Daily Laughter Tuesday
Good Morning Tuesday
It use to be called the day of the long knives
Today is the day of the sharpened needles for me
Hope they don't overdose me this time
Have a great read and a smashing Tuesday
Berwick xxxx
AN OLD DOG HAS SOME NEW TRICKS TOO
A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari to Africa, taking her elderly poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep s--t now! Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and seewhat's going to happen to that conniving canine". Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
CHILDREN'S ANSWERS ON THE BIBLE
Imagine yourself to be the nun sitting at her desk
grading papers, all the while trying to keep a
straight face and maintain her composure!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF
YOU KNOW EVEN A LITTLE OF THE BIBLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS
HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST ON THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.
THESE ANSWERS WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT
BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED, AS YOU WILL SEE.
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1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT
TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND
THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT
A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE
APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY
INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO
UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE AL SO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPOSSUM WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO
A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.
*My Exercise Program***
The Doc told me to start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:
MONDAY
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
TUESDAY
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
WEDNESDAY
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
THURSDAY
Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
FRIDAY
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge
SATURDAY
Pick up the pieces.
SUNDAY
Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them
What a Workout!
WISDOM IN A SMALL PACKAGE
One day, a six-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher , a non believer, decided to make a point.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see GOD?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see GOD because HE isn't there. HE just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up wanting to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the Teacher ?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today, she doesn't have one.
MEDICAL TALES
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, MAYBE THE CENTURY
Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail
and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA!
NO WONDER THIRD WORLD
COUNTRIES THINK AMERICANS ARE NUTS
Ten "Elderly Gentleman" Jokes
We'll all be there someday. Is that why these are so funny???
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great lookingsuit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of
hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
__________________________________________
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
_________________________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--
already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
_________________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
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Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
____________________________________________
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but, it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
___________________________________
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
_________________________________________________________
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Shipwrecked Man and Woman on Deserted Island
>> A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a
>> vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have
>> the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
>>
>> He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,
>> nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
>>
>> After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most
>> gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
>>
>> In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
>>
>> She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here
>> when my cruise ship sank."
>>
>> "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up
>> with you."
>>
>> "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw
>> material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree
>> branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern
>> came from a Eucalyptus tree."
>>
>> "But, where did you get the tools?"
>>
>> "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the
>> island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I
>> fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile
>> iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
>>
>> The guy is stunned.
>>
>> "Let's row over to my place," she says.
>>
>> After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
>>
>> As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is
>> a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in red and white.
>>
>> While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,
>> the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
>> she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.
>>
>> Would you like a drink?"
>>
>> "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another
>> drop of coconut juice."
>>
>> "It's not coconut juice", winks the woman. "I have a still. How would
>> you like a Pina Colada?"
>>
>> Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit
>> down on her couch to talk.
>>
>> After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going
>> to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a
>> shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
>>
>> No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There,
>> in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells
>> honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel
>> mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he
>> returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically
>> positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to
>> sit down next to her.
>>
>> "Tell me", she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've
>> been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something
>> I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been
>> longing for?" She stares into his eyes.
>>
>> He cannot believe what he is hearing. "You mean . . ." he swallows
>> excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
>>
>> "Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!"
On that point
I think that I will close for Tuesday
Hope that you had a few belly laughs
Please have a great Tuesday
and remember me getting stabbed again He he "Bring on the antibodies."
Berwickxxxx
Daily Laughter Tuesday
