Panic attacks and the «fear of fear» control my life

[Moonfeather_]

Hi everyone, I’m grateful to join this space and connect with others who understand the challenges of living with anxiety and panic attacks. I’ve been struggling with panic attacks for over a decade, particularly triggered by enclosed spaces like elevators, car washes, drive-thrus, and cars. For me, it’s been a long and exhausting journey of trial and error, trying everything from CBT with a psychologist and counseling to acupuncture, neurofeedback, and naturopathic treatments. At one point, I turned to medication when my anxiety became unbearable at home. While it gave me the confidence to reclaim some control, I eventually transitioned off it.

One of my proudest accomplishments is that I achieved my dream job of becoming a flight attendant. It wasn’t easy—the enclosed spaces of the cabin definitely tickled my anxiety bug, but I managed because I felt in control of the environment, and of course, I had my trusty water bottle with me. Training was particularly challenging, especially during simulated smoke drills where I had to put on a hood mask. It suffocated me on so many levels, but my determination to pursue this dream helped me push through. I was so proud of myself for making it happen.

I’ve developed strategies to cope, like always having water with me as a safety tool. For me, the water bottle is a way to rationalize my safety—it helps me feel that even if I get stuck, I won’t die because I have water. It’s a weird way to rationalize, and it works most of the time, but honestly, I HATE IT! My relationship with the water bottle has been complicated. Sometimes, I feel like it controls me. There were even times it backfired—if I drank from it and the water was stale, I would panic. To this day, I cannot step into a car, an aircraft, or an elevator without a fresh water bottle by my side. And water bottle or not, I absolutely will not enter a drive-thru car wash—it’s just something I can’t face.

At one point, a counselor helped me reframe how I see the water bottle. They said it wasn’t controlling me but was instead part of my care kit—something I use to support my well-being. That perspective made me feel more in control of my anxiety and my body, which was empowering and gave me a little more confidence and pride in myself.

Anxiety and panic attacks feel like a vicious black hole—a cycle of fearing the fear itself. It’s that constant fear of having a panic attack, and it feels like it controls my life. I’m embarrassed by it and ashamed that panic attacks still affect me so deeply. It’s exhausting, and sometimes it feels impossible to break free. When I enter panic and the physical symptoms kick in, things like CBT feel like a joke to me.

I’ve also noticed how much my anxiety is tied to how I care for myself. Just a year ago, I focused on eating whole foods, lost weight, and felt my best mentally and physically. After gaining weight from the medication, I started fasting and focused on healing my microbiome, which totally seemed to help. But as life got busy, I slipped back into old habits, and I can feel the impact on my anxiety levels.

Sometimes I wonder if my triggers with cars and feeling trapped go back to childhood memories of being left in the car while my dad acted irresponsibly—though I can’t say for sure. It’s odd that cars are such a trigger for me, especially since I’ve never been in an accident. Unresolved childhood trauma I guess… What I do know is that I don’t want to live like this forever, even though I’ve started to accept it as I’ve learned to manage better.

The other day, I got stuck in traffic by an accident scene. While I didn’t spiral into a full-blown panic attack where I run out of the car screaming for help, my hands went numb as I gave everything I had in me to control myself, and it was terrifying. I did my panicked ritual of stripping off my jacket, opening the windows, turning the AC on full blast, and taking it second by second. It was a reminder of how deeply anxiety affects my nervous system, even when I think I’m “managing.”

I’m here because I’m still searching for answers, support, and understanding. I want to learn how others cope and maybe hear their thoughts on my situation. Thank you for letting me be part of this community.

[Agora1]

Hi Moonfeather, I'd like to Welcome you to a safe space to talk about our fears.

We all have them to some degree or another. Unless we go forward and not allow

anticipational anxiety to grow, we stay stuck in a cycle of fear begets fear.

The anxious person needs to know that they have some control over the situation.

Whether it be to pop a pill or carry a bottle of water, we sense that we are safe.

I found over time that my breathing would be off whenever I felt trapped, not in

control. I found something that I always have with me, that nobody else would know

that I'm using this remedy, no side effects but instant relief. With practice, over time

you will have the upper hand in controlling your nervous system. The "key" is Breathing.

You see, when we are in a fight or flight stage, we start to hold our breath or over breathe

causing the physical symptoms to escalate.

Taking deep belly breaths and then exhaling long and slow will actually reduce the

Adrenaline in you, lower your blood pressure as well as your heart rate. The minute this

happens, a calm will come over you and you can continue with what you were doing.

I also use Meditation before bed, upon awakening and 5 min afternoon regeneration.

Always believe that you can get your life back. You already took the first step today by

joining our safe supportive community of virtual friends. I'm glad you're here. xx

[lowtech]

Hypnotherapy? Alternative thinking / distractions / put your mind in another, nice, place ?