Got out of bed for the 1st time in 10 days today

[BMWM6Girl]

Hi,New here.

Single Mom. No family. Very few and very distant friends, by my own doing.

Hopeful this community will keep me from doing anything permanent.

I spontaneously tried over Christmas but instead of my attempt working, I just lost 4 days of my life. I can't remember anything but I know I threw up a lot.

Thought it was a 1x thing but this last 10 days has been flooded with thoughts. I watch videos of hospice, people at the end of life, etc. and I feel jealous. I did not take steps this time because my 17 and 18 year old sons are aware of what happened over Christmas. My little one asked me not to do anything stupid and I need to love them more than having the desire to leave Earth. So for 9 days, I've just sat and cried. Slept a lot.

Today I finally took a shower though. I even dried my hair. I took my little son to his first job interview bc he asked me to and I'm trying not to be a complete failure as a mother.

I did go inside Walmart and that was a huge struggle. I wanted to jump out of my skin.

I've been back in bed since but I was proud of myself for even getting up.

I'm hoping I'm on the other side of this episode.

I moved to Phoenix 10 days ago. I don't do well with change. I'm sure that has something to do with why I'm a flat mess.

I see a new therapist on Tuesday. Hoping to get some help bc I'm not sure I'll be strong enough next time to deny my jealousy for other people who no longer have to be here.

I think the loneliness of it all is the worst. I don't want to burden my kids so I struggle alone, in my bed.

[CLB1125]

welcome to the group. Im sorry you are struggling so bad. When I feel like you are right now, I think of my kids. I think about how devastated they would be. How heartbroken. I would never want to purposely put that pain on them. Your son asked you to go to an interview with him. They need you. To you, you’re a failure but to them you are there world. Im glad you are seeing a therapist soon. Come here anytime you need to. Someone will see your message and answer you. We’re in all different time zones so sometimes it takes a little while but someone will answer.

[SayNOtoPanic]

((((HUG))))may good vibes surround you. Your kids definitely need you and you matter. One step at a time. Hang in there. Hope new therapy goes well for you.

[Oliver1970]

I am right where you are. Alone and afraid. Afraid of what I'll do and who it will hurt.I've been here many times. And maybe sometimes I think that's the key...that it seems to come and go. In the thick of it, I see only one way out, but it subsides and I go on.

I'm a long time member here, but infrequent visitor. About three years since I was here last. But I came here a few nights ago, in desperation.

I remember posting years ago, that we have to find a reason to live. Literally. I was always told you have to live for yourself. I disagree, whatever reason you can find just to get through is reason enough. It was my Mom in my teens, then my son, then my dogs, then my Dad, and even the thought of disappointing people here who share their stories and try and help others.

A total stranger, somewhere out there in the HU community, has decided to check on me every morning since I made my post. And for now, that is my reason.

[catsrock]

I'm very proud of you for the steps you took. I hope things improve for you soon.

[Teaching]

Welcome to the community