I posted several months ago about coming off my meds. Little did I realise that the good feeling I was having was the start of a manic episode. This ran for a few months, the usual symtoms of feeling great, nothing too much trouble, life was good, spending money buying things I thought I couldn't live without etc etc.
My husband was working away and when he came back he saw what was happening. I couldn't see it myself, no change there.
Brought down off the high initially with olanzapine, since then I've been tried on a variety of meds and combinations. I am feeling so down I can't explain it. I can't imagine ever getting out of the rut i'm in. I just want to stay in bed all the time but I do manage to function, getting up and dressed and getting kids to school and making meals and so on. I'm not working.
I feel very guilty. My CPN tells me to do things for myself to make me happy, to try to break the negative thought cycle but I can't seem to get any enjoyment from anything.
My kids are 8 and 11 now I had PP after both of them. Getting better took over a year. I feel like I want to run away, or worse.....
I've tried CBT but I'm feeliing so negative that doesn't help either. I get up each morning and count the hours till I can go back to bed. Its not a life its just existing.
I'm being a crap mum to my kids and a crap wife to my husband. I'm trying not to let on how much I'm hurting and how bad I'm feeling.
I can sleep without sleeping tablets now and i seem to sleep well.
Mornings are the worst. I just cry buckets in the shower. I even had all my hair cut off because I couldn't stand blow drying it anymore.
I just wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel but It just feels so dark.
I worry for the future, for my children, for my relationship. I feel I have no purpose in life. At least when I had PP the other twice I had to function because ithey were babies and there aws no-one else to look after them.
I'm going back to see the psychiatrist tonorrow and see the CPN weekly.
Thanks for reading