This post may contain sensitive topics.

[AinslW]

Does anyone relate to sleeplessness related to dreams and nightmares about labor, birth, and PP? I know I probably have PTSD, as I've had a lot of dissociation and derealization since my episode a year ago, but the intrusiveness of the trauma memories and fears is new, as of a couple of weeks ago. I know a trigger for it was being present as a doula support for a family giving birth in the same hospital I had my stillbirth and PP. Her birth was long and not totally uncomplicated and then I was of course in the same place as my birth and episode. The sleeplessness and dreams started after that. I'm pregnant myself and some of the dreams have to do with my own labor and birth and fears around that and some have to do with memories, and others have to do with other people I know and their labor and births. I know I just have a lot on my mind from trying to process it all and it's coming out at night, I think. Other than that, my depression during the day dampens my spirit and makes it hard to get chores done and give supportive parenting to my two living children. I'm trying to exercise a lot of gentleness and self-compassion. We also hired a nanny for the mornings this summer so I'm trying to use the time she's here for a lot of self-care and self-nurturing. I know part of it is unrealistic expectations, too. I want so bad to be the supermom I feel like I was before our loss, and in my grief and PP recovery, that's just not realistically where I can be 12 months out. I would love to hear from other moms about how they relate to any of this so I can know I'm not alone. Thank you.

[Twobabies Volunteer]

Dear AinslW, I’m glad you’ve reached out on here. App are an amazing charity that have supported me and many others through recovery and ongoing. Firstly I want to send you love and a massive hug. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, I can only imagine the trauma and pain you’ve experienced. And ppp on top of everything, truly horrendous. Your here, pushing on and that is wonderful.

Congratulations on your pregnancy I hope all is well and you get all the support and care at this time and beyond. I had Ppp after birthing twins one was critically unwell awaiting life saving surgery. So I haven’t experienced what you have but have had to go back to where I became unwell with pp and extremely stressful traumatic situations in that same space regarding my child’s health . I found going back to same space nerve wracking but also different as I was getting much more sleep than I had been at the time of developing pp. I also felt it helped in a little way as I realised how traumatic my experience had been there post birth and how unique the experience was and how even with sleep now it would be difficult to cope. So the main thing was trying to give myself a break and release some of the guilt, shame etc that can surround the experience of Pp. When actually self compassion and just realising what a truly hard traumatic time you’ve had can help in allowing yourself to meet yourself where you are at. You said you have high expectations and you are pushing yourself - you mention unrealistic expectations, and to me it seems good that you are recognising this - when I read you were a doula at a birth in same room I thought that sounds truly awful and not surprising that that might bring back very traumatic memories. Maybe you’re putting others needs ahead of your own? I wonder if you have had or are having any talking therapy? I have for a long time and it has helped me a lot. I wonder also if in having had Pp before if you are getting support with your pregnancy? Do you have a supportive midwife? This talk of super mum It sounds like you recognise is so much pressure! Not just super mum but super doula, friend and other I’m sure. Maybe accepting you are blooming amazing you’ve been through unimaginable trauma and you are doing your best and truly hearing what you need for now is good way. Team yourself sending you so much love ❤️ we’ve all got your back here and wish you all the very best. Do reach out for support you deserve it Xx

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Hello AinsIW,

I’m sorry to hear of your sleeplessness and troubling thoughts, that must be extremely hard for you.

I am so sorry to hear of all that you’ve experienced. It sounds like you’ve been through such a huge amount with your family. Suffering such a sad and tragic loss.

You’ve shared what you’re experiencing in your post with such self compassion, describing all the excellent things you’re doing to keep yourself supported and well. You should be extremely proud of yourself for the strength you’re showing in this every day.

I feel it’s absolutely natural to be experiencing the feelings you describe after what you’ve been through. I wonder if you can confide in the medical team around you again? Perhaps talking through what you’re experiencing will be helpful, and they might be able to maybe make suggestions of what might help?

We’re thinking of you lots. Sending my restful thoughts and best wishes to you for more restorative and comforting sleep soon. Take care, Rachel x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi AinslW, I am so sorry to hear how for the past weeks you have some intrusive trauma memories resurfacing. I think it is particularly difficult to support during a labour when you have gone through the experiences you have. After experiencing pp I struggled when my sister in law gave birth, and I was not even present in the hospital, just supported her in the first days at home with baby. As a contrast, I experienced much more calmness when it came to my own second pregnancy and birth. I felt that being on the driving seat and being aware of my mental state made me feel much more in control.

I think it is so key you are identifying what you are experiencing at the moment and that you are already putting some measures in place to give yourself some time, now more than ever you have to put yourself first. I think it is important that you also reach to the mental health professionals that are following you at the moment and mention the recent recurrence of nightmares and what therapy they can offer you to work though your response to the traumatic events that took place a year ago. It is also good you acknowledge that is entirely normal to be still processing these events, it takes time, and the length of it is different to each individual.

Take really good care, will be thinking of you

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi AinslW, just wondering how you are doing and if you have been able to update the team following you. Take really good care, thinking of you

[AinslW in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Maria, thank you for checking in. I have made much progress in the last few weeks. I was able to get off of Latuda and am now on zero psychiatric medications which I didn’t think would be possible. Despite not being on any medication, I feel stable and generally well. I am still contending with PTSD symptoms but they are not as debilitating as before. I credit consistent individual and marital therapy, frequent psychiatrist appts, involvement of my GP’s office and OB, frequent visits with good psychologically safe friends, and support groups. I’ve also been using books and music and behavioral activation and nutritional support to help me move through my day without getting stuck in hypoarousal and dissociation. Thank you so much for checking in it means a lot.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator in reply to AinslW]

Hi AinslW, those are great news, it is lovely to hear how much progress you have made. Credit yourself as you have reached out for all these tools and worked with them. It so reassuring to read that despite still experiencing symptoms of PTSD they are not as debilitating.

Keep us updated on how you are getting on, here for anything you may need