Hello, my name is Bella. I stumbled upon this website just a few moments ago. I was going through it again. My subconscious mind just constantly thinking about stuff that makes me so depressed, angry, and even scared. And then it begins....my heart is beating fast and I just start to panic. I've been using the grounding technique as well as excercise and meditation. And it does help. But there are a few mountains im climbing right now in my life. And I'm not in good terms with my family. It kills me, they are unforgiving and so judgemental and they can say hurtful things and not even realize the power of the words they use. Dont get me wrong, their good hardworking parents but they are so strict and they yell so much and I feel like nobody understands me. I literally am never home and I don't really like going home:/ I do anyways but I stay at my boyfriends house a lot. Over all, I love myself. I love who I am and I love being me. I love living life. I just feel so depressed because of the things going on in my life even in this world. Sometimes I ask myself where the heck am I how can it be this cruel out here. My anxiety gets me. I've tried Xanax. It helps a lot but it's way to strong. I have a full time job , I go to school, and I love to excercise with my dogs. On my days off I go to the gun range and practice my aim. On my free time I journal and I work on the book I'm writing. I couldn't do all of these things when I was taking Xanax. Colonopin is lighter but it's basically the same stuff. So what do I do? I smoke a little greens here and there. It helps but I can't be smoking that all day every day . I have responsibilities. I guess you could say that I'm a workaholic. I found my fix . I'm loved and praised at work. I'm needed at work. So I feel this sense of purpose and I'm happy when I'm there because they all love me and I'm good at what I do. I am a changed person. I'm responsible and I know how the world works now. But my family can't let go of the past , so they assume things or judge me or say smart remarks. I always reassure them but that doesn't work. I tell them that I need them , I need their support. Little do they know that the things they say and do to me make me so upset I leave my home I won't come back for days and I think recklessly because of it. I may not act out on it anymore like I used to but I think about it and I get so frustrated. Honestly I could write for days all the things that are wrong with me. Truth is, I have nobody to talk to and I don't quit have all the answers yet. I'm kind of lost and I don't know where to turn ): there is a battle going on in my head.....somebody, anybody.....please help me
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