I have suffered with anxiety and depression for as far back as I can remember. I have beeen on and off anti-depressents since my late teens. I had an awkward childhood tinged with happy memories and stained with horrific moments and I have moved around a lot but I try to remain optimistic!
I work, have a family and appear quite "normal" I hide it well! Inside I feel like a fraud and a co-vert operator never truly knowing or understanding who I am, why I'm here or what I'm doing?
I am in awe of my "got it together" colleagues I have virtually no friends, two failed relationships and very few people are allowed into my world other than my children or perhaps now via this anonymous site.
I am currently prescribed 40mg of Citalopram, after 20mg didn't seem to be having an affect and now which makes me a bit sleepy and still doesn't appear to be working very well. I have previously been prescribed Fluoxetine/Prozac which appeared to make me a little manic and Diazepine/Valium which depressed me further and metazepine which knocked me out!
I have had some success with Psychologists in the past, but my current counsellor confuses me and I am not sure who is benefitting from our sessions?
I am very negative at the moment and am behaving self destructively not going out, missing work, spending money I haven't got on internet shopping sites and I get extremely paranoid and full of self loathing. I overly apologise for myself and cannot explain this sudden crisis in confidence.
I feel pathetic and cross with myself and sorry for all those who have to put up with me. How did I let myself get drawn back here? Can anyone please help me with some advice or possible tips?