I had some really scary/traumatising hallucinations around my daughter after she was born.
When I would look at her, her skin would look blue/purple in tone like she was not able to breath or dead. At the worst of it before I was given Olanzapine her eyes were going full black along with her looking like a dead baby.
Because of this I wasn’t able to look at her because it was so scary and I found it really hard/nearly impossible to bond with her. I never wanted to hurt her and I never heard voices to hurt it. I did have auditory hallucinations but it was more like sounds (snakes and clicking and laughing). Even after being medicated I found her to be a really ugly baby except when I look at her baby photos now she’s absolutely beautiful and adorable. At the time I only told a few people because I was so ashamed about how fu**ed up it was and that people wouldn’t believe me.
Alls to say: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT!? Does anyone have similar experience? Is this some sort of childhood trauma or tied to maybe my older son having a seizure before the baby was born. I guess I just want to know why my brain came up with this. Please let me know as it haunts me!!!
More bout my experience in a reply if anyone wants to chime in:
Thank you wow this is so helpful! I grew up catholic my mom had bad experiences with the church so was often negative about it but my grandma was very religious and always told me about angels and prayer. When I was maybe 4 I swear I saw a beautiful white angel sitting on the fence outside my room protecting me. Then at 13 when my uncle died in our house I saw his white figure again protecting us. People roll their eyes if I open up to tell them but for me it was as real as day.
I spent about 2 weeks at MCHAS before going to MBU. I wasn’t medicated and was basically in psychosis the entire time. For some reason they would let me out to go on walks by myself!!!! inside the facility I would often be in such fear it was scary. The people their intentions everything. I would hear snakes and clicking. When I would go on walks I was able to make it fun and it was like I was in this video game world. I would listen to music and skip around and play on the playground nearby. I probably looked so crazy and I was but it was fun. I remember seeing a guy in the facility and it looked like a cage and I told myself he wasn’t playing right. And because I could blend in I was doing good. On a walk I stumbled near the church at St. Charles and I sat through a service and prayed and literally it was one of the most spiritual experiences. Everything was glowing and white and I took communion and the singing was heightened and beautiful.
When I got the MBU I swear god was talking to me through music, people’s words, and this quote book I had. I was also artistically inspired and was painting all day something I hadn’t done in years. My paintings were very positive with angels flowers colours. All of this was really special and healing. I knew I was sick though because when I saw my daughter she looked really unwell. I would also get really depressed and was in delirium. I would get lost on the unit and was super sensitive to light sound etc. I also would get super energised and happy and would dance around and wanted to take my clothes off!!!! Alls to say it was a terrifying experience but there was also very happy spiritual side to it.
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Unicorn23
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thank you for your honest post, it must have been such a scary time for you.
I didn’t have visual hallucinations but I remember being hyper sensitive to noises and thought I was being listened to on the baby monitor. It’s odd what our brain does during pp and I think it’s hard for us to process as only we know what was going on inside our brain.
One positive I take from your message, is that you describe your daughter as beautiful, you clearly have bonded with her, so take the good in that.
Are there any professionals that you still see who you could discuss these concerns with?
Like Rachel has already said, thank you for posting so honestly. I’m so sorry you experienced such frightening hallucinations around your daughter.
I do think I experienced some visual hallucinations before I was admitted with PP - I would watch my son grow as I was feeding him at night and in the morning he’d be back to normal. In the MBU I don’t think I experienced any visual hallucinations but I did hear voices and footsteps that weren’t there. I did have thoughts about my son being a monster and doubts that he was my baby. I remember the staff bringing him to me for the first time since going in to the MBU, it had probably only been a day or two. He had some milk spots so did look different, and he wore vests that said things like ‘monster’ on them which in hindsight wasn’t helpful…
Our brains went on the fritz. I don’t know why we see what we see or hear what we hear, our brains just weren’t working properly. Maybe there’s no explanation for the things we perceived were real, I don’t know. Maybe it’s some kind of projection of the fear inside us. What I do know is it wasn’t our fault. I’m sorry you’ve felt shame. I have too. But it was the illness and we have nothing to feel ashamed about.
Keep writing here whenever it helps and thank you again for posting.
Hi Unicorn23 thanks for your honest and brave post. For me, it’s a relief to hear you had a similar experience to me as I was also seeing my daughters eyes as all black when she would visit with her father at the psych ward. I remember him sending me photos of her and I would see her eyes black in the photo, and I look back on that same photo now as normal, it is so surreal.
My symptoms got worse at the ward unsurprisingly, and I would see demonic/distorted faces on some people, and it didn’t help when they wore covid masks so it looked like they had grimaces on their faces, like they were evil and laughing at me. I vividly remember a male member of staff having a very distressed distortion on his face.
I can only speculate from personal experience that it is a fear state your brain goes into for self preservation, or a stated of heightened awareness like an animal state. I will also say my experiences with psychosis have made me really question reality, and the fact that we really don’t know what is going on when these things happen to people. Drs don’t really know, and can only say it is all in your head.
For me, the things I was sensing and hearing did not seem all in my head. It was utterly bizarre as I have always been firmly rooted in reality, but my heritage is also influenced by more mystical and esoteric knowledge of this world with a Sudanese mother. I’m also holistic in my view and interested in the esoteric field of understanding the world. However, being raised in Western culture also gives me a scientific perspective on it, and the need for medical intervention and treatment.
I wonder if there is something energetic going on, like picking up on other dimensions we do not normally see if we are in a more grounded place energetically. I feel women are very vulnerable after birth, and we have lost that community/protective circle we used to have in the past. I think women need to be protected spiritually around the time of birth as you are very open.
I hope that helps having confirmation that it isn’t only you, and it is a common experience with PP. It’s not anything you did, or your fault and you shouldn’t feel quality. I know I did have those feelings. You clearly love your daughter and have a strong bond.
It’s good to share on here about anything you are feeling. It’s somewhere you know you will not be judged, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Personally, I found just tellling someone about those distressing experiences helped me process them. I hope you can to and put them behind you. Sending lots of love to you xx
Thank you wow this is so helpful! I grew up catholic my mom had bad experiences with the church so was often negative about it but my grandma was very religious and always told me about angels and prayer. When I was maybe 4 I swear I saw a beautiful white angel sitting on the fence outside my room protecting me. Then at 13 when my uncle died in our house I saw his white figure again protecting us. People roll their eyes if I open up to tell them but for me it was as real as day.
I spent about 2 weeks at MCHAS before going to MBU. I wasn’t medicated and was basically in psychosis the entire time. For some reason they would let me out to go on walks by myself!!!! inside the facility I would often be in such fear it was scary. The people their intentions everything. I would hear snakes and clicking. When I would go on walks I was able to make it fun and it was like I was in this video game world. I would listen to music and skip around and play on the playground nearby. I probably looked so crazy and I was but it was fun. I remember seeing a guy in the facility and it looked like a cage and I told myself he wasn’t playing right. And because I could blend in I was doing good. On a walk I stumbled near the church at St. Charles and I sat through a service and prayed and literally it was one of the most spiritual experiences. Everything was glowing and white and I took communion and the singing was heightened and beautiful.
When I got the MBU I swear god was talking to me through music, people’s words, and this quote book I had. I was also artistically inspired and was painting all day something I hadn’t done in years. My paintings were very positive with angels flowers colours. All of this was really special and healing. I knew I was sick though because when I saw my daughter she looked really unwell. I would also get really depressed and was in delirium. I would get lost on the unit and was super sensitive to light sound etc. I also would get super energised and happy and would dance around and wanted to take my clothes off!!!! Alls to say it was a terrifying experience but there was also very happy spiritual side to it.
Hi Unicorn23 I too found my baby quite unattractive in his first few weeks and felt like the most unnatural, hateful mother alive for feeling like that.
I also went mad around him in other ways (it wasn’t PP in my case but severe OCD with psychotic features), including lots of losing touch with reality for the first time in my life. I thought there was something malevolent about him, that there was someone out to get me who was “in” him, and I strongly believed that I wasn’t his mother. My therapist says it’s down to so many different factors colliding - brain chemistry and hormones, lack of medication, pre-existing vulnerabilities to mental ill-health, stress…
Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and while i don’t suppose ill ever truly understand what happened to me, it’s really helpful to me to hear of others who have experienced similarly crazy things. I hope it helps you too x
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How were you treated by others when you had PP? 
Virtual hand holding maybe?
Sorry to keep going on but I'm really struggling at the moment. Sorry if I've said all this before in earlier posts.
