Daily Laughter Thursday
Hope that you all had a good Wednesday and Please have a better Thursday
Berwick xxxxx
WHEN I'M AN OLD LADY
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
and bring so much happiness, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
and I'll bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done, I'll hide under the bed!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry. I'll run. if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud till the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"
WHEN I'M DEAD
When I die, don't look at me
And say she looks at peace,
For in my grave, I'll toss and turn
Until you come to me.
And don't you say, the same old thing,
She looks just like her mother,
Cause I'll rise up and choke your neck
For insulting my poor mother.
Of course, it is, that I look pale,
I'm dead, you stupid fool
But after choking on that grape,
You'd think that I'd look blue.
Now run along and let me be;
Can't you see I'm trying to sleep
And by the way, this pillow's hard,
Why did you have to be so cheap?
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
2) What is the thinnest book in the world? "What Men Know About Women"
3) How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One ... men will screw anything.
4) How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner.
5) What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.
6) How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
7) What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
8) How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
9) What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
10) How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?
Beyond the one liners are the simple jokes;
11) Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
The general belief is that men do not take care of themselves after they get married. To begin with, the male body is nowhere near as beautiful as the female body. If one particular example is as beautiful, the male who owns it is probably in another man's bed. That's a suggestion toward a gay joke. The idea that a man's body is unattractive makes for a basis for many a joke. For instance;
2) Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
That one attacks both sexes but it accentuates the mistaken belief that woman is dumb and man is pitiful. Where's the harm? It's cute and it's funny.
Short or long jokes of all type are funny. The long ones serve to build up your anticipation, waiting for the punch line. I just read one recently. It's a bit of a twist on the Farmer's Daughter string of jokes.
3) A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in their early twenties. "Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Now really, is there any truth to that? Of course not, but it's a laugh riot, at the farm boy's expense.
Jokes are not intended to be true, or fair, or diplomatic. Jokes are intended to be funny. Funny can originate from any source. We need to look at anything intended to be funny and see the funny, not the hurt. When it is intended to be hurtful is when it needs to be eradicated.
Man jokes, blond ones, ethnic, it doesn't matter. They all give us a chance to laugh at ourselves for goodness sake. If we can't do that what hope do we have?
Mother always believed that labelling children was wrong. This caused havoc in the maternity ward!
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.
- I had a pretty tough childhood. At the age of 5, I was left an orphan
- That's ridiculous. What would a 5-year-old do with an orphan.
Having a two year old is like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
If you can't open a childproof bottle, use pliers or ask a child.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.
I used hear that song that says about believing that children are our future and think it was a trite song. Now I realise it's a warning.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
I wanted to spend more time with my family, but I found my family don't want to spend more time with me.
Children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and refuse to telling where they're going.
Never raise a hand to a child – it leaves your mid-section unprotected.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
When I was child the meal consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it.
I decided to have a vasectomy after a family vote on the matter. The kids voted for it eleven to three.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner, only if he is buying.
Glasgow. The only place where Father's Day cards are sold in packs of 5.
The purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Everyone is in awe of the lion tamer in a cage with half a dozen lions – everyone except school bus drivers.
When I left home my Mum said,”Don't forget to write.” I thought that's unlikely because it's a basic skill.
My teenage son is half-man, half-mattress.
When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that some in the house is happy to see you.
I want to be a stay at home Mom without the kids.
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
I was doing some decorating, so I used a step-ladder.
I don't get on with my real ladder.
London 2012 Olympics introduces a tough new event: shopping with two children.
Adolescence: a time of rapid change. Between the ages of 12 and 17, a parent can age as much as 20 years.
One thing about parenting is the flexible hours, which can be any arrangement totalling 24/7.
It's amazing. One day you look at your phone bill and realise your children are teenager.
If Abraham's son had been a teenager it, wouldn't have been a sacrifice.
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Never have children, only grandchildren.
Families are like fudge - mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
My grandfather was on a ship which sunk on 5th November, he let off all the flares but the people on the other ships just went "Ooooh!"
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parent's shortcomings.
If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law.
You could sell my mother-in-law's mince pie lids as manhole covers.
When my mother-in-law hangs out her bra to dry we lose an hour of daylight.
It took time, but I eventually developed an attachment for my mother-in-law. It fits over her mouth.
A miser is a hard person to live with, but he makes a fine ancestor.
We suffer from bad luck in our family. My great granddad once came third in a duel.
My nephew is being referred to a child psychologist. We would rather he saw an adult, but they're just so expensive.
My grandmother took a bath every year, whether she needed it or not.
What's the difference between your mother-in-law and a pit bull? ... Lipstick
There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.
My wife's mother tells people I'm effeminate. I don't mind because compared to her, I am.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
My wife decided on an underwater birth. The leisure centre manager was furious.
'You're more trouble than the children' is the greatest compliment a grandparent can receive.
Tried to trace my family but they wouldn't lie down on the paper.
Every time you play hangman a stickman family is left without a father.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
When cooking I'm over-reliant upon timing the cooking via the smoke detector alarm.
Calories are tiny little creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.
Do Starbucks still make coffee flavoured coffee?
Are crop circles the work of a serial killer?
Never underestimate the importance of being properly caffeinated.
Wife: A thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the cake I prepared.
Husband: Do I call for the Police or an ambulance?
If you think Special K is boring, wait till you try Normal K.
I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without caffeine. And you will have have a bigger problem if I go without caffeine.
A nightclub just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid. Tonight I'm gonna party like its £19.99
.
I often experiment with recipes by adding German white wine. This is nothing formal, just an add hock approach.
That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan.
We lived for weeks on nothing but food and drink.
If we're not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and a Irish wake?
One less drinker.
Beer doesn't make you look fat. It make you lean. Lean against tables, bars, walls.
Whiskey is a drink that makes you see double and feel single.
There's a hurricane on the way. They said we should stock up on canned goods. So I went out and bought a case of beer.
Every new McDonald's creates 40 jobs.20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.
I went to a restaurant the other day called 'A Taste of the Raj.' The waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.
You don't eat Mexican food as such, you rent it.
Don’t take a butcher’s advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he’d be a chef.
The local butchers advertised: “Lamb for sale. Was £10 now £5”. I thought, that's sheep at half the price.
I went to an Indian restaurant. I thought this smells familiar. Do you ever get that? Deja Vindaloo?
Tell the cook that this steak still has marks on it where the jockey was hitting it.
My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta. I’m feeling cannelloni right now.
She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
MasterChef: "Cooking doesn't get tougher than this".
They clearly haven't tried my wife's steak pie.
What's long and thin, covered in skin; red in parts, and goes in tarts?
Rhubarb!
I am having a Shepherd's pie for lunch, he's really not happy about it.
I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the invention of the funnel.
Don't eat anything served to you out of a window, unless you're a seagull.
I've no problem with genetically modified food. It tastes great. I've just had a lovely leg of salmon.
Research tells us twelve out of any ten individuals likes chocolate.
Try spelling Evian backwards.
An alcoholic is one who drinks more than his doctor.
It's not the minutes you spend at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
A pint of beer produces more than a pint of urine.
Domino's is a good name for a pizza place but a bad name for a construction company.
If you are what you eat, I'm dead meat.
We doesn't need to be Gluten-Free so much as Glutton-Free.
Whiskey is carried into the committee room in demijohns and carried out in demagogues.
Last night on the way home I called in at the kebab shop and had a doner, which my body rejected.
I get distracted by all the meats in the deli section. It must be my short attention spam.
and one for bedtime
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house–not because this was womyn’s work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.
So Red Riding Hood set out with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident enough in her own budding sexuality that such obvious Freudian imagery did not hinder her.
On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, “Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.”
The Wolf said, “You know; my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”
Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style though, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes and crawled into bed.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch.”
From the bed, the Wolf said softly, “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”
Red Riding Hood said, Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!”
“They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear.”
“Grandma, what a big nose you have–only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way.”
“It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear.”
“Grandma, what big teeth you have!”
The Wolf said, “I am happy with who I am and what I am,” and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolfs apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.
Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melée and tried to intervene.
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding Hood and the Wolf both stopped.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” asked Red Riding Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.
“Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!” she said. “Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can’t solve their own problems without a man s help!”
When she heard Red Riding Hood’s speech, Grandma jumped out of the Wolf’s mouth, took the woodchopper-person’s axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.
Have a great Day and remember to smile and everyone will think what are they up to. Laugh because you have just read the Daily Laughter
Have a great day
Breathe easy my friends
Berwick xxxx
xx
Daily Laughter Thursday
