I've been having a tough couple of days recently. I have an interview for a college course I applied for a few months back, tomorrow. I initially applied because I was feeling directionless and without any kind of structure in my life that I vitally needed for my sanity, so I'd have some kind of purpose and something to aim for. So I felt part of life. I felt so much better after I'd made that first step. I knew I'd made the right decision in terms of my depression, the dead weight on my shoulders lightened and I felt so much relief after I'd done it. Finally! I was making progress! I'd made a decision! Then came the doubts and the second guessing...
Is this the right career for me? Would I be happy being a hairdresser? Would I be any good at it? Could I do it? Would I be better doing that part-time visual merchandising diploma as it's only 3 weeks as opposed to possibly 3 years of my life?
The only thing I've ever known about myself since I was a kid is that I can draw. It's just part of who I am, like the fact that I have two arms and ten fingers, they just seem to be able to translate what I can see on to paper. I take no credit for it :P. It was always a given that I would do Art in some way as a career. It was just the way it was. You know when you're a kid and you think of the future with rose tinted glasses and say "I wanna be a rock star" ..or an astronaut or Indiana Jones? Well I looked into the future and thought; I wanna paint. I wanna be a fashion designer. I did go through that "I wanna be a singer in a band" phase, but singing really isn't something anyone should be paying me to do. Trust me.
I haven't painted in 7 years. I'm not entirely sure if there's one particular reason why or many. I haven't painted since I left college where I was doing a BTEC ND in fine art where, due to my anxieties and insecurities getting the better of me, I left with a few weeks to go of my final year. It all got on top of me and I couldn't seem to cope with the work load I'd put off and put off through-out the year. It just seemed like too steep a climb although I did pull about a week load of sick days trying to solidly work through it all. I worked as soon as I got up in the morning until I passed out in bed that night. I hardly ate. I just wanted this bloody monkey off my back. I was determined to beat it. I did make a massive dent in it and finished my final project, but I had too many unfinished modules to pass the entire diploma. I felt like I failed.
I was offered the chance to finish off any unfinished projects at my own pace along side the first years (who were now second years), which I jumped at! Turned out that when Maggie (my nemesis and lecturer (literally)) said that I would be finishing my work off there, which would take a few months max, she failed to mention that what she really wanted me to do was the whole year again. I couldn't face it. I stuck with it for two months, hating and dreading every day there. I resented it, her and everyone else. I left.
..but with ever good intention of having a few months off to re-assess my life and figure things out. It didn't really happen that way. Gradually, so gradually I didn't notice it, I became severely agoraphoblc. I cut off contact with everyone I knew. I convinced myself I was happy. I kept myself busy buying things online I NEEDED, but never wore or used. I read A LOT. That was my life.
It all came crashing down when my anchor in all this, Charlie, my springer spaniel who I'd had since I was 14 developed inoperable cancerous tumours all over his side that was causing him so much pain. I knew I had to make the decision to stop the pain the only way I could, I couldn't handle seeing him in that way. I couldn't do it to him. It was killing me. He had become everything to me, he was my best and only friend, he was everything that made me happy in life. We had him put down at 8am on the 12th of December 2009 after I spent all night with him feeding him bits of toast with morphine on it when wasn't unconscious. He couldn't live like this. This wasn't life. I was numb for so long after that day. I hate Christmas. My anxieties and my depression is always worse then. For a few years I was getting by, not going out, preoccupying myself with meaningless things that became vital parts of my life, only living life online. 2010 passed by uneventfully. I started getting panic attacks. I looked into herbal therapies and meditation to try and relieve some of the pressure. 2011 was worse. It seemed unending. 2012 began and I wasn't really there. I didn't want to live anymore, I'd all but given up. The place I was in terrified me, but I didn't care anymore. I'd switched off. I knew that if I didn't get medical help soon I would end it. I couldn't do that to my family. I couldn't let them find me one day like that. My Mum has since told me that every morning she woke up she thought she'd find me dead. I put myself and my family through hell and back that January.
Here I am over a year after I first started taking anti-depressants. Still figuring things out slowly. Oh so slowly. Initially I gave myself a year to get my life sorted out, I was in so much of a rush for everything to be "normal", for me to be happy and coping with life like a pro. Unrealistic yes, but I know why I felt like that; I just wanted those feelings gone. I wanted that magic pill to make me better. I am getting there. I'm just impatient to be there already. I do push myself, but I know that if I didn't keep pushing myself to make these decisions I'd backslide or stagnate and I don't EVER want to be in that place again. The idea of it terrifies me into keeping going forward hoping I'm making the right decisions, but doubting myself every time I make one.
I go out for a short walk at least every other day, I Zumba 6 days a week (this has been amazing for burning off adrenalin. I can't recommend it enough; I'm 3 dress sizes smaller I can fit my butt in Topshop jeans again. Woo!). I go to the doctors/ hairdressers/ shopping (~sometimes. Shopping stresses me out) on my own. I've started stripping the wallpaper in the living room (that was there for nearly 15 years, don't ask ) and making plans for decorating... everywhere. I've sent off my therapy referral form (I want to beat this agoraphobia). I'm looking into adult education courses to get me out and around other people. But I still doubt myself. Can I really do this? I've been really anxious for the last few days, sort of on the point of not being able to steady myself like I have been able to recently.
I just need to keep telling myself; just breathe...
x
Written by
Soosh
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You are doing really well getting out and about and helping yourself. Its inspiring. Keep going. WE all have setbacks and bad days. Good luck about course. X
I feel really embarrassed by this, but I spent so much time faffing about getting ready (so important I get my hair right, right?! ) that I ended up not making it and being a tad late. Not good. But I've got another appointment in 2 weeks. I just hope I handle it a bit better next time.
Up and down as usual. Started to feel i can manage my anxiety better by trying to concentrate on the present. Think it was balien who said that anxiety is thinking about the past and worring about the future. Very helpful. Had awful upset with my mum wednesday. She always puts men first but thats same old. Had to have valium after that but other days have been managing well by doing stretching to relieve muscle tension and drinking more water and doing my relaxation cd`s. Also catching myself dwelling on the past and future when can. Is helping. Xx
Hiya
Your story echo's mine in many parts.
Yes it does sound like your giving it a go, and you should be very proud of yourself,
Say " well done to yourself " and give yourself a big hug does that feel comfortable?
You had your dog Charlie for many years, would he want to see you upset, no.
Celebrate his life, and they joy he gave you for all those beautiful years, death is just a very small part of life. Celebrate his life, not his death. It feels better that way.
You can really do this, I am sure,
You say
I just need to keep telling myself; just breathe...
YES, and as you breathe let yourself go, you are complete as you are now, knowing it takes a bit of time, but you really ARE
I'm literally in awe of you. No really.... I am. All the advice I've seen you give is amazing. A lot of it I've taken on board and it's helped me so much.
I bought Dr Claire Weekes book (and audio book; gotta cover my bases) on your advice (to someone else ) and I've been going through it for the last couple of days. It's changed a lot of my thinking about anxiety and depression and how to take it on. It's damn hard! I didn't realise how much I was battling it as apposed to submitting myself to it. How much I was squashing things instead of letting them in. I'm starting to unravel a lot of my old programming and seeming to start from scratch especially with how I'd been dealing with agoraphobia. I have hope in it though. And I really do want to get better. So I'm sticking in there.
Wow, well done, I do love her books they really do show us the way.
I'm really happy its helping, and
wish you all the best
B
xxx
Hi Soosh
I relate to your story very much and totally get what youre saying and how anxiety and depression has affected your life and choices........ I think most people on here would relate........
I think the hairdressing course is a fantastic choice for you and I would say go for it........
I retrained in my 30's as a beauty therapist and I love this job.......like hairdressing it can be creative, its a 'no pressure' job to a large extent..... you can do it part time, full time, work for someone, work for yourself........... and its a great girlie job...........
well done for getting a place at college, be brave and just go with it........... day by day............
Seriously I think you will not look back........ I didnt work wise.......... and its seen me through some tought times and ive made great friends!!
Good Luck and let us know how you get on....
ps... you will be nervous at first, thats normal, even people who dont suffer with anxiety and depression with be nervous...........xxx
Yeah, I does feel like home on here. Like we're all part of some massive supportive family of sorts.
That's really great to hear actually! I was a bit worried about being the only "old fart" on the course, but eh... I have all that wisdom and stuff. So, go me! Yeah, I was thinking.. something creative, but sort of practical. Skills that I can take any place and who doesn't need a haircut now and again? Loving the girlie job!
How incredibly strong you are. I hope you occasionally have the opportunity to look back on all that has happened to you over the last few years, perhaps when you were typing this out, and feel proud for what you have got through.
Through sheer determination you have brought yourself back up from your lowest point to being able to get up and go out to places and exercise to try and beat this. You are making every step you possibly can to better your life and it's clear from how you told your story that you've come out of the deep depression enough to remember the things you love and have lost and would like to try again which goes to show how far you've come to getting well again - like feeling the sun on your skin after years in the dark.
You're right - just breathe and remember that if you can't manage something try not to see it as a failure, just an indicator that you need to look after yourself and not push yourself into anything before you are ready.
You are a shining star and a complete inspiration, always remember that xxx
How're things going at work? Still having trouble with the office trolls?
I wish I felt strong. I just feel stubborn most of the time.
Yeah, I try to see things that way, but it's hard keeping my focus in that direction when I'm thinking too much about how far I've yet to go. I just keep telling myself; Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present. A bit cheesy, very much overused, but it helps pull my focus and there's a lot of truth in even the cheesy quotes people overuse.
"like feeling the sun on your sun after years in the dark"
As I said on the reply I left on my last blog, the work story is quite long and complicated now so I'll try my best to make sense of it all and put it in a blog soon... it's been a manic week and a half and lots has changed!
I love that quote too and I agree, there's a lot of truth in those cheesy quotes that people overuse! And if it helps you to put everything into perspective then it's perfect for you Just know that you've come so far and eventhough yesterday is history, that progress you've made is still something to be so so proud of
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) and making plans for decorating... everywhere. I've sent off my therapy referral form (I want to beat this agoraphobia). I'm looking into adult education courses to get me out and around other people. But I still doubt myself. Can I really do this? I've been really anxious for the last few days, sort of on the point of not being able to steady myself like I have been able to recently. 
starting Sertraline (Zoloft)
Procrastination 
increase in medication 
Lost job because of anxiety
Heart Failure
