Neurochemistry: The Mind At Dis-ease

[SphericalDepths]

The fog falls on me today. Maybe Seasonal Affective Disorder is a possibility after all.

I am curious and passionate about many things, but what good is curiosity without credentials or plans?

I am (naturally?) low on energy, so all I feel like doing can be summed up as sedentary leisure activities. I vastly prefer fried and sugary foods over grilled or leafy ones, and I suffer from brain fog, depression, and anhedonia, which are all documented side effects of longtime consumption of the American diet.

I am emotionally manipulated by movies and nostalgic songs that play in diners. I feel connected to certain characters, melodies, modes of storytelling, though they are -- all of them -- a performance. Even if those worlds existed, I couldn't have belonged in them anyway; but the willful disillusionment with which we engage to enjoy our entertainment media feels very bitter when we discover, upon detaching from it, that there is no worthy substitute in our lives for the steely gaze of the leading man, accompanied by a souring orchestra, or the perfect landing of a grenade, a sword, or a kiss. We have no great destiny, our love lives are loveless, and no one ever sees anything extraordinary when they look at us.

Even burying my nose in the finest that self-help literature has to offer hasn't resulted in that snowball of positive change I hope to see tumbling down the mountain. It has given me moments of hope, so convinced is the author-or-podcaster that a life of beauty and excitement is ours for the taking if we believe we can achieve it.

Maybe we can! We won't know one way or another. It's a disprovable thing. But when I turn to my friends to share my thoughts about worth and ineptness and the embarrassing ways I relive scenes from movies, I realize that there aren't any friends, because loneliness is another (not exclusively) American trait.

A YouTuber said that people close to billionaires often see them as "delusional," that their visions of reality are so strong, everything else gets sucked in (like a whirlpool). Well, I have visions, too. I've soaked my pillow in them in the bed I've slept in since 1998.

[LoveforAll41]

Hi SphericalDepths. I think that your ability to admire/enjoy the literature, movies entertainment, etc. is a gift.

That being said, I think that falling in love is much easier than actively loving. It is like how it would be so much easier to die for someone than to live for them. I would take a bullet for my family in an instant, but the daily grind of going to work and school for them can seem soooo hard.

Have you ever tried a social media fast? An entertainment fast? Perhaps you could write a book? I think that could maybe help your life feel more impactful?

As far as curiosity and passion go without credentials (I read without financial compensation) I think that is the purpose of life! To enjoy it/grow! When you are curious you learn. I don't know if any of these thoughts help but I am rooting for you. Life is not easy, but it is worth it. I wish you peace, hope, and strength.☮️

[SphericalDepths in reply to LoveforAll41]

Oh, hello there!

My most recent spell of emotional manipulation occurred at the theaters, where I don't go very often.

But I do have to go on screen fasts sometimes, because I spend quite a bit of time on those. There are just too many fantasy interactions going on in my head.

I would generally think there's nothing wrong with exploring one's curiosities but I feel so guilty about lacking marketable skills that I don't enjoy my leisure time as much as I would if I were earning money or making my own way somehow.

I take it as a great compliment you think I could write a book, thank you.

Yes, I think you're on to something. I do want to make an impact, I just can't see a path.