I experienced PPP about 6 months ago. They debated if it was truly PPP or a new diagnosis of bipolar. I personally believe it was PPP
anyways, I absolutely humiliated myself and so many people had to get involved to get me to agree to be hospitalized. I had crazy delusions and honestly went absolutely crazy. My friends are understanding but I just can’t beat this shame and depression since it happened. I used to be social and fun. I hate the person I’ve become. I’m on antidepressants and lamictal. I’ve been weaned off of lithium. I’m in therapy and just nothing is helping
it’s so hard for me to talk to people now. It’s like my thoughts and socializing skills have completely gone away. I get so anxious around people—even with my husband I have a hard time finding things to say—the guilt and shame just consume me. He’s an amazing man I just feel like I’m failing him and our son. I have no idea who this person is but I am so scared old me will never come back.
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Rhettsmom1995
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Congratulations on the birth of your son! I’m so sorry to read that you had an awful experience with PP and I think many of us here will relate to going absolutely crazy ... so you are not alone!
I had PP many years ago with delusions, hearing a voice which was all very real and frightening to me at the time. It was as if I was a different person as it was so far from the ‘real me’. At the time, all those years ago, mental health was not talked about openly and so I didn’t know what had happened to me. I was sectioned for my own safety and placed in mixed general psychiatric care, transferred to different units, without my son, for six months. Six years later PP struck again and I had a similar experience.
I know it’s hard but please try not to feel guilt or shame. You had no choice when PP hit and we’re not in control of your thoughts and actions. I carried unfounded guilt and shame for years until I found all the support here and realised I was not to blame but seriously unwell at that time.
I wonder as you are in the USA whether you have been in contact with Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net. Depending which State you live in, you might be able to connect locally for support with other mums. We are always here for you too.
It will take time to recover from such a traumatic life event but with good medical care you will eventually find your place again. I was also on antidepressant medication but thankfully fully recovered and have such a loving bond with my sons in spite of being separated during their very early days.
There will be other mums here to share their experiences. I’m so pleased you found the forum and all the support you need. Take very good care of yourself ..... you are amazing to have come through so much 💕
Thank you so much for your sweet words. I will definitely look into the postpartum support international! I’m so happy to have found this forum because hearing that others have come out of the terrible aftermath gives me hope ❤️
You are very welcome to this brilliant band of mothers ... we are all here for you! PP is a medical emergency but a temporary illness, although sometimes recovery seems never ending. I remember how relieved I was when I found the forum and being able to connect with other mums who really understood was priceless. Up until then I thought I was the only mum to have suffered delusions until I found such lovely virtual friends here.
I hope the team at PSI will be reassuring and you will slowly regain your confidence and place. So good to hear your husband is amazing, mine was too. I remember being so grateful that he had stayed with such a mad woman! In no way have you failed your husband but given him such a precious gift ... your son.
Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be ‘over it’. As mums I don’t think we realise what a traumatic experience we have been through and try to pick up where we left off? Remember .... these days it’s ok not to be ok so be kind to yourself. PP mums really are amazing 💝 Thanks for writing across the miles.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down, anxious and scared. Please try and remember if you can, that what happened to you was not your fault but the very serious illness of Postpartum Psychosis and or bipolar. The shame and humiliation you feel is perhaps natural but totally misplaced, it belongs to PP. Those who love you, who are kind, who are understanding who are supportive, they are your people, lean on them for a while. I am so glad that you have found APP, you will find those, your people, here too, lots of empathetic Mums with lived experience of PP some also diagnosed with bipolar, all bravely and kindly sharing. I should say that I did not suffer with this awful illness myself, my daughter did, seven years ago, she went back to work twelve months after the onset and is very bonded with her son, she is well. Each Mum is different, and unfortunately recovery can take time and be up and down. I am so pleased that you say that your husband is kind and understanding and I am sure you are not failing him or your little son you are very unwell just now and, as we say just because you are struggling doesn’t mean you are failing. Believe that you too can be well again, that you can regain your confidence and become you again, maybe an even better stronger you.
I wonder if you are in the UK and if you were admitted to a Mother and Baby Unit, also if you are still in contact with the perinatal team, usually available to you until baby is twelve months. Keep talking to your medical team. Rest and sleep are very important to recovery, hard work enough being a new Mummy without also being so unwell. I hope you have other supportive family and friends. Be kind to yourself. Write here any time if it helps.
you will get better my dear! You will feel happy and you again. I had ppp 4 years ago and have bipolar 1. I got better and life was good again. My brain slowly got back again. I know how awful you feel and depression after an episode is very common. I still have blips having bipolar, but I feel mostly stable and my brain is a long way forward from how depleted it was those years ago. Keep the faith and keep fighting xx
Welcome to the forum, my name's Jenny, I'm one of the peer support coordinators at APP. I do hope you'll find connecting with others and sharing experiences helpful in all these feelings you're experiencing - you are most definitely not alone.
I had PP after my first son was born in 2012. It's such a frightening thing to experience and there are so many aspects to 'recovery' and processing everything that happened. It can be so hard to talk about what we went through and I think we each have to find ways of doing that that work for us - I did a lot of writing, I know others are very good at expressing themselves through art and that many have benefited from different types of therapy too... If you're finding it difficult to talk to your husband, would it help to perhaps write something down and show him? I know I did that a lot with my husband earlier on, and over time he helped me to fill in some of the blanks as I tried to piece things together. This wasn't immediately though, and just a thought.
Lilybeth has already mentioned Postpartum Support International (PSI) who I hope you'll be able to connect with too - they have specialised coordinators and support groups for PP, details of which can be found here: postpartum.net/get-help/pos...
There is a 'Recovery after postpartum psychosis' insider guide on our website that may be helpful to have a look at too, it was written with the help of women with lived experience of PP, researchers and academics - app-network.org/postpartum-...
As others have said, none of this was your fault. Be gentle with yourself as you work through what is a very traumatic experience, and know there is space here to share how you're feeling and find understanding and support from other amazing women 💜
Sorry to hear what you have been going through. It really is a scary experience and the aftermath can be just as tough. You have had some lovely and useful replies already here, nut I just wanted to give you another glimmer of hope that you will get better.
You are in the such early days after your episode. I know it's so hard but please try to be kind and patient with yourself. I had a psychosis episode after my first child 15yrs ago. They didn't say it was PP at the time, but have said so since. After the episode, the depression and anxiety that followed were just as hard to deal with as the initial episode. I have also since been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and have had other psychosis episodes.
I didn't get PP after my second child was born, but I did have bad anxiety, though that time I received good support from mental health services.
It is going to take some time to process what you've been through but I know you can do this. Please keep reaching out here or wherever else you find kind support.
Glad you have found this forum and you have come to a good place. As others have said you can also reach out to PSI in the US and there are support people you can talk to and groups you can join, as well as coming here. You are not alone.
I too am in the US and struggled as you are to get a firm diagnosis. My son was born 22 years ago and not one provider I saw at that time said the same thing or could come up with a firm diagnosis. The literature at that time said that PP comes on within a couple months of the birth and I did not fit that pattern. I lived in a rural town and didn’t have good access to experts. They didn’t know what the heck they were looking at. More recently I have learned that PP can come on during the first 12 months postpartum. Many women, including myself, are diagnosed with Bipolar disorder for the first time during pregnancy or postpartum. Bipolar disorder is a major risk factor for PP. So it is quite likely you did have that, and probably both. It irks me no end that the DSM-5 does not even list PP as a diagnosis. My lived experience with PP as well as my current impression is that there is a lot of confusion and lack of knowledge and training among providers here in the US when it comes to perinatal psychosis. There’s little research to go with it and PSI is working to change that and educate more providers. Many just haven’t really had experience with it since it’s relatively uncommon compared to postpartum depression, which is very common. So what happens is that women like me and maybe yourself come out not really knowing what happened.
I’m currently going through the training to become a peer support coordinator for PSI and I am learning so much that explains all this. I was totally alone and without good resources for so many years.
It’s possible that some of the flatness you’re feeling and that losing your sense of self may be partly due to the medications you’re taking. When I was first hospitalized, they weren’t sure what was happening so they just threw medications at me to the point that I was barely functional. They did suspect PP but when I didn’t recover right away (again a misconception on their part), they decided I had schizo-affective disorder, bipolar type (2) and I was told that it was permanent and I would have to be on antipsychotics for the rest of my life. All those meds took a terrible toll on my life and my health over 20 years. Every one of them came with a different set of side effects, including large weight gain. I currently also take Lamictal, and Wellbutrin. I’ve done very well on those, but everyone reacts to medications differently. Psychiatry is SUCH an inexact science when it comes to knowing how to treat people. I’ve often said that I could do just as good a job as any provider I’ve seen. They pretty much just go down their list of meds and say “Try this, try that and see what happens.” It’s a total crapshoot. There are many antidepressants available; I wonder if you could describe your symptoms to your psychiatrist and see if another one might be a better fit for you. If you have Bipolar 1, I don't think you’d be a candidate for Wellbutrin but there might be better possibilities than what you’re taking. It’s very, very frustrating trying to deal with med changes and it’s easy to think that it’s all your fault and you’ve lost yourself along the way. You haven’t!
The other thing I think you might be experiencing is that your experience was only six months ago, so it was really very recent. It can take people some time to recover and feel like themselves again, get the meds correct, etc. You might even still be in the 12 months postpartum period which is an enormous adjustment to your body all in itself. And on top of that you have a baby to care for, which is a challenge for absolutely everyone. Motherhood isn’t easy! This whole thing is absolutely not your fault and you’re just trying to survive it. Your body and mind have done something unexpected and that’s true for everyone with PP. I too was outwardly psychotic when I was hospitalized, although I was hiding it from everyone because I was fearful and paranoid and didn’t understand what it was. You did nothing wrong. This is the crazy thing about PP, it turns you into a person you’re not. It certainly did that to me. Your husband, your friends and family, they will be ok. It sounds like you have support and that’s huge. You don’t have to talk about it now. Concentrate on taking care of yourself.
Hang in there. Try talking to your psychiatrist about the meds. One thing that was helpful for me was sensory experiences - walking, writing, art, crafts, playing music, hands on creative things. The reason my site name is “Survived with color” is that was what I did to get through this. For some reason my colored pencils made more sense to me than anything else. It wasn’t great art, just therapeutic. You don’t have to be artistic. Coloring or paint by number or just free painting is easy and anyone can do it. Things like hot baths, massage, meditation, working out, can be helpful too. Find something that appeals to you.
You will get through this! It may take some time, but don’t focus on that. Just go day by day, one foot in front of the other. There are many of us here who have been through exactly the same things. You aren’t alone and have faith that you will be well again. My mantra was, This too shall pass. It will, I promise.
Sorry so long. I’ve become very passionate about this subject. I was alone with this for 20 years because there wasn’t a way to connect. You are here now and so much farther ahead already. 😊💪🏻🫂
You are so not alone. I know the shame so well. And I felt like it all changed me, too. I used to be so social. I had 14 bridesmaids in my wedding, and was always in everyone else’s wedding. I loved to laugh and make people laugh, get close to people through conversation, dance and sing (a stranger once asked me for my autograph after she watched me kareoke Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you” while I was dressed up as a knight). I was vivacious, authentic, and hilarious. I was…fun.
And then I had PPP. You should have seen what I was up to, publicly, in multiple locations. Afterwards, I felt so much shame about my episode, yes, and the fact that I had gone crazy. But the more intense shame for me actually came as I tried to take stock of my whole past, to figure out what went wrong (because no medical professional knew, and I’m in proximity to some of the best hospitals and doctors in the world). I started reflecting on all the wild, emboldened things I had done in my life, at the number of times people told me that I had a special way of viewing things, and I spun all of those positive moments into overall proof of my insanity. All of a sudden I wasn’t a spirited person with a great sense of humor - I was a lunatic.
After my PPP, and after being stuffed with meds to protect me from myself, the only thing I could still feel was mortification about who I’d clearly been all along, and an incredibly uncomfortable awkwardness around my friends who I’ve loved since I was 6 years old (I’m 35 now). I just wanted to be erased.
Rhett’s mom, I don’t feel this way anymore. I don’t think I am a crazy person, and I don’t know you but I know you’re here, which is the right place to be, and that you’re not crazy either. PPP happened to you, and it is part of your story, but it does not change who you have always been. That fun, social person is still in there. She just needs a little time, and wants you to use this time to focus on some other amazing parts of yourself. Maybe you, like me, have ignored your “inner child” for a while, because you’ve always been so social. Talk to her. Give her some air time. When I did that I uncovered some deep pain that needed attention. I also realized that part of my extreme sociableness was in some ways a symptom of deep rooted anxiety.
In the end, the people who matter, your people who cared enough to get you to the hospital, really do love you unconditionally (I called my best friend from the hospital in hysterics, telling her the docs were all witches trying to lobotomize me, and not only does she still love me, but she still takes my advice!) and they will be there when you’re ready. Time passes and heals. Inch by inch you’ll crawl back towards yourself, perhaps a better version. I’m still crawling but I feel progress. I get to rebuild (okay, I HAVE to rebuild, but still) and keep what, and who, works for me, and what doesn’t.
I know that at some point you and I will look back on this as an event that was part of our past. And we will see that we were able to choose how we let it change and redefine us.
We are all here for you, for each other, and we can keep talking through it. You got this. Keep. Fucking. Going.
I can so relate to your post. I had PP back in 2002 after the birth of my son and as it is for most people, it was a bolt out of the blue. For a long time I felt deeply ashamed that I had been so unwell. I felt that the illness was somehow my fault and that I was weak for suffering so much with the crippling depression that followed the initial manic phase. I also felt that people were judging me because I went from a very sociable person to not being able to string more than a few words together and being very quiet.
I don't know how you are finding the medication but mine made me feel very tired, I would sleep 10 hours but feel like I'd had no sleep which probably didn't help with trying to come up with topics of conversation. Like you, I was anxious just being at home, especially when I was left on my own with my son and I often felt like I was failing.
It can take a long time but one day you will feel more like yourself. The illness made me more aware of other people and what they may be going through since I struggled through PP. It made me appreciate the people who stayed with me through it all.
It will get better, you just need to take it day by day. Slowly, things will improve. There may be bumps in the road but you will get there.
When I was feeling better I confided in one of the Mums that I'd become friendly with (whose son went to the same nursery as mine) and I told her about PP. She was completely unaware that I had been so ill and merely thought I was quiet so you may well we worrying when other people have not picked up on your anxiety in social situations.
Please be kind to yourself. You are still recovering so give yourself some slack. We are here to support you through this.
I hope things start to get a bit easier for you soon.
Dear Rhettsmom1995, I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but please be assured what happened to you is not your fault and should not be ashamed. You are recovering and will get your old self back, or will end up being a stronger version of your old self.
I did not experience that sense of shame as the only people who saw me do very "crazy" things were strangers or very close family. However, very early on during recovery, I felt my personality had withered and I had nothing to say to my partner. After I stopped taking my medication (Olanzapine) I was able to get who I was back.
I hope you find what works for you to fully recover.
I totally understand feeling shame, I still do too. It’s not right though that we feel like this, it was an illness and nothing we chose. Hopefully with time and distance things can start to feel better? Are you able to talk to one of your friends about how you feel?
Dear Rhett’s Mom, you’ve had some wonderful replies that I hope have helped. PP is an illness that none of us would’ve chosen to have, not in a million years. I know many people including myself can relate to the feeling of shame, embarrassment, anxiety, social awkwardness. Im really sorry you’ve felt some of those feelings too. In time my feelings of shame and guilt, of loss on how my early motherhood “should” / could have been passed. I found, through Counselling, moments of solace in the fact that I was a Mum feeling all the feelings many other mums felt. Not just those who’d had PP. Each day we’re all re-writing our story - even in our recovery. Showing how courageous we are. How strong you are for showing up. Being honest and sharing how you’re feeling. It will get better.
I hope no one minds me borrowing a colleague’s photo here but I know for me, PP felt like a silent illness when I had it. To be suffered in silence, hidden away. But the reality is … the women who’ve had PP are some of the kindest, most caring and empathetic people I’ve ever “met”. So seeing Postpartum Psychosis shared far and wide like on this huge billboard in London (and many others up and down the UK this month) is massively de-stigmatising. It’s like someone is shouting for us all with a loud hailer.
The campaign from Action on Postpartum Psychosis is bringing awareness to an illness - and helping women find each other to share their experience and be hopefully supported with the compassion and kindness they deserve. You’re not alone in this. There is no silence of shame amongst this community. I’m glad you’re here. We’re all here for each other. It’ll get better.
I found it a struggle to get my personality back, but I did eventually.
I had to coach myself to ask people where they were going on holiday/what they were doing at the weekend. My mind was blank. But the more I practiced the hairdresser talk, the better I managed to communicate. You'll get there.
I think many of the women on this portal have a diagnosis of PPP and Bipolar.
Lots of love. All the people that love you will be patient. Read out your articulate post to them. It explains it well, they need to know X
Just wondering how you have been since you posted. I hope the therapy is helping. You must be very busy but I hope you have been able to connect with postpartum support international for local support .. we are all here too.
Have you thought about having a ‘date’ with your husband ..... just even going for coffee together to catch up with how you are both feeling ... finding time to talk?
It’s frightening to think of how we were when PP took hold. When I read my notes years later I was so sorry for the young woman battling to be understood and very unwell.
Try not to be so hard on yourself and take care .... be self-compassionate as you have been through such a traumatic time 🌻
Firstly you are a very courageous woman. It is not easy to come out of ppp and I can totally relate to your feelings of shame. But you have not done anything wrong and both your husband and child love and feel blessed that you belong to them. I am waiting till APP are recruiting again or looking for volunteers and I hope you'll do the same as I think you'd have alot of wisdom to impart to other women going through ppp. What are you on meds wise now and do you know what your diagnosis is?
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