Not again, What do I do this time?

[Starsky1982]

I have suffered with anxiety and depression for as far back as I can remember. I have beeen on and off anti-depressents since my late teens. I had an awkward childhood tinged with happy memories and stained with horrific moments and I have moved around a lot but I try to remain optimistic!

I work, have a family and appear quite "normal" I hide it well! Inside I feel like a fraud and a co-vert operator never truly knowing or understanding who I am, why I'm here or what I'm doing?

I am in awe of my "got it together" colleagues I have virtually no friends, two failed relationships and very few people are allowed into my world other than my children or perhaps now via this anonymous site.

I am currently prescribed 40mg of Citalopram, after 20mg didn't seem to be having an affect and now which makes me a bit sleepy and still doesn't appear to be working very well. I have previously been prescribed Fluoxetine/Prozac which appeared to make me a little manic and Diazepine/Valium which depressed me further and metazepine which knocked me out!

I have had some success with Psychologists in the past, but my current counsellor confuses me and I am not sure who is benefitting from our sessions?

I am very negative at the moment and am behaving self destructively not going out, missing work, spending money I haven't got on internet shopping sites and I get extremely paranoid and full of self loathing. I overly apologise for myself and cannot explain this sudden crisis in confidence.

I feel pathetic and cross with myself and sorry for all those who have to put up with me. How did I let myself get drawn back here? Can anyone please help me with some advice or possible tips?

[Pickle165]

God you sound like me..........but without the children. How long have you been on your citralopram? It might me time to change. Its hard I no and theres no easy reply. Ive been doing alot of relaxation techniques which seem to help, go to getselfhelp.com and have a try. Have you got any family you can talk to? Xxxxxx

[thunderacer]

You do not need to blame yourself for a start, you say you have suffered with this for a long time and take anti d's already, I have suffered with severe depression on and off for twenty years and I used to blame myself and be ashamed of it, refuse to take medication but as time has gone by I have learnt that it is something that is going to happen to me again as it does not seem to have a recogniseable trigger and has come in bouts varying in time from 2 months to two years( that seemed like an eternity to be depressed) whilst already taking 225mg of venlafaxine xl (effexor xl) for the past 10 years, I have also learned to tell doctors what I really think of the effects of some tablets I have been given and refused to carry on taking them as I believe that you know what is helping and what is not! As everybody reacts differently to the same medications, the last 3 episodes have been stopped by ECT. I had been aposed to this treatment but after 18 mnths of depression 9 months not able to work, as I turned into a recluse I agreed to a coarse of 10 treatments over a five week period………… was back in work six weeks later as if nothing had happened, luckily it worked on me!

I do not try to hide it now, will speak to anyone about it now and have come to the conclusion that people can exept me for me or I do not want them in my life, people are scared of mental health isues as they don't understand it how could they if they haven't experienced it, when I am well I don't understand it I cannot think the same way! You need to stop asking yourself the same questions all the time, accept it is something that happens to you not caused by you and let the right people into your life and accept that some people will always be predgadist with something they don't understand. Steve. Ps sorry to waffle on good luck and be kind to yourself