I graduated and I moved

[WickNeo]

I’m not sure why it seemed like a good idea to move around graduation time. I’m obviously not well, but needed to be able to afford an apartment without the threat of eviction because my daughter’s father doesn’t seem to care about paying child support.

Asking a question then answering it for myself is part of my brain/mental health issue. Intrusive thoughts while depressed with anxiety and a whole lot more are my main issues. Watching my ten year old daughter tell our family history makes me wonder what “fun” conditions I’ve passed along to my children. Three of my sons are questionable adults, struggling with neurodiversity and mental health issues.

The reason I’m writing is to ask about gaslighting. One of my son’s makes me feel bad for working to be independent and self reliant while disabled and living on disability. He wants me to give up my hobby that I just got my MFA in and focus on taking care of his little sister and myself. He says my sons are tired of doing physical labor to help me every time (hardly ever-once a year) they come to visit me. I’m happy none of them are as disabled as I have become. Why is my daughter the only one who can see how hard I work to do things by myself, without a partner?

Side note: I just lost most of my sculpting tools, supplies and furniture to an unannounced eviction of my permanent residence that happened the same week as my final art show, then concussion accident. No, I don’t have money for a $5,000 retainer for a lawyer. I’m just trying to get ready to cut two of my four self centered children out of my life, since they see my mental health as a burden to them.

I wish I could have taught them to love, rather than resent or scold. Share time and have compassion rather than kick me when I’m down, trying to claw my way back up to functional. Their father works hard as an artist, but he has the money to party and go on vacations. I lost everything in the divorce including my sons, properties, and reputation. Besides my children, those are not requirements to live a simple life. Happiness can’t be bought. I can wish from afar, but if my children can’t be supportive, I can’t survive the negativity.

Yes, I take my meds.

Yes, I have a psychiatrist and therapist.

No, I’m not a threat to myself or others.

I’m fighting my physical and mental conditions without adequate support.

I have a purpose, to make art and support others in need but I am worth more than my children say to my face. If a vacation is proof of love then count me out. I’ve got what’s left of my life to sort out while I tend to my plants and fight for my daughter’s needs at school.

I’m sure my sons forgot how many meetings were had to make sure their educational and behavioral needs were met when they were in school.

Thank you for listening.