Accepting I need help but scared to admit things

[Mamatrying2makeit]

Hi All,

I’m a 25 year old Mum from the Uk. I was recently diagnosed with Post Partum Psychosis after my baby was born in 2018 and it’s been a rollercoaster since. A couple of days after having my baby irrational thoughts kicked in that my baby was going to die in there sleep, suffocate, or my family were going to try and steal even molest them.

I didn’t sleep for days on end watching my baby sleep for hours, eventually hallucinating and having an ambulance called for me. They told me I was over tired and to be honest I played it down because I thought they would take my baby from me.

Since then, I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder affecting my relationship (one minute I’m happy the next I’m deeply sad and cannot gets out of bed) I haven’t been put on any medication yet but I’ve been told by my doctor and therapist that my PP isn’t so bad to need tablets, since Lockdown in the Uk things have spiralled.

I recently starting using cocaine whilst out with friends and drinking leaving my child with their father, and then I’m on a come down for days. I can’t tell you how disgusted I feel with myself. I have never tried drugs before so why now as a mother? I feel really unworthy of my title as a parent. I really want to stop this lifestyle right now before it affects my full ability to parent as I have an addictive personality also. I am often fantasising about suicide but not putting anything into plan. I’m so scared to tell my therapist the truth about what’s going on incase they section me or call social services as part of my PP is that they will take my child away. Even though before all this I was assessed to see if my child was at risk and they had no doubt that they are not.

I’ve messaged my old friends asking them to leave me alone and I want to change and be a better mum and not drink or do drugs and just because I don’t do it front of my child doesn’t make it ok. Is there anywhere I can go anonymously to seek help? Maybe a group or something? I’m petrified of losing my child. I’m doing all the things I’m afraid of which goes against my fears? I’m so confused right now. I can’t tell you how much I love being a mum and I love my child so so much.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Mamatrying2makeit

Welcome to the forum. I’m so sorry you were struck by PP and things have continued to be so difficult since, and that things have now been spiralling since lockdown.

I think you’ve made a huge step reaching out and seeking help here, really brave.

You should be able to speak to your GP or therapist in confidence but I can understand your reluctance to do so, especially if it links in with your PP fears.

There is a list of sources of support that might be helpful on the Mind website here: mind.org.uk/information-sup... - the Frank website might be a place to start? talktofrank.com/get-help/fi...

Your love for your child is clear in your post and recognising that you need help and seeking it early is really positive, as is distancing yourself from negative influences. I hope you can get things back on track and to a position where you feel able to talk to your therapist. Lockdown has been hugely difficult and a lot of face to face support has been reduced, but there should be online and virtual options.

Wishing you all the very best, take good care.

Jenny x

[Teresa_K_S Volunteer in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Hi Mamatrying2makeit,

Well done for taking a step to try and get some control back. It sounds like you have a lot going off and it must be scary and confusing.

After my PP I went out partying a bit and it was quite out of character for me. Looking back I think in a desperate way I was trying to find myself again.

If you can be as open as possible, about your mental health and past recreational drugs, with your gp or any professional then they can more easily help you.

My brother has had a drug problem and in order to help himself he found the only way to avoid being in touch with old unhelpful friendships was to get a new sim card and not give out his contact details.

Take care

Teresa x

[Mamatrying2makeit in reply to Teresa_K_S]

Thank you, that sounds like exactly what I’ve been doing. Holding on to my former pre baby self and trying to find me. I don’t even know what I like any more or what I like doing in the little free time I get.

Thanks for your advice. I’m sticking to my guns about avoiding old friends etc, I feel guilty too on them as I make my own decisions but the environmental factors don’t help and they are part of that.

I’ve got a new sim too so I just need to take the leap x

[Teresa_K_S Volunteer]

Hi Mamatrying2makeit,

That is great that you already have a new sim card. I can understand you feeling guilty about friendship but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Friendships often come and go as our lives take different courses. Of course there are those special friends who do remain constant. Try to surround yourself with friends you can talk to about everyday things as well as have fun together. Its been so difficult with covid lockdown but now that the lockdown has been lifted it should hopefully help. Getting out into fresh air really makes a difference to my mental health.

I think, as you say, it is really a culture shock when you become a new mum. You have this bundle of joy whom you feel so much responsibility for. Comes with no handbook so you spend half the time taking conflicting advice from your mum, your Aunt, your sister in law, mother in law, and Brenda who lives 3 doors down (I'm being a little facetious here, but you get what I'm saying) Basically I spent a lot of time stressing that I was never doing the right thing.

With all time spent looking after baby, tidying the house, and cooking there is not a lot of time left for mum. I felt as though I was no longer the same person and it took a long time before I eventually felt like my old self. Maybe if you could arrange for some time to yourself to go do something for just you Im sure that would help. Even better, if it was a regular arrangement it would give you a little bit of me time to look forward to each week

All the best

Teresa x

[Illberidingshotgun]

Hey! This is a very brave post to write, so well done to you for sharing your story. My sister had PPP In December and has had severe depression ever since. We have a social worker involved, but I can assure you that they aren’t simply looking to take anyone’s child away from them, unless they would be in immediate danger. Social services have been amazing and so supportive to us as a family. My sister is in an acute mental health ward currently, getting the help she needs, and myself and my mum are looking after her baby until she’s well enough to again. When this is the case, my sister and her baby will go to a mother and baby unit, where they will get support with feeding/sleep/bond/etc until she is ready to come home. Admitting that you need help is the hardest part, but you can do it!! 😁

[Jane5678]

Well done for reaching out, being open and honest is the only way. My sister has been sectioned twice but there has never been anything to suggest that they might take her son away. Quite the opposite she has had help with bonding and counselling. Please access help everyones goal is for a healthly mum and baby. You can't get the right help if your team don't know what is going on. Well done in your recovery so far.

[boat1]

You must stop the bad habits. They will affect your mental health greatly and possibly cause you other serious problems. You need to look after yourself, stay away from stress, look after your physical mental health. Good healthy diet, exercise, and spending time with your baby. Good habits will reduce depressive symptoms. You had a traumatic relapse. It takes time to get back and better. Bad habits will bring you more down. I personally don't think its personality disorder. Get a second opinion. Probably just depression/ anxiety. Bi polar is a possibility. But keep a list of your symptoms/ do your research , go seek help if necessary. Maybe some medication/ different one may help if you feel you really need it. We have all been through similar experiences. We recovered so will you. It takes time

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Mamatrying2makeit

Like all PP mums you really have so much courage! You have had some really good support and advice here already. I just wanted to add what a star you are and hope you can take that leap of faith to believe in yourself .... you have already made it Mama :). Take good care of yourself.

[Mamatrying2makeit in reply to Lilybeth]

I can’t Thankyou enough 💗

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Mamatryingtomakeit

You are very welcome ....... there’s a Sandra King quote which I like and gives comfort : “Be like the single blade of grass for she too has been trampled on, mowed down and hit with such bitterly cold stretches that she has had to shut down to survive. Yet still she stands upright and with dignity, knowing that she endures, and still she dances with the wind .....

Take care❤️