Seperating

[Bumblebeeee]

Sorry to post this here but I don’t know who else to talk to. Iv seriously had enough. My husband makes me feel like shit every day. He has a go at me every time I speak. I really can’t stand it anymore. He refuses to move out and makes out I can’t have the kids on my own when I can. I feel like he just makes me feel like shit I can’t cope here anymore

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Bumblebeeee, sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I remember in recovery from PP, just home from MBU, was a really hard time for me and I didn't know if I was coming or going, I felt confused, angry, scared... virtually every emotion going, but also a huge sense of helplessness. Things can get better but I can appreciate it must feel hard if your husband is making you feel that way. Is there anyone else you can talk to, and seek some further support, perhaps a family member or friend or a trusted health professional? I hope you managed to get some rest last night too. We're here for you, we understand and wishing you well, stay safe, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Bumblebeeee

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry things are not easy at home. I think your husband is probably stressed himself and sometimes things are said in the heat of the moment. It's still early days as even though you are out of the MBU, you are still recovering and it does take a while to find your feet.

Even in the Partner's Guide at app-network.org./what-is-pp... it mentions on page 12 that "the experience of going through PP does not have to be 'done and dusted'. It may feel difficult to accept but you won't be able to control how long your partner takes to get over her illness ......." Coming home was an anxious time for me at first and for my husband it must have been like treading on eggshells, to say and do the right thing at times.

You have both been through so much together and just need time to settle into routine and home life again. Is the support worker visiting you regularly? Also you could chat to your CPN about how you feel. Perhaps your mum who picked you up from the MBU could babysit so that you and your husband can have time out together? He has given you time to yourself and taken the children out to give you space but it might be a good idea to have a few hours to yourselves. It's not easy coping with everything at home so try not to worry and take it easy, leaning on the professional support around you. We are here too. xx

[Bumblebeeee]

The health visitor is coming round today so I will speak to her about it. Just feel like we’re trapped in a war zone just both being horrible to each other and I’m sick of it. Spoke to my cpn yesterday about starting councilling together with my husband but after the way he was last night I feel like just ending things now and never speaking to him again he’s been horrible x

[NanaJudith_APP_Vol Volunteer]

Dear Bumblebeeee, I am so very sorry that you are feeling so unhappy and your husband too. Postpartum psychosis can be such a difficult thing to understand and even more difficult to suffer from, recovery takes time and can be up and down. You and your husband are probably both exhausted. Little children are tiring and a challenge especially if you are feeling unwell. It is good that you are able to speak to your cpn and your health visitor. I hope that both you and husband can feel you can be honest with your cpn about your feelings. I do not want to dismiss how you feel today but looking back at your posts you have had better days in your recovery. I wonder if there is something you can remember to help you to try and recapture the better days if you can.

Thinking of you, hold on, it is early days. Good that you are able to talk.

Best wishes

Judith x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Bumblebeeee

That's good your health visitor will be visiting today so you can let your feelings out. Couples counselling is also a good idea even just to spend time together I think you need to give yourself more time to adjust and feel supported by your husband. If you talk to friends or family they might also have had times of disagreement which seemed so hard to get over at the time. Perhaps you husband is on edge worrying if you are doing too much too soon? I think he needs to talk openly about how he feels without upsetting you so counselling might be a good outlet.

You are recovering from such a traumatic illness and there will be ups and downs so take good care of yourself. x

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Bumblebeeee,

I am so sorry for your struggles. PPP and recovery is pretty tough for everybody involved.

Our perspective, the one who has been through a traumatising illness, is of a different kind in comparison to our partners/husbands.

My partner was a my full time carer and still is as I have a chronical mental health condition. The experience can cause post traumatic stress for our loved ones, too.

Men are in a contrasting zone to women and some are not open to emotional expression, but they need as much of a support system as mums do.

My partner only started to disclose some very heart-breaking experiences in recent years and he kept it inside for such a long time, just to make sure that my baby and I are fine.

The pressures are enormous for everybody involved....therapeutic help and support needs to be established.

My health visitor stayed with me for 2 years and helped tremendously...she acted in the best interest for baby, mum and my partner...

A friend in need for your husband would be good, too...there is carers support, his GP and counselling opportunities. If he is still working the occupational health could help, too with regards to him and the family's overall well-being.

Wishing you good luck, believe me things will improve...talk about your feelings to the ones you trust !!!

x

[Bumblebeeee]

Thank you. The health visitor has just left. I opened up to her a lot about how I’m feeling and how he’s made me feel and how he must be feeling too. She basically said what you have all said and not to make any decisions at the moment whilst I’m still ‘unwell’. Sorry about my constant moaning, everything has just got too much lately. Coming out the other side of this illness has literally been harder than being in the depths of it 😩 I know he is just very stressed but he doesn’t open up to anyone and thinks he has to act like everything is fine as he’s the main carer for the kids at the moment so I think he thinks he has to be ok otherwise things will fall apart. We will have a good talk tonight I think but I’m feeling better now Iv got a lot of things off my chest. Thanks once again for being here for me x

[NanaJudith_APP_Vol Volunteer]

Dear Bumblebeeee,

Do not apologise, APP are here to listen and support, as you say you have had helpful replies from Mums who really do know how you feel. So glad that you seem to have a very good supportive, listening health visitor and that talking has given you some relief from your pain. Trust that you will get better, as you say talk, gently, with your husband when your lovely children are asleep, give him a hug, be kind to each other, forgive each other. Talking and counselling will help maybe keep you on track and help you to see what you really feel. This is easy to say but if it can be done day by day your relationship can hopefully heal.

Try to get as much rest as you can.

Best wishes

Judith x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Bumblebeeee

So glad you're feeling better after speaking to your health visitor. As you say, it is very tough coming out the other side of PP. I think that's because when we were in the middle of it we were completely switched off and now you more aware, back to the reality of routine and home with a newborn You have done really well to be home in such a short time.

I think it's very hard for men to open up and as with many of us they have had to manage everything until we are fully recovered. I hope your talk together tonight will be easier for both of you. It's always better to reach out than bottle your feelings up ... we are all here to lean on. x

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Take care Bumblebeee, glad you were able to talk it through with your health visitor. Thinking of you, xx