Borderline postpartum psychosis

[KeiraMarie]

Hey ladies! Newbie here! 👋

I gave birth to my second baby boy Luke in Feb this year via C section.. My eldest son Lewis is 5 & we planned Luke.. I literally fell pregnant on the first try!

Was a shock as we was expecting to conceive within a few months, but on finding out the news we was very happy!

Prior to falling pregnant I was on anti anxiety medication sertraline & proparanol.. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I made the decision to stop my medication as the risks to baby I couldn't chance..

Apart from a slight scare at 6weeks all went smoothly..

I am also on levothyroxine for my undedractive thyroid so I had appointments once a month with my thyroid consultants at the hospital to maintain the correct dose throughout the pregnancy..

Also I was having growth scans from 28W onwards as my eldest was born at 37weeks weighing 4lb 11oz due to placenta previa..

Towards the back end of my pregnancy my anxiety struck me out of the blue full force!

I was having numerous panic attacks a day, I couldnt focus on the day ahead of me.. I was very over emotional & teary.. I couldn't be left alone at all & insisted my boyfriend remain by my side 24/7 (which he did) I put how I was feeling down to been in my last few weeks of pregnancy & was hoping once Luke had arrived I would start to feel much more myself.. Immediately after delivery I just knew how I was feeling wasn't normal.. I was emotionally physically & mentally numb.. I had zero interest in my newborn son, I refused to hold him & feed him.. I just wanted to be left completely alone & sleep how I was feeling away..

I was discharged the next day & from then onwards I deteriorated rapidly.. I became completely unfucntionable, remained in my bedroom in bed no interest or motivation whatsoever.. I left the care of my two boys in their dad's & my mum's hands.. I was so exhausted yet couldn't switch off.. I had no appetite or desire for life.. I began having thoughts that Luke was possessed by the devil.. I became paranoid that my mum & boyfriend was plotting against me, & was talking about me.. When Luke was 6days old I was admitted to my local MBU.. During my stay i was convinced the smoke alarm in my room was a camera watching me and Luke.. Despite staff reassuring me it wasn't a camera & the unit doesn't have any cameras.. Thankfully I was able to rationalise these thoughts & i was on the onset of having borderline stress induced postpartum psychosis 💔

Thankfully I didn't go on to develop full blown pyscosis & remained as an inpatient for 7 weeks..

I'm now home & working on my recovery, I have my CMHN check in with me once a week & weekly therapy sessions with my amazing counceller..

Would you say all I was experiencing was the onset of PP?! The doctor said that during the first few days I was admitted they wasn't certain at first if it was full PP as I had no other major symptoms that they was for certain it was PP so they classed my diagnosis as stress induced borderline PP..

[coffeemom2]

Well I’m no psychiatrist so I can’t diagnose. But if you weren’t seeing or hearing things that weren’t there it generally isn’t psychosis?

Sometimes the diagnosis isn’t as important as treating the symptoms. There was debate over the people who treated me whether I had psychosis or severe anxiety and ocd. Ultimately the anti anxiety seratraline worked well for me. So maybe looking at the drug that helped you most will give you some clues as to the problem.

For a while I too was really concerned about my label. But over three years I dropped the concern over it. Really it’s your past and it’s better to move forward from that horrible time.

Congrats 🎉 on your baby boy. That is something I will never know about because I have two girls, 6 years apart.. The little one, 3 now, loves quarantine. After she was born I was all out of sorts, but now I have 6 months of all day every day with her and she loves it!! Her dad and I say it’s the happiest we’ve ever seen her. Smiley all day. I’m glad I got out of that horrible time 3 years ago and can fully enjoy how sweet and healthy and lovely and beautiful and funny she is ❤️❤️❤️Thank God.

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi KeiraMarie, how are you today? Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. I am sorry you were unwell after his birth and that you also experienced anxiety and panic attacks during pregnancy. I am no health professional either so I am sorry I cannot diagnose your symptoms. I also sympathise and I can understand you wanting to find some closure.

I am aware from posts on this site there is a second opinion service offered by Professor Ian Jones from the University of Cardiff, remote consultations via skype are an option. I have not used it myself but I am aware other mums on this site have been referred to him.

Additionally, maternity hospitals also offer a debriefing service, where you can discuss the decisions made around the time of the birth of your boy, as you mention your stay in hospital was very short after a c-section.

It is very early days on your recovery my dear, both physically and mentally you have been through a lot, so give yourself some time to heal as much as being a busy mum of 2 allows. Be kind to yourself and take good care.

[KeiraMarie in reply to Maria_at_APP]

Thankyou for taking the time to comment 😊 I'm doing very well now 😊🤞 I will look in to a debriefing appointment & hopefully that may give me more of an insight & closure xx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi KeiraMarie

Welcome to the forum

I’m sorry you were so unwell after the birth of your son, how are you doing now? It’s great you’ve got a good counsellor.

I had PP in 2012 and spent a month in an MBU, it’s really good you had that specialist care and support.

I agree with coffeemom2 about labels and treating symptoms (and am also no psychiatrist!) - there’s an array of postnatal mental illnesses with symptoms that overlap and of varying degrees of severity. I was extremely paranoid and confused when coming out of the most acute phase of psychosis, I too thought there were cameras and that people were plotting against me, it’s all very scary. In the height of psychosis I was completely detached from reality - delusional, hallucinations (mainly auditory as I wouldn’t open my eye), all very jumbled but ultimately I had to save the world... I think it’s the detachment from reality (delusions, hallucinations etc) that define psychosis but what you describe will be familiar to most of us I’m sure and it’s all very scary stuff.

I wanted to understand as much as I could about PP and think it’s a natural part of recovery and processing what’s happened - APP’s website has a lot of good information app-network.org/

It’s early days so I hope you’re getting good support and enjoying your baby boy

I hope you find the forum really helpful too, you’re definitely not alone

Best wishes,

Jenny x

[KeiraMarie in reply to Jenny_at_APP]

Thankyou for taking the time to comment 😊 I'm now doing very well thank you 🤞recovery is certainly a journey xx