Hello,Late night post here but this thought does seem to pop up still..
I'm three years down the line from my Postpartum Psychosis experience, and I'm wondering if anyone else gets this feeling sometimes.
I love my daughter an unconditional amount, she is what keeps me going every day and I will always do my best for her always!
But a thought pops up where I think things like 'is she mine?' 'how am I a mum?' 'how do I have a daughter?'
And sometimes I feel like more of an auntie in my head, but I'm a mother.
It's really hard to put it into words. But sometimes I feel distant towards her, almost in autopilot mode (single mother too, so the daily load is a lot).
I'm wondering if it's to do with those early months with having PPP. I do think my bond with her was affected a lot due to this. I still feel like this robbed me of my first year with her.
As after the PPP went away, I was left in a depressive haze of 'what just happened ?!', trying to navigate life after it with a newborn was hard! I really lost myself for a long time and struggled so much with motherhood.
Perhaps this is why I still can't get my head around the fact she is my daughter?
Anyways.. I'm rambling now, but I would be interested to hear others thoughts on this!
Thank you 😊
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Creativeyellow
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I just reached my 3 year anniversary too! How are you feeling about yourself?
One thing that I found was that by anniversary 2 I has deflected a lot and threw myself into projects and never processed it all.
Then the past year I really processed it, I talked about it on social media and to the press and I took stock of everything… and I found this anniversary and the “locked up anniversary” harder than ever.
I like to think it’s because even tho I had therapy and support - I put a bandaid on the wound but this year I pulled that bandaid off and dug deep into the wound processing it all.. now I know it was tough, really tough in some cases but I also know the healing has begun properly now.
If you are as busy and unable to process everything as I think you might be, maybe you are just surviving, and therapy or self help books might help you process it more and rip the bandaid off? It’ll be sore, but then the wound has time to heal properly!
This forum is amazing for peer support if you need it. I thoroughly recommend reaching out or maybe joining a cafe event there are definitely others in a similar position to you!
I’m sorry you are feeling this way and hope you can get through this, she is yours, she is beautiful and strong and funny (and if like my munchkin sassy) and your world! And you will guide her through life with a wise strength that comes from processing a trauma the right way 😍😍😍
Good luck with everything! Reach out if you need anything I’m DayDotjournals on social media ☺️💜💜
I can relate to this so much. Rationally I know I’m his mum (I hear it 10,000 times a day) and emotionally I know it too.
We have an incredible bond, and I am filled with overwhelming love when I look at him (mostly when he’s asleep 😂).
But there’s such a strange feeling that I can’t quite believe I am his mum and that he’s my boy. It’s a surreal feeling but you hit the nail on the head.
My personal view is that because of the trauma of our experience there’s a small part of detachment as our brains are still processing what’s happened. As the years pass by and we will have more positive memories built with them I think/hope this feeling will fade away.
I think you explained the feeling very well. I certainly feel that I have a very different relationship with my 'PP child' than with my 'non PP' child.
Of course I love them both equally and massively. However, the happy uncomplicated memories of babyhood are just not there for my PP child.
What I would say though, is that as they have grown older (they're 15 now) it's as though I'm getting the privilege of getting to know them as their own person, rather than as my own picture of them as my child.
Not sure that makes sense, but just trying to explain that although the bond is different it's just as lovely and interesting.
Yes, I can relate to that. When you are first given your baby, they often don't look like you - hard to believe they are yours! I think we all question our maternal instinct and how well we are doing.
But the thing I can most relate to, is feeling like a zombie and taking a long time to get back to being myself. I got stronger and stronger as time went on, but I think even when my daughter started school, there was still that shadow of apprehension that people would be able to tell how ill l had been. But that didn't happen, I have continued to go from strength to strength and things have got better and better.
Having a baby is a miracle, but it's tough being a mum. We have guilt about everything, which isn't helpful. I am sad that I couldn't breastfeed because of medication, I worry that having to send my daughter to nursery at 7 months affected my bond. But she's now aged 21 and at Uni, distance makes the heart grow stronger and we are now the closest we have been. Don't give up! X
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