Before I tell you about me, I would like to read this to you.
This example you can read and think it this is just a misunderstanding between two people, right!
Of course, we are all tired, have a busy life with children, works, stress, planning for holidays and so one… this cannot be relevant to many of us.
Now if we just change the context. This become clear that it is abuse. Emotional & Gaslighting.
Who I am - introduce myself:
I am French, with a French Caribbean background. I have been living in London for now six years. I don’t have relative in the Uk. I have study back in France graphic design, architecture and I was also a joiner. I wanted to come in the UK to learn English and to work in the industry of arts.
Just to let you know I couldn’t express myself in English when I first came in this country taking into consideration that I am also dyslexic.
So, when arrived in London, I was living in the Portuguese family, renting a room and I find my 1st job after a week at Mayfair and worked for a French company. Then I worked for the same company at HARRODS. I’ve could change work field and direct myself into a furniture company calls RAFT Furniture as a sales assistant then as a visual merchandiser.
I enjoy dancing salsa, go to museum, catching up with friends…
Profile of the father of my child
He is British, from a mix race background Turkish and Jamaican, very unusual! He was a sport trainer and worked with special needs children as a supplier teacher and football coach. He is the oldest of his family of 5 children, was very much family oriented. Smoked cannabis on the daily basic, do frequent car insurance fraud. Would often go and still items from the shops, with his sibling and even with his mother.
Of course, all of those information was brought up to the attention of my solicitors but didn’t had any impact on them or the court case at that time.
Relationship
I was in a relationship for about 5 years.
During those 5 years of relationship, it gradually escalated to the worst, and I became so addicted to that person, that even if my relative and friends had warned me, I wouldn’t listen and be able to leave.
When I first met the father of my child, it was in the street. You know, I was aware that I couldn’t actually met someone like this, but for some reason he was so charming and he catched my attention, maybe I was too naïve. Of course, the following few months was all lovely jabaly (for about 2 years). Up to now, it is still difficult to explain how he created some situations, where I felt the need of being around him, otherwise I will not feel, safe, protected, love, almost couldn’t make any decision without him… and so one. It was very indirect, slow and settled. Especially in front of my friends or colleagues.
As an example: he would drive me at work almost every day, and even sometimes bring me lunch. How nice of him! Everyone were saying how lucky I was to have someone who treated me that way. They which their husbands or partnership did the same!
Beside that nice attention, it would have given him the opportunity to spy on me. When I finish my work day, I would speak with him about any relevant information from work and so throughout the years, he has been malicious and would make me think that it would be better for me if I didn’t have much interaction with my colleagues or new people that I would met (male and female). The father of my child was really good at having a great understand of different people characters and behaviours.
There is one example which I was so ashamed to share with anyone for a very long time and it is so abject: Once, him and his two younger brother and sister who were about 13 & 15 years old, and myself. We were watching a movie at is grandmother house in his bedroom. I witness the younger sister molest her older brother, who himself molested my son father. When I saw, it I couldn’t believe it! When I said to my son father what they are doing. He answers back to me and said, “It’s nothing, if I tell them of they will continue”.
So even by knowing that this disgusting, I should of leave that relationship. It felt that I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, I would felt guilty of leaving.
My story - why am I am here today.
Since the birth of my child, my dream to be a mother was changing into a nightmare.
My baby was born after 25hrs of labour, a lot of injections of products in my body, an epidural, a C-section and I was released once I saw my new-born. Unfortunately, he had difficulty with his breathing, therefore we had to stay to hospital for 5 days to give twice a day injections.
Of course, I was a bit worried to do the right things for him, but I was willing to do my very best all the time. As a first-time mother, I wanted to learn all the tricks from the midwives.
The one thing I was not prepared for, was the behaviour of the father of my child. The father of my child (who was supposed to "look after me" as he used to say) abducted our child by force. Him and his family created a situation where I was separated from my baby for almost 7 months.
In order to do this, from the hospital where I gave birth he would create scenario to confuse, deny, undermining me.
As an example: While giving birth he would seat and watch a football match not care about the pain I was going through. Once my son was born, the father of my child told me that it is not because you are breastfeeding that you going to became a good mother. When I could sleep a little bit, he woke me up through the night to get a bottle every hour to feed my son. He told me that babies too often died from sleeping in a cot bed. The father of my child said to me that I was selfish to not think that he was also very tied, and he took my recovery bed to rest with my new-born baby in his arms, when I would have to seat on the side when no midwife would be there to witness that behaviour. He would change the nappy of our son and through the dirty poo cotton everywhere in the room, to then tell me that is the role of a mother to clean after him so if I was not happy that it is the way. He would bring his family and friends to visit me when I asked him to have calmer time. Also, he wanted me to believe that he forgot to bring my mother to hospital who had visited me on this special occasion, the only family support I had. His sibling were stilling hospital products and accessories…
I don’t know if you can imagine, but I was not able to sleep or eat properly.
We end up having arguments, and I told him something which I knew wasn’t true and apologised immediately but it escalated to the extend were the father of my baby shout on to me and my mother. That raised few concerns with some midwifes, and another patient.
I have been approached by the first person to talk to me about emotional abuse. But because of the amount of stress, tiredness and I wasn’t aware of what it means then I preferred to resolve the issue on my own.
I only thought that was another argument in our couple and some adjustment with a new-born child will need to be
made.
Q*/ During the time at hospital I had changed room about 3-5 times. They were too many midwifes shift rolling, maybe a smaller team dedicate could looks after few mothers. How come no structure was put in place from the very beginning? We know in most case of women abuse, we don’t speak about it. So, if the hospital had concern, they should protect better the mother and the baby.
So, I was discharged with my baby and we went back home. The father of my child drive us all at my home, but for some reason after arguing more, he took his TV and left to his family house.
The following day, the midwife couldn't come to do her home visit because she didn't have the correct address, so she contacted me to arrange it for the next day.
My baby was with me and my mother all day and was fine. We feed him regularly. Changed his nappy and try to rest when my baby was asleep.
But in the evening around 7pm my son hands and feet were a bit cold which make me concern and wanted to go to hospital to have a check-up. So, I called the father of my child to bring us to hospital, with my mother. But when he arrived, he changed his cloth and while I was preparing the baby bag, he approached my mother to strangle her. I separated them and the father of my new-born refuse to bring my mum with us. Even if my mother was scared she thought my son was the priority and recommended me to bring him to hospital. I then, went with him and my baby to his car, but rather to bring us to hospital he stopped at his mother house took the baby away from me, and his sisters hit me, scratch me, took my phone, I was left in the street traumatised.
I panic, after this shocking trauma, this violence, the extreme fatigue after giving birth which last 25 hours and having a C-section, knowing that my little one had injections for 5 days, a relationship that collapses and just been taken away my new-born baby who was only 8 days old, I was traumatised.
I went to the corner shop asked to call the police, the police came but I was so scared and overwhelmed that I couldn't explained the situation and left without making a report.
Frankly at that time I wasn't myself at all, I couldn't think clearly of what would be the best for my baby, me or my mum left at home knowing that the father of my child had access to my house. I was so traumatised. I now know that I should of speak to the police, ask them to get my baby and my mother to do the check-up. But instead, I was lost in the streets of London from the evening until the following morning 3 am. When I finally arrived home the police were there, as my mother already called the police because she was left at my home, seen the father of my child with his siblings, who blocked her to take all the needs to look after my baby that I prepared before him. Not seeing me, she was really concerned and so called the police.
Although I was asked questions, I was still in the state of shock, so traumatised that I could not communicate and the police left around 5 am. Once they left I slept on my sofa with wrapping a throw in my arms, like the position I was holding my new-born last time been with him. Around 7 am the community midwife came to my home to do her home visit, it was to this woman that I could explain that “My baby was taken away from me and the father wouldn’t let me have access”, I asked her to write a note to witness that my baby wasn’t with me, so she did and I gave her the address of the paternal grandmother where the father of child was. Around 9am, a course of police, then specialists tried to get me to communicate, but I was still traumatised and was scared to speak. My mother was removed from the room and I was then told to pack up few things because I would be sectioned. And I did it so.
I ended up been taking to a mental health hospital without my consent, by the collection of police, ambulance,
psychiatrists, who diagnosed that they would to detain me by force "under section 2". I had the feeling of being trapped,
because I was still traumatised and could not speak.
I arrived at a unit and was processed.
About 30 mins after I had been processed, I slowly exiting the trauma and began to communicate. I could only
said to the staff by repeating that "What would you do if your baby is taking away from you? " constantly, over
and over again. Time went by and no action had been taking by anyone at the unit that I could see.
As I became less traumatised I realised that I was in a facility for mentally ill people. It was then that I began to realise
and understand that this was a misjudgement and misunderstanding by the authorities.
The chief psychiatrist and his medical team questioned me during the week.
Initially, the doctors wanted to transfer me to a mother and baby unit, but the father deny that transfer. I had been
diagnosed with a postnatal psychosis.
Q*/ Why the professional structure didn’t have enough jurisdiction, or power to let me go to the mother and baby unit if that was my wishes, regardless of what the father thought was best for us?
As an example of abuse: The father of my child would come to visit me one is own or with his mother to ask if we can have a discussion together, but I refused. He would say that he wanted details of my detention and wanted to speak to the mane psychiatrist or to the medical team, but I wouldn’t allow him to have this permission. He had return my phone and few weeks later I find out that, he had activated an application to track my phone, so he called me and threated me to not have access to my baby, I would text and beg him to give me information about my son of how he is, when does he wake up, how long does he sleep, to send me pictures, and the father of my child sent me a picture of my child doing with his hand a “F*K” sign, and to make me think this is cute it is our new-born 1st “F*K” sign. Also, after having a review with the medical team, I asked if they could call father in order to see my child for 1hr in the family room, so father agreed over the phone, but then tried to persuade a member of the staff that it is not good for me or the baby and didn’t do it so…
Following the lack of contact with my child, the medical staff advised me to get in touch with the police, the social services, which I did. I was detained for a week without any medication, before been free to go home.
The social service treated me as if I had done something wrong. It seems that social services were ignoring the fact the father of my child and his accomplice family took my baby forcibly. The only advice that the social service gave me, was to tell me that my child was healthy and that they will do nothing more except to arrange child visits. Apparently, the police did not have sufficient evidence to help me to get my baby back.
The social services, asked me to have a conversation with the father of my child to arrange the contact, who
took place.
As an example of abuse: We met with the father of my child and he would tell me that I need help, I am not myself, that I forgot everything that he did for me, how kind and generous person he was to me. I was begging to see my baby everyday but he had forced me to only see him 2 - 4hr per week supervised by his mother at the civic centre. He told me that it was my mother who had strangled him, it was at that specific moment that I knew he was a liar, I looked at him and smile (knowing that it is not possible or thinkable that what he said is true), he had then responded back to me and said, “you see, you are smiling, you are sarcastic” …
Therefore, I had no choice but to take the father of my child to court, to claim the full custody of my baby, and if given the choice in the future, him and his family will never have such right over my child again.
Throughout the court procedure, who last for about 5 months, I was granted of a non-molestation order which restrain the father of my child to abuse me and few other order to protect my child. After the second hearing, it was decided by the judge to let me have contact everyday with my baby a minimum of 2hrs/day supervised by the paternal grandmother. The father of my child managed to get the court to doubt about my mental state, resulting the court requested a section 7 report from social services to be cared on. (This is to see if I could provide the basic needs and the emotional needs for my baby). He also managed, for me to not have any support at all while those 2 hour spend with my new-born, whether it was family or friends unless if the person had a CRB checked and spoke English. So, I was separate from the support of my mother who was not able to approach her first grandchild for 7 month.
Q*/ Why the jurisdiction accepted that I had no support, would they not see that was another tactic of abuse?
As an example of abuse: Since my son abduction I have spent any day or night to know and learn how often my baby needs to be fed, or change, or cry... In the 1st month after the traumatic event we didn't spend any time together. In almost 2 months, we only share 6 -7hours together. This is not even a working day. Throughout the court and before that, the father of my child wouldn’t allow me to breastfeed. When the paternal grandmother supervised, she lied to the local authority to make me seems that I was mentally unstable. The father of my child and his family constantly find excuses to not let me be with my child. To the point where I had only contact with my baby for 22hr in 25 days in 5 months instead of 100hrs in 72 days. I had to go to the civic center bring a suitcase to make contact. I had to face the people who hurt me the most to be with my little love, I had to face their comments, I had to find different propositions with my solicitor to be able to see my child, but they were all refused by this man. The father of my child used to bring my baby smelling animal urine which was notified by social services and health visitor, my son wear disgusting cloth, toys and bottles. I had to keep my calm, I was pushed again, I was being treated by the father of my child family like I was nothing. While contact happened they would make threat by filming me very closely, they would watch video of good time spent with my baby together, they would criticise me and do everything to destabilising me.
I was getting support from Domestic Violence workers, Associations, Women who had experience various trauma. I did label myself to be a horrible human been and I had a lot of doubt in myself. I thought I was narcissist, schizophrenia, bipolar… I remember having panic attack, felt my body so cold through the night that it would wake up me, having nightmare… I had the support of the Hospital counsellor how was the person who explained to me that I am not the narcissistic person or any other label that I did describe myself. I also, did a lot of research, reading about psychosis, went to some NHS course about it, went to NHS and private psychiatrist, to an expert in a traumatic birth to a mother and child counsellor. I went to the children activities on my own. I did yoga. But I felt to be so powerless to been in that situation.
How on earth someone who pretended to be the ideal man and father could do such things.
Yes, I wasn't entirely myself once I give birth, yes, I went through a lot physically and emotionally. Yes, I had this apprehensions about my son and me as a good mother. Yes, I hallucinated, hearing voices and had a strong smell. But what could ever justify that behaviour? Even if I was "crazy” like he used to say... Why would he still not let me be with our baby, regardless all the professional advises.
This man has obstructing every advice from doctors, psychiatrist, social workers, judges... it is someone who try to control me, through my emotions via my relatives.
Somethings I have read about "Gaslighting" and yes it seems that it was our relationship.
I had a mental conflict between the good things and the bad things that he did. He used to show that image of been so great in front of people, that image that I was looking for. Someone who takes care of others.
He used to punish me, ignoring me... by avoiding my pain... by creating situation to have an argument... To make me beg for attention... for cuddles... for time spent together...
He used to blame me for not doing the right things... For being dyslexic... For having a poor memory... For never understand him right... For not doing enough...
He used to twist things around to his advantage... Or to confuse me... To let me believe that things are normal when they are not...
He used to critics behind the back of my friends or family to not let me have much contacts or convince me that they were not good for me.
Today I want to scream, I want to shout the pain I have.
I want to love, to heal, to take care, to be able to transform all this nonsense, hate to the love from a mother to her child.
I'm not perfect, all I want is to preserve my baby from this family more than anything.
Then, the final hearing took place over 2 days which is very unusual for private family low. At the court, I had a lot of support, but the position of the father of my child changed the last minute and impact a lot on the court decision. I have today share custody of our son, I am the main carer. This was established from the court to make a transitional period for the wellbeing of the child to return to my care. It was also established that I should receive the child benefit, and to accept the recommendation from local authorities. And final hearing apply until my son is 19 years old.
As an example of abuse: From the hearing the father of my child tried to delay the transition period by asking more health justification of my mental state, he also tried that I paid a cab for his mother during little the contact I had with my baby. We used to have regular meeting with local authority to assist us in sharing the baby information’s. At those meeting, father would try to confuse me on my baby’s age counting by monthly or weekly. He had accused me of burning my baby’s lips going to the GP to notifying it. Thankfully, nothing as such had never happened, my child was just squeezing his bottom lips while he was teething. The father of my child also delayed the benefit that I should receive for my child and forced to have a meeting with social services to request to split the child benefit, when it was already decided and written on the court order. The father of my child would bring my baby unwell not letting me know and blame me to not go to GP or A&E when I had my child for a day or two. That day the worker social service was behind the door to witness that conversation and didn’t do anything. Of course, he would not be transparent about my baby’s health. He would try to blame me when I used baby wipes to clean my baby face, and said that caused my child a lot of spots on his face, when he was teething and was brought to me on this condition. Or when he brought my child to me with a fugal rash. Also, one-day, my baby was so unwell that we had to bring him to the A&E, my son was extremely congested and very tired didn’t eat much and was a bit grumpy. Few hours later, my baby had received the medication. But once we left the hospital the father’s behaviour was extremely dangerous on way back home, he asked me to hold the baby to settling down while he was driving, but even more dangerous when he dropped me at my home he drove with my son in his arms to his house. That was the only time I went back to his car. The next day I notified it to social services and few days later to health visitor. No actions were taken. I was advised to call the police, but once again it was too late, and even if I did it he would only receive a fine. As it is become frequent, when I said to the father this is not something that he should do, driving with my son in is arm in his car, he made me feel that I don’t know what I am saying. On a later stage, he had completely denied and said, “I dreamed about it”. Just to let you know of course he had a car seat.
Q*/ Why the social services worker didn’t stapes up or do an intervention and just listen behind the door when my son was unwell? Why social services worker agreed to have a meeting with both parent about child benefit when it was already made clear by the court order? Why they were no repercussion on father when I mentioned to them that he drove with my baby extremely unsafely?
However, time pass by and I could assist to a parental course with my little love. Then the local authorities had decided to close our case 5 month sooner as we parent communicate via the correspondent book recommended and had no concerns.
As an example of abuse: Since social services are not involved in our life, the father of my child forced me to stop the corresponding book, he brings my baby when it suits him and find any excuses that my child could possibly have to not come on time (I mean respecting the time set as per the court order). He would bring my baby up to 3h late and would sometimes notified me 5-10 mins in advance if he wanted to do so. He tried continuously to put pressure onto me, by trying to force me to collect my child at this home as it is a shared custody. He had lied about medications that he said he applied on to my son. Now he is want us parent to spend more times together and explain that it is what normal separated parent do for the wellbeing of child. He would make comment just to makes me react, for example: He said that waving to my son when he is leaving my home will traumatise my baby. He frequently repeats that he is the one who know better our child. The father of my child would not have attached my baby to a car seat many time or have him sitting in his car seat on the passager seat beside him. Would blame me that when my baby is in my care I don’t let him sleep has much has he does. Which is between 15-17hrs/day. (I mean in the care of his father). The man try to hide my son from me when he leaves my home or when my baby try to talk to me, his father would shake him or interrupt the communication between us.
Since, I have been in touch with new a solicitor, and the police who had recommended me to record everything to have evidence. But the problem that I face today in terms of the law is that even if the father is abusive and controlling towards me, they don’t seem to recognize how this is impacting on my child. And it is too late to appeal the order, the court seem to not have enough new elements for me to be able to claim full child custody. My son is attached to his father, at some stage of my own recovery I admitted being addicted to that man. So, what would happen to my baby if he is also? Today I see the father of my child twice a week, that person who did all those horrible things to me, our baby and my family. Even if the time pass by, I am still scared of the father of my child to the point of shivering after having contact with him. Especially if it is after going to doctors for my son, because I have to stay with him most of the time from 1h or most.
Q*/ What can I do? What can be done to change our life, but also the life of so many women, children, families?
Conclusion
I realise that we are living in a society where the system labels us, which caused the most extreme difficulties and circumstances for me as a mother. So far, the system did very little to defend the right of a mother to be with her child, and this was made even more difficult because of slow administration procedure and legal processes. My baby was only been born 8 days when they separated us. I made a promise to my little love to always be there for him, to love and protect him. Unfortunately, things have changed and I now need to remain calm, strong and believe in the maternal instinct.
The reason why I do this testimonial today, is to help to change the life of our children, to not become an abusive adult as they learn and coping their parents and education.
I have read that Theresa May Prime Minister oversees new law about domestic violence since February 2017.
The numbers are scary.
Year ending March 2016:
1.8m people aged 16-59 who told crime survey for England and Wales they were a victim.
1.2m are female victims
651,000 hundred thousand are male victims
79% did not report the partner or ex-partner
100,930 hundred cases resulted in prosecution.
We all need to help to change the mentality of thinking toward abuse it can damaged lives, from the hospital, to the GP, the social services, the professional service of support, the law…
Of course, and I will repeat myself, it is normal to not always pay attention when we are all tired, have a busy life with children, works, stress, planning for holidays and so one… this cannot be relevant to many of us.
But it happens a lot more than what we think so what we can change?
Choosing not to have more children
Had a second child and no PPP
Advice needed re second pregnancy
why get put in hospital
Do I need help or am I over thinking 
