is why I have Saturday and Sunday off
Breath Easy my friends
and have a great Day
Berwick xxxx
Daily Laughter Thursday
