hallucinations

[Unicorn23]

TRIGGER WARNING

I had some really scary/traumatising hallucinations around my daughter after she was born.

When I would look at her, her skin would look blue/purple in tone like she was not able to breath or dead. At the worst of it before I was given Olanzapine her eyes were going full black along with her looking like a dead baby.

Because of this I wasn’t able to look at her because it was so scary and I found it really hard/nearly impossible to bond with her. I never wanted to hurt her and I never heard voices to hurt it. I did have auditory hallucinations but it was more like sounds (snakes and clicking and laughing). Even after being medicated I found her to be a really ugly baby except when I look at her baby photos now she’s absolutely beautiful and adorable. At the time I only told a few people because I was so ashamed about how fu**ed up it was and that people wouldn’t believe me.

Alls to say: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ABOUT!? Does anyone have similar experience? Is this some sort of childhood trauma or tied to maybe my older son having a seizure before the baby was born. I guess I just want to know why my brain came up with this. Please let me know as it haunts me!!!

More bout my experience in a reply if anyone wants to chime in:

Thank you wow this is so helpful! I grew up catholic my mom had bad experiences with the church so was often negative about it but my grandma was very religious and always told me about angels and prayer. When I was maybe 4 I swear I saw a beautiful white angel sitting on the fence outside my room protecting me. Then at 13 when my uncle died in our house I saw his white figure again protecting us. People roll their eyes if I open up to tell them but for me it was as real as day.

I spent about 2 weeks at MCHAS before going to MBU. I wasn’t medicated and was basically in psychosis the entire time. For some reason they would let me out to go on walks by myself!!!! inside the facility I would often be in such fear it was scary. The people their intentions everything. I would hear snakes and clicking. When I would go on walks I was able to make it fun and it was like I was in this video game world. I would listen to music and skip around and play on the playground nearby. I probably looked so crazy and I was but it was fun. I remember seeing a guy in the facility and it looked like a cage and I told myself he wasn’t playing right. And because I could blend in I was doing good. On a walk I stumbled near the church at St. Charles and I sat through a service and prayed and literally it was one of the most spiritual experiences. Everything was glowing and white and I took communion and the singing was heightened and beautiful.

When I got the MBU I swear god was talking to me through music, people’s words, and this quote book I had. I was also artistically inspired and was painting all day something I hadn’t done in years. My paintings were very positive with angels flowers colours. All of this was really special and healing. I knew I was sick though because when I saw my daughter she looked really unwell. I would also get really depressed and was in delirium. I would get lost on the unit and was super sensitive to light sound etc. I also would get super energised and happy and would dance around and wanted to take my clothes off!!!! Alls to say it was a terrifying experience but there was also very happy spiritual side to it.

[RachelK_at_APP Moderator]

hi Unicorn23,

thank you for your honest post, it must have been such a scary time for you.

I didn’t have visual hallucinations but I remember being hyper sensitive to noises and thought I was being listened to on the baby monitor. It’s odd what our brain does during pp and I think it’s hard for us to process as only we know what was going on inside our brain.

One positive I take from your message, is that you describe your daughter as beautiful, you clearly have bonded with her, so take the good in that.

Are there any professionals that you still see who you could discuss these concerns with?

Take care

Rachel K

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi Unicorn23

Like Rachel has already said, thank you for posting so honestly. I’m so sorry you experienced such frightening hallucinations around your daughter.

I do think I experienced some visual hallucinations before I was admitted with PP - I would watch my son grow as I was feeding him at night and in the morning he’d be back to normal. In the MBU I don’t think I experienced any visual hallucinations but I did hear voices and footsteps that weren’t there. I did have thoughts about my son being a monster and doubts that he was my baby. I remember the staff bringing him to me for the first time since going in to the MBU, it had probably only been a day or two. He had some milk spots so did look different, and he wore vests that said things like ‘monster’ on them which in hindsight wasn’t helpful…

Our brains went on the fritz. I don’t know why we see what we see or hear what we hear, our brains just weren’t working properly. Maybe there’s no explanation for the things we perceived were real, I don’t know. Maybe it’s some kind of projection of the fear inside us. What I do know is it wasn’t our fault. I’m sorry you’ve felt shame. I have too. But it was the illness and we have nothing to feel ashamed about.

Keep writing here whenever it helps and thank you again for posting.

Jenny x

[The_Wes_Anderson_Fan Volunteer]

Hello Unicorn23

Yes, when I was on the MBU, there was a time when I found lots of people's eyes scary. Although not my baby.

I won't go into more detail as it may be distressing to others.

Anyway, you are not alone in this experience.

I've been well for over 20 years, but the eyes thing was definitely not a pleasant experience. I try not to dwell on it.

Thinking of you.

Lots of love.

XXX

[SaffFree Volunteer]

Hi  Unicorn23 thanks for your honest and brave post. For me, it’s a relief to hear you had a similar experience to me as I was also seeing my daughters eyes as all black when she would visit with her father at the psych ward. I remember him sending me photos of her and I would see her eyes black in the photo, and I look back on that same photo now as normal, it is so surreal.

My symptoms got worse at the ward unsurprisingly, and I would see demonic/distorted faces on some people, and it didn’t help when they wore covid masks so it looked like they had grimaces on their faces, like they were evil and laughing at me. I vividly remember a male member of staff having a very distressed distortion on his face.

I can only speculate from personal experience that it is a fear state your brain goes into for self preservation, or a stated of heightened awareness like an animal state. I will also say my experiences with psychosis have made me really question reality, and the fact that we really don’t know what is going on when these things happen to people. Drs don’t really know, and can only say it is all in your head.

For me, the things I was sensing and hearing did not seem all in my head. It was utterly bizarre as I have always been firmly rooted in reality, but my heritage is also influenced by more mystical and esoteric knowledge of this world with a Sudanese mother. I’m also holistic in my view and interested in the esoteric field of understanding the world. However, being raised in Western culture also gives me a scientific perspective on it, and the need for medical intervention and treatment.

I wonder if there is something energetic going on, like picking up on other dimensions we do not normally see if we are in a more grounded place energetically. I feel women are very vulnerable after birth, and we have lost that community/protective circle we used to have in the past. I think women need to be protected spiritually around the time of birth as you are very open.

I hope that helps having confirmation that it isn’t only you, and it is a common experience with PP. It’s not anything you did, or your fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty. I know I did have those feelings. You clearly love your daughter and have a strong bond.

It’s good to share on here about anything you are feeling. It’s somewhere you know you will not be judged, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Personally, I found just tellling someone about those distressing experiences helped me process them. I hope you can to and put them behind you. Sending lots of love to you xx

[Unicorn23 in reply to SaffFree]

Thank you wow this is so helpful! I grew up catholic my mom had bad experiences with the church so was often negative about it but my grandma was very religious and always told me about angels and prayer. When I was maybe 4 I swear I saw a beautiful white angel sitting on the fence outside my room protecting me. Then at 13 when my uncle died in our house I saw his white figure again protecting us. People roll their eyes if I open up to tell them but for me it was as real as day.

I spent about 2 weeks at MCHAS before going to MBU. I wasn’t medicated and was basically in psychosis the entire time. For some reason they would let me out to go on walks by myself!!!! inside the facility I would often be in such fear it was scary. The people their intentions everything. I would hear snakes and clicking. When I would go on walks I was able to make it fun and it was like I was in this video game world. I would listen to music and skip around and play on the playground nearby. I probably looked so crazy and I was but it was fun. I remember seeing a guy in the facility and it looked like a cage and I told myself he wasn’t playing right. And because I could blend in I was doing good. On a walk I stumbled near the church at St. Charles and I sat through a service and prayed and literally it was one of the most spiritual experiences. Everything was glowing and white and I took communion and the singing was heightened and beautiful.

When I got the MBU I swear god was talking to me through music, people’s words, and this quote book I had. I was also artistically inspired and was painting all day something I hadn’t done in years. My paintings were very positive with angels flowers colours. All of this was really special and healing. I knew I was sick though because when I saw my daughter she looked really unwell. I would also get really depressed and was in delirium. I would get lost on the unit and was super sensitive to light sound etc. I also would get super energised and happy and would dance around and wanted to take my clothes off!!!! Alls to say it was a terrifying experience but there was also very happy spiritual side to it.

[SaffFree Volunteer in reply to Unicorn23]

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I too have had spiritual experiences as a child, especially growing up until the age of 6 in Sudan. The African culture and land is just so much more open to these things.

It is nice to have somewhere to share these things with people who just get it, and don’t eye roll! 😆 and omg, yes the snakes theme played so heavily into my experience at the psych ward. These places are not a good vibe! However, it is no surprise given the level of dark energies at play when you put people with varying mental health conditions in one place, and without adequate care, or spiritual understanding.

I definitely found PP a spiritual experience, and I look back on it now as part of my spiritual growth. I feel proud I made it through such a challenging time. I did feel the presence of guardians/angels guiding and protecting me through both times I had a baby.

I also realised after having PP last year that I had similar other worldly experiences around the birth of my 1st daughter in June 2020, at the height of covid. I had a past life regression session 2 years before my 1st daughter, and then actually discovered a past life in 2020. Things you mention like messages through music and books all played into me finding this discovery. I also had elated feelings after this discovery shortly after giving birth, and shared it with family and friends. It helped me make so much sense of themes at play in my life. Nobody thought I was deluded, they were just as fascinated as I was, but it’s likely I could would have been diagnosed with PP then. However, I know that wasn’t in my head. It was a much happier and positive experience compared to last year, so it never manifested to anything dark, and didn’t require any medical treatment.

I really think pregnancy and birth opens you up to a lot of the unseen, and it is very common for women to feel a shift in reality when they become a mother. We do essentially become a portal to souls into this physical world. It really is amazing, but also scary when you develop imbalances like PP. I also found it frustrating when nobody really had any answers as to why it happens, but slowly we are understanding more medically. That is why I’m also interested in traditional culture and ancient knowledge to explain why you can have such a break with reality. There is definitely something energetic going on! Whether it’s just in your brain, it’s really real to really for you at the time to be just that! The weirdest confirmation to me of something else going on, and that it wasn’t all I’m my head was how my cat behaved when I had PP last year. She was reacting in a very frighted way when I sensed something dark in my home.

Becoming a mother makes you hyper sensitive to the world and you naturally pick up on a lot more things. It’s when it tips into imbalance and you start overthinking that you get into trouble. That’s really hard to manage when you are hormonal, have a newborn, sleep deprived etc. You have to stay physically, emotionally and spiritually grounded. You need to remain firmly rooted in this reality. Going through PP and the process of recovery has personally allowed me to regulate myself in this way, and understand what to watch out for.

I just wish we still had that spiritually community around birth in the West to protect women when they are vulnerable. I wish I had my mother’s community around me when I had children. I think that is why things like Doula’s are so on the rise, and people have an urge to return to ancient rituals around birthing like women’s circles, postpartum ceremonies like closing of bones etc

The process of becoming mother, or Matrescence, is just mental. We are truly magnificent beings! All of us mothers are 🥰

[Unicorn23 in reply to SaffFree]

Thank you for sharing all of this ~ it’s beautiful!. Your share made me recall how I felt my grandmothers presence next to me when I was giving birth to my son. I had an unmedicated home birth which for me was a very hard but beautifully spiritual experience. I chose to have a doula as well which was very helpful. I had a home birth with my daughter as well and she was born in 3 hours and was encaul (born in her amniotic sac). It’s very rare and some believe it means the baby will have some sort of powers possible psychic. It’s inter sting that I had the pp with her…… never made that connection. Wanted to ask when you said you were looking to more “traditional culture and ancient knowledge” can you elaborate more because id like to do that as well !!!

[SaffFree Volunteer in reply to Unicorn23]

Wow, that must have been amazing to have an en-caul birth, and so lovely to feel the presence of your ancestors ❤️ I really feel we need to regain a sense of the sacred around the birth of a new baby and mother.

So when I say ancient knowledge and traditional cultures, that encompasses a lot of what I have learnt about the world and what has shaped my world view! 😅 But one area that helped me make sense of PP was Chakras. I actually felt an imbalance in my Crown during PP, like too much energy in that area, or a vortex feeling and lightheadedness. I think this imbalance is what led to my mixed up thoughts and delusions, overwhelming fear, paranoia etc the typical PP symptoms. Also, a few days before PP came out of the blue, I practiced energy healing and had some weird things happen. Now I realise I was too vulnerable at 9 weeks postpartum to do energy healing alone, and without adequately protecting myself.

Here’s some info specifically relating to Psychosis (AI generated from Google):

‘Some believe that the awakening of kundalini energy in the crown chakra can present as psychosis. Kundalini is said to be awakened through regular practices like meditation, mantra, Tantra, yantra, and asanas. When kundalini is awakened spontaneously or without guidance, it can lead to kundalini syndrome, which can sometimes present as psychosis.

Some say that when kundalini is at one chakra, the chakra feels intense heat, and when it moves to the next chakra, the former chakra feels cold and lifeless. Others say that kundalini awakening can cause psychological and emotional upheaval, including: intensification of unresolved psychological conflict, fear of death or insanity, mood swings, heightened sensitivity to others' moods, and confusion.

Some say that advanced yogic practices like Kundalini Yoga may increase the tendency to develop psychotic disorders if they are not performed with the necessary precautions and preparations, especially for people who are already at an increased risk.’

I hope this is useful. I think the process of conception, pregnancy, birth and postpartum can massively disrupt your energy centres. That’s why cultures have specific rituals around this time in a women’s life to protect her physically, spiritually and emotionally.

In the Western medicalised world of maternity care, you are pretty much left to your own to navigate the non physical side of it all. The focus seems to be on mitigation any physical risks, with no focus on the spiritual and emotional risks, or family history of mental health, previous traumas etc that put you more at risk of developing mental heath issues.

Alternative medicine and practices are a big field and you have to be careful what you take as truths. Only what you experience is true to you, but I do think Western medicine doesn’t acknowledge that our human experience is a spiritual and energetic one. Especially with things like PP when women have similar spiritual experiences after birth.

I 100% believe we are spiritual beings having a human experience. For a lot of us, that experience is very challenging, raw and difficult. I choose to grow from PP and believe it is epigenetic because my mum and lot of my family are psychic, exorcists and healers in Sudan. I’m fortunate living in the UK because I had medical and mental health support for PP, and I have a holistic view that keeps me rational with both a Western and Easter mindset.

[38andTTC]

Hi  Unicorn23 I too found my baby quite unattractive in his first few weeks and felt like the most unnatural, hateful mother alive for feeling like that.

I also went mad around him in other ways (it wasn’t PP in my case but severe OCD with psychotic features), including lots of losing touch with reality for the first time in my life. I thought there was something malevolent about him, that there was someone out to get me who was “in” him, and I strongly believed that I wasn’t his mother. My therapist says it’s down to so many different factors colliding - brain chemistry and hormones, lack of medication, pre-existing vulnerabilities to mental ill-health, stress…

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and while i don’t suppose ill ever truly understand what happened to me, it’s really helpful to me to hear of others who have experienced similarly crazy things. I hope it helps you too x