Trapped, Paralyzed, and in Despair

[raynonme]

…I find myself so afraid of being alone; listening to all the sounds around me. Hoping the grim reaper is not outside my doors. Thinking of unspeakable things that may happen to me and the thought of harm coming my way. It’s paralyzing, depressing, and I am in deep despair.

Why plan for the future when I feel like my life will be taken any minute of the day? Why eat? Why shower? Why enjoy the simple pleasures that I once found fulfilling? I cannot think of walking out my door for the danger is lurking, waiting for me to show my face.

The intrusive thoughts play in my head like a broken record. I cannot get off this hamster wheel. I want to live and survive all this; I am not ready to die. God, restore my peace because I feel like I’m stuck in one long, dark night. The sun has not peaked over the horizon in almost two months. I am in agony.

I am new here and thank you all for your stories and sharing. I’ve lived with anxiety, PTSD, and other mental health issues for 20 years. It’s been 16 years since I’ve had a crisis of this magnitude and it feels like it’s the worst its ever been. I’ve survive two mental breakdowns with the assistance of outpatient behavioral health, but this time seems almost unbearable.

[Agora1]

Welcome raynonme to a caring community. I'm sending you a warm hug to let you

know that you are safe here with us. No one should have to exist in this fear you

are experiencing. The intrusive thoughts are leading you down this pathway. You need

a detour. A detour that can address the issues and provide you with some answers.

Are you on medication right now? Therapy? If yes and it's not working then it is time

to talk with your doctor regarding maybe "in patient". The intensive 24/7 help that

you can get in patient is what may be needed. The stability and structure of the unit

can give you the chance to work on yourself w/o having any distractions. Besides

help being available, there is the benefit in being able to work on your medication in

a safe place. Always better to walk in and not wait until you are carried in.

My best to you dear. Please keep us updated. Take our hands and let us walk the walk

with you. I'm glad you are here with us. xx

[raynonme in reply to Agora1]

Hi Agora1. Thank you for your response.

I am not on a regular medication, but I do have Buspar to take as needed. I am not a fan of taking meds though. My primary and I have discussed potentially going on a long-term med; I am apprehensive.

I started therapy a couple weeks ago and I do feel safe in the group sessions because there are others who can relate. I’ve only had one individual therapy session to date.

I am the head of my household so in-patient treatment is not an option for me unfortunately. I’ve been managing and coping with these conditions for years, or at least I thought I was. The spiraling has simply gotten out of control and I had no real tools to cope. I am at the very beginning of my healing journey. 😔

[Agora1 in reply to raynonme]

Hi raynonme, I totally understand that not all of us have the luxury or freedom to just

up and leave for in patient help. That doesn't mean it is a closed door however.

The group sessions can give you the comfort you need besides finding others who relate.

One on one therapy may take time to address but you will get there.

Meanwhile, what I did was use "YouTube" as my go to for help and support.

There are many great videos on all subject matters conducted by qualitied

professionals. If you need direction we are always here to help you.

I'm happy you are getting the help you need. May your healing journey take you

to a better place in life. xx