I know I'm being selfish, but ...

[Charitysteve]

After over 3 months off work and still waiting for CBT I feel I'm just drifting through the days whilst my wife works so hard with long hours supporting us both. As if our situation is not bad enough both mentally and financially, her x who's suffered from Parkinson's these last 3 years died in a hospice and the crematorium service was last week.they was married for over 20 years with 3 great grown up sons, I tried to support her ad she supported her lads but I just felt as an outsider, even though I had spent some time with him over the years as the break up and re marriages ad been all very adult like etc.

For quite some time now our relationship has changed, I know when you first get together you are all ' loved up' , the sex is great, every moment together is special ,etc well Ive never stopped feeling like that but I know 100% she loves me and she does tell me mostly when prompted, but I feel I'm somewhere further down the list than I used to be.. You may be thinking I need to write to an agony aunt instead of this blog but I just want to be loved, to be hugged like we used to, I have insecurities clearly, but I have tried to explain, she does listen, but she says she understands but nothing really changes.and of course in the background for years my anxiety lurks waiting to seize the moment and expose my true inability to deal with things that put me under pressure.

Back to the opening paragraph, all the time she was driving a round trip of 500 miles taking the lads to see their father as I wrestled with this guilt feeling of ' I'm your husband now, I'm the one who foolishly tried to end it all some months ago, I'm the one who needs your support.

Then of course the next thought in my head is of shame that whilst their father is dying ( 52 yrs old) I'm wanting this attention....I feel I'm between a rock and a hard place, and tomorrow I'm supposed to attend a capability meeting with my negligent employer.

There is times I feel the best for everyone is that I just leave, my wife would eventually find someone with less baggage and not have to worry about money,etc, she has the sons and a wonderful granddaughter, I'm rambling now.....

I'm not expecting replies so I won't be offended, honestly, just wanted to put it down on paper, thanks for reading

[Yankee_Doodle]

The 'Get Help' section of our website is a good place to start exploring the support available to you: anxietyuk.org.uk/get-help/

For a more detailed explanation of anxiety disorders and how to deal with them we recommend the ‘Overcoming’ series of books. Understanding for yourself how anxiety works and why it becomes a problem will help you a great deal, and these books provide excellent explanations. You can see the range of titles here: anxietyuk.org.uk/products/b...

I think you may also find it useful to look into our membership services. This costs £30 a year. For this you get access to a community of like-minded people who are suffering with anxiety issues but are attempting to manage them as much as possible. You will receive a quarterly magazine that has all the most up to date information of what’s going on in the world of anxiety research. Alongside this you have access to a variety of Specialist Helplines. There is also an opportunity for members to access therapy through ourselves.

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Putting it down on paper is a better idea than you think. If I we're you I would also cut and paste the letter and send it to the SAMARITANS. They don't give you any answers or advice for that matter but they have a knack of throwing some cloaked questions back at you all within 24 hrs and confidentially.

I don't know how much you talk to your wife, but you better start talking some more! Love alone isn't a permanent glue in a relationship. I lost everything before I started to repair myself, I left it too late.

You need to write down a plan of action, it's no good thinking about a plan, i will tell you why. Normal people have hundreds of conscious thoughts per day and thousands of subconscious thoughts on top of those. When an anxious person adds all their misguided fears into the mix its too much to deal with. The good ideas and intentions get jumbled up and you end up at the beginning again, without a plan.

Your wife and family need to see a change in you to believe in you again so a plan has to be drawn up.

If you are up for helping yourself then I'm sure others, including myself could help you draw up that plan.

Remember, all kinds of anxiety are an irrational fear, they're not real, simply our subconscious playing a nasty game.

But, the subconscious can also be tricked into playing a better game, it just takes more energy on our part.

Good luck my friend!