In my last post I said agoraphobia is back again and I can't leave my house anymore. After 8 days of staying at home, I made myself go out yesterday, walked around 2 km to the grocery store and back (I waited outside of the grocery store with the dog while my brother was inside) and honestly I didn't feel like it was a victory, it didn't feel like anything at all. The outside is so noisy, crowded, loud, there's just too much everything to handle and I have no wish to ever get back.
Some very dear people gave me advice on the last post to go out there, to go do things that I like, basically cheering me on and as much as I do appreciate it - it's not working for me.
The explanation being: ever since I was born, I was a loner. It's not that agoraphobia or any other mental disorder is making me stay away from other people in general, it's just that I never liked company in the first place. Also, I was always an indoors person, only ever liking to go outside for walks and hikes in nature, far away from humans, traffic and the noise. My favorite activities were drawing, singing, watching cartoons, playing with my toys - and all that by myself. My favorite part of the day in kindergarten was when all the other children went to sleep (I never napped during the day after I was 4 years old) and I got to play with all the toys by myself!
When I was 12, I started being depressed. That was the year I hit puberty, the age of drifting away from your family and connecting with friends and love interests. I was bullied by peers, chased friends and begged for their attention and my love interests never showed their interest back at me. Those things stick to you like glue. The lonerism I was born with only got deeper, and all my hobbies remained indoors and "single player", creating the person that is me now. At 20 years of age, soon to be 21, I never had a boyfriend, many friends stabbed me in the back and left and now I'm pretty much by myself as I used to be when I was 12.
These kind people from the previous post suggested I went out doing things I liked outside in order to beat agoraphobia - there are none. The outside reminds me only of pain and suffering. The only times I ever liked going out with friends for example were times to get drunk or high or both. Basically just to numb the pain. Since I got sober and clean, I don't even find pleasure in that anymore.
My Imagination is out of Whack (Part 2) (Irrational Thoughts) 
Does anyone here have agoraphobia?
I dont understand my agoraphobia?
Can someone give me advice... I need guidence. And I'm scared to go to the doctor.
Torbay area (Devon, UK) ; Would you like to take part?...
