My PPP story

I went throught PPP 1 year and 1 month ago. I remember everything being so beautiful and being so happy, who knew the drastic change my life would take. I remember i was cooking for my husband and suddenly let a tortilla burn. I washed it like if i had never seen something on fire before. Paying close attention to it. I didnt even realise i could of caused a fire in my home. Then my 1 year old at that time was playing pretending she was washing dishes and threw water all over the floor. My husband was really upset but i was really calm and told him, let her its just water anyways. Then things started getting worst. I dont remember exactly everything but only some parts. I took a shower with my daughter that took a long time. I had no countious of time. I remember my husband knocking wondering why i was taking so long. I remember thinking my daughter was an angel and that the restroom was heaven. I also remember i would talk to god and he would answer me. When i got out of the shower i remember telling my husband that i had powers to heal people and that god would talk to me. We are christians and believe in miracles and i guess that is why my husband wasnt that concerned. He didnt believe what i was saying of course but didnt think much of it. We were going to bed. I remember going to the restroom and suddenly the restroom wasnt my restroom it was hell. I was scared. When i got out of the shower i remember carrying my new born and seeing him as a demon. Also my 1 year old being a demon. A horrible creature. I seriously believed i was in hell. That i had died and had gone to hell. I remember telling my husband omg im in hell. He would tell me know your home. With me and the kids. I still believed i was at hell and nothing he told me made me feel better. I just remember him calling my mom this was around 2am and telling her i was acting weird. After that i dont remember much :/. I dont know how many days i was like that. I remember my mom caring for me praying for. All my family members talking to me and telling me to be strong and crying. (My mom told me 3 days passed) My husband had the idea to google my symptoms and read that what i had could be PPP, they decided to take me to the hospital. They send me too NIX in san antonio where i was treated for a week. Then went home but nothing was the same. I couldnt do anything on my own. It took me about 4 months to be able to care for my kids and to things i couldnt. Still with the help of my mom. 1 year and 1 month later here i am feeling great thanks to God, still receiving treatment but im back to my normal self. I put everything in gods hands and i thank him everyday for healing me. I am really scared to get pregnant again.Before PPP i had never had any mental illness nor any of my family members been trhough something similar. I am scared it might happen again.

7 Replies

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  • Hi Agonzalez 1323.

    Thanks for sharing your story here. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, and after one year you are doing so well to be feeling better. I hope you find this forum another source of help as you recover. There are lots of really helpful posts about planning another baby after PPP.

    It's my daughter's fourth birthday on Friday, so I'm beginning to relive my experience of PPP too. Like you, my own experience was really out of the blue, with no prior history of illness in my family. It took a long time to make sense of what had happened, but it does get easier as time passes.

    My faith is also a big source of strength to me, and I pray that you will be able to face your fears about the future. I also hope there are some good medical professionals in your area who can help you with this decision.

    Blessings,

    LRBS

  • Thank you for sharing you story here. I hope that it has helped you. I also suffered from PP with no prior mental health problems and it took everyone including professionals a few days to realise what was wrong with me and by that point I required sectioning as I had lost all sense of reality and was refusing any medication. I had not heard of PP before being diagnosed. My daughter has just turned 4 and at this time of year the memories come back but it does get easier as time goes by. You are doing really well to feel so well after only a year. It took a long time for me to decide to try for another child. There have been alot of good posts about planning for another child and there is also a guide on the APP website. Take care

  • Your experience rings familiar to mine in so many ways. I'm a qualified nurse although not in mental health and I remember being convinced that no one would believe that I was ill because they thought I must be faking it. I knew subconsciously that something was wrong in the early days before I got taken to a psychiatrist unit ( first 2 were general and terrible), but even though I'm a nurse I hadn't heard of pp , and my family kept saying they thought it was pnd, I knew that I needed to get to a lace of safety and presented myself to the accident and emergency depth twice in one night ( the first time I ran off). This was all in the middle of the night when I'd run off from home after trying to Stan myself to prove I was dead. It was 2 weeks on the psychiatric units before anyone worked out what was wrong and sent me to the mother and baby unit. Your experience sounds terrible. I'm glad to hear that you're doing so much better now.stay strong .

  • Hello,

    Welcome to the forum, and thank you so much for sharing some of your story. It sounds like you've been through a really traumatic time. It's really good to hear though that you feel well now. I had PP myself in 2011 and had many scary delusions too, including thinking I was in hell, and that I was the devil - so I know very well how traumatic and scary it was. It takes time to come to terms with it doesn't it? I hope that you are finding this forum helpful, it has been such a crucial part of my recovery. It is hard for other people in our lives I think, who have never had PP, to really truly understand what we have been through.

    I also have faith, like yourself, and give thanks every day for my life, and my family, and especially for my beautiful son. It sounds like you have a really amazing supportive family which is wonderful.

    In terms of planning other children, I don't have any personal experience of this, but there are many posts on here of people considering second pregnancies, or who are pregnant with their second. APP have written a guide for women who are planning a second pregnancy. It is written by women who have had PP's and mental health professionals. It is obviously aimed at women who live in the UK but I think the majority of the information will be relevant for you. Information is here: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

    What I have heard from many women on here is that writing a good care plan is key, and that there are many things you can put in place to prevent it happening again such as taking anti psychotic medication after, or even before, the birth. It is really important that you have professionals supporting you, such as a, ideally, perinatal psychiatrist or mental health team. I do hope that you have access to support such as this?

    Do ask any questions you need, we are all here for each other.

    Take care

  • Hello agonzalez1323

    I've not much to add to all the helpful replies and links above except to say that I'm glad you are feeling great now. PP is such a traumatic experience and the delusions can be very real and frightening. There is a post on this site from a few years ago now entitled "Delusions of Grandeur and other religious experiences" in which some mums describe their thoughts during the time PP struck.

    I hope the treatment plan you have in place will help you come to terms with all that happened to you. Just one year and one day is very early to recover so you are doing really well and should be very proud of yourself.

    Take good care.

  • Thank you so much for everyones responses. I do feel blessed that after so little time i am well. For right now I am not planning on having a baby, but hopefully will eventually. Reading all your post has helped me a lot and I am glad i found this page. Blessings to everyone!!

  • Hi Agonzalez1323 Thank you so much for sharing your story. It must have been hard to relive all that trauma to write it down. It sounds like you had some really terrifying experiences. It'd brilliant that your faith helped you through and you're doing so well with your recovery. It's good that you're not rushing into planning another baby just yet as you still have a lot of painful memories to overcome, but great that you have hope of that for the future. If you do want to briefly read about how I went on to have another child after 4 years I've just posted a reply to somebody else here healthunlocked.com/app-netw...

    Very best wishes for your continued recovery.

    Tracey

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