Daily Laughter Thursday
Good Morning Thursday
Well my friends nearly another week gone where does it go
Hope that you can have a dry Thursday with plenty of laughs
Berwick xxx
Why do some football players never sweat?
because of all there fans!
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it felt crummy!!!
Q: What has a head, a tail, and no body?
A: A coin!
Why was the skeleton laughing?
because of it's funny bone
why did Mickey mouse go to outer space? Because he wanted to see pluto
.What should a short sighted ghost have? spooktacles!
Where do abominable snowman go to dance? To snowballs.
When do ghosts play tricks on each other? on April ghouls day.
Why does vampires brush their teeth?
To stop bat breath.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
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A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study
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A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
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Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
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I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. -
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I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
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I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
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I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'
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I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
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I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.
--Kevin Meaney
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If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
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If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
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In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
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Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and does a double back-flip.
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My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
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Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
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Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
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Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
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The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
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The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown
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What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
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When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
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Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner ..
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Writing is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.
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"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
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"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
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"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
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"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
i made the mistake of walking threw the streets of boston w/ my leather coat on (and damn do i look flashy in that bad boy) during an animal rites activist thing
Yeah but the best comeback I've seen is one of Winston Churchill:
Lady: Sir you are drunk
And you are ugly, the difference is I'll be sober in the morning.
A swan's favorite salad is Cobb salad.
With the apocalypse approaching, armageddon out of here!
The race horse went lame early. It was the first out of its gait.
I made a batch of fish eye soup, it should see me through the week.
Some mathematicians are reluctant to cosine a loan.
He, who survives embalming, truly has esprit de corpse.
The philosophy student got an 'F' the day he forgot to turn in his Hume work.
After periodic doubts about his vocational calling, the young chemistry teacher concluded he was out of his element.
He won the twister contest hands-down.
The church choir robes were too long and needed to be hymned
I'm the toughest pastry maker who has ever baked a cake.
My impressive little pastries are impossible to break.
Yes, my cookies and my cupcakes will defeat the strongest jaws,
while my muffins are impervious to power drills and saws.
You have never seen a danish or a donut quite so strong
and I bake the fiercest fruitcake that has ever come along.
You can chew on them till doomsday, you can chew till kingdom come,
but you'll never get a nibble, not a solitary crumb.
You can whack them with a hammer, you can hit them with a stick.
You can stab them with a dagger, you can beat them with a brick.
You can drop them from an airplane, you can blast them with a bomb
but my pastries will exhibit only peacefulness and calm.
I expect you'll want to test them. I encourage you to try,
but you'll never make a mark on them and here's the reason why:
I do something with my recipes no other bakers do;
when the cookbook calls for "milk" or "water," I use Crazy Glue.
I bought a brand new pair of shoes.
You simply have to see.
They're purple, pink, and pretty.
They're as lovely as can be.
They're topped with silver sparkles,
so they shimmer in the sun.
They're awesome when I'm walking
and they're stunning when I run.
The laces look like rainbows
and the backs have flashing lights.
The sides are lined with lightning bolts.
They're such amazing sights.
But now my friends avoid me
when they see me on the street.
Indeed, my shoes are pretty
but they smell like stinky feet.
Melvin the mummy, who lived near the Nile,
had worked as a mummy for more than a while,
for mummies can go their entire careers
without a vacation for thousands of years.
He guarded the pyramids day after day
to frighten the burglars and bandits away,
which meant, as he stood watching over the pharaohs,
he often got shot at with bullets and arrows.
His job was so stressful, the pay was so poor,
but, still, Melvin stayed and protected the door.
Until he got sick of his sad situation
and knew that he needed to take a vacation.
His crypt was so dark and so cold and so clammy,
he packed up his swimsuit and flew to Miami.
He thought he would stay there for just a few days,
enjoying the beach and absorbing some rays.
But, sadly, poor Melvin would never return,
and this is a lesson all mummies should learn:
Don't take any trips or, like Melvin, you'll find
vacations make mummies relax and unwind.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
My dog is quite hip
Except when he takes a dip
He looks like a fool
when he jumps in the pool
and reminds me of a sinking ship
.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Don't you wish your life was as interesting as you let on it is on Facebook?
Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.
You're damn right I'm good in bed. I can stay there all day.
There was an earthquake in Washington DC this morning. It's obviously the government's fault.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night."
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
Life is like a penis. Soft and hanging freely. It's women that make it hard.
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my penis.
My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods overseas. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
I told my doctor I had fluid on my knee. He said "You're not aiming straight."
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
This just in: Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
Dear women who are awesome, smart, sexy and deeply in love with me; Please start existing.
My ex is living proof of how stupid I can be.
I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.
I once won an argument with a woman... in this dream I had.
My sex life is like a Ferrari. I don't have a Ferrari.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix something, he'll fix it. There's no need to remind him every six months.
When I was a kid, my fairy Godmother asked me if I wanted a long memory or long penis. I forget my response.
When I was a kid, my dad used to beat me with a camera. I still have flashbacks.
So what if you can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
I was raised by my father. My mother left before I was born.
I farted on an elevator today, which was wrong on so many levels.
My high school marching band was so small, they formed a period.
I have a thing for blondes. Wanna see it?
Apple has scrapped plans for a new children's iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good name.
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
They put a new machine in at my gym that provides all my needs. KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers.
The best thing about the good old days is I wasn't good and I wasn't old.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a Fruit Salad
The Evening News is where they begin with 'Good Evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember, the Fire Department usually uses water!
Hospitality is the art of making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were
The ladder of success is difficult to climb with your hands in your pockets.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Screw that" says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says "how do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
A wife says to her husband "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says "what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not listening."
A hangover is just your body's way of saying "I told you to stay drunk!"
The reason a dog is man's best friend is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
My wife says when we married, I saved her from a life of prosperity.
I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bullshit!
A girl with a lisp asked me if I wanted to join her in a song. Now I need a lawyer.
My brother is so dumb, he nearly strangled himself with a cordless phone.
My girlfriend is so stupid, she thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository.
My wife is mad at me again. She sent me out for some feminine napkins. I came home with a package of Swiffer refills.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm happier than Michael Jackson at a Harry Potter book signing.
I'm as confused as a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
You know what I hate? Indian givers...no wait, I take that back.
We Capricorns don't believe in horoscopes.
35% of all statistics are made up.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Excuses are like ass-holes. Everyone's got 'em and they all stink.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
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A teacher is a person who used to think he liked children.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
I have amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!
If at first you don't succeed... you're doing about average.
My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.
Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.
The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
Thank you for reading Thursday's Daily Laugh and I hope that you had a good read and great laughs
Have a fantastic Day
Berwick xxx
Daily Laughter Thursday
