feeling hopeful…. Maybe

[MindfulMoment]

so I saw my new psychiatrist last week. I absolutely loved her. She was so gentle and calm. It was the first time I’ve ever been in a doctors office and not felt panicky. For the first time I felt heard, I felt like someone was willing to investigate and figure this out with me. She recommended I keep the course in my current dose until she got some blood work back and I had a sleep study done. She felt there may be some sort of deficiency, or a sleep disorder causing my unrelenting anxiety. She felt at this point with all the CBT work I’ve been doing I shouldn’t still be experiencing panic attacks. Now just to force myself to go to my appointment to get a sleep study ordered and sleep in the hospital for a night for the study (eeek!) that scares me to death but it’s an avenue that hasn’t been gone down. So I’ll do it. Other than that things are hectic, COVID has passed and the holiday stress has begun. Lots of breathing happy Thanksgiving all!!

[gajh]

I am so glad you liked your doctor. Wouldn't that be amazing if some sort of deficiency, or a sleep disorder was causing your unrelenting anxiety? Maybe there is some form of treatment. I can't imagine sleeping in the hospital for a sleep study. I think I would be awake all night. With all of the exposure you have been doing I know you will be able to overcome the anxiety of being in the hospital it will just be a matter of if you can fall asleep or not. I hope you are able to get some answers that help you. Please keep us posted about the sleep study experience and results.

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

I probably won’t sleep much. The idea of sleeping somewhere not at home with people watching me in a room all by myself gives me so much anxiety. She assured me they only require 2 straight hours of sleep to determine if there’s an issue. I thought maybe I’d wake up really really early the day of and try to exhaust myself through the day so I’m really tired. But I doubt that will make me sleep lol.

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

Good plan to get up early and try to exhaust yourself. That isn't too bad if it is just 2 hours of sleep required. I would think you would be exhausted by the early morning hours after being up all night and fall asleep for long enough. I wonder if you will be allowed to take anything for the anxiety. Did you ask her that?

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

She said I can take my normal lexapro but nothing for sleep or anxiety. They want to look at how I move through the different stages of sleep. I guess is medicine would interfere in my normal pattern. I’m just going to tell myself I can leave if I want to. Give myself the out so I don’t feel trapped. I hate feeling trapped. It’ll be a definite test of my progress lol. I guess if anything happens at least I’m in the hospital.

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

I guess that makes sense about the medication, but it does make it much more difficult. That is good that you are going to give yourself an out so that you don't feel trapped. That might make all the difference. Yes it is a definite test of your progress. I think you will surprise yourself and do really well because of all of the progress you have made. The hope of maybe finding an answer should help too.

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

Positive though eh I’m just gonna try not to dwell on it bits something I have the “opportunity” to do (hahaha at least that’s what my therapist says) and I should embrace it and get through it. The worst thing that can logically happen is I have a bad night of sleepless anxiety. I have that at home anyways so…. Lol. Anyways. How have you been? Tell me what’s going on in your world these days!!!

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

Well for 2 weeks I went out and got the mail every day. I would just get up and do it immediately that was better than waiting and thinking about doing it later. I do think it got easier over the course of the 2 weeks. Monday I talked with my therapist. He wants me to think about having intentions instead of making commitments. Whenever I decide to do something I commit to it and force myself to do it no matter what. He wants me to realize that it is ok to have an intention to do something and then maybe not do it. It is ok to fail. It is ok to have choice. My concern was that I wouldn't do anything at all if I didn't commit to it and force myself. I am looking at this as an experiment. So I don't have the commitment of going out to get the mail every day, but I do have the intention to go out and get the mail sometimes. Yesterday I didn't even think about it. Today it is pouring out. So we will see what happens the rest of the week. Last Monday when I was going out to get the mail I looked at my car and the next thing I knew I was sitting in the driver's seat. I drove around the parking lot. I know that doesn't sound like much, but for me it was a big deal. So now I have the intention of driving to the pharmacy to pick up my meds by myself this month. I did not commit to it so we will see what happens. I do feel like I am making progress. I was still going out once a week, but I wasn't able to last week because my boyfriend wasn't available. Hopefully we will go out this Friday to get back in the habit and not lose any progress. See that is how I think. I think that because I missed a week I won't be able to get back to it. I guess that is what my therapist is trying to show me that I can do it. That it is ok that I missed a week. Soo much to learn and so much to change. I wish all of this stuff just came naturally.

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

I agree with your therapist for sure. “Normal” is to sometimes have intentions to do something and then something comes up or you don’t feel like it, and that’s ok. The fact that you are still pushing, still making the effort means you are making huge progress. Keep going. You’re doing awesome. And I totally get the driving thing. Driving is still a trigger for me. A lot of times I disassociate when I’m driving and it freaks me out so bad. I’m always afraid I’ll pass out while I’m driving or run someone over and not realize it. Which would never actually happen but anxiety is never logical lol.

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

Thank you for your support. I did not realize that driving was an issue for you too. Do you feel like it is getting any easier as you do it or is it still just as difficult? How often to you drive? Regularly? Is there anything you do that makes it easier for you?

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

I try to drive everyday even if it’s with no destination. I don’t like that I can’t control other people on the road. People don’t pay attention and it scares me. I still don’t drive in the rain and especially not snow. I used to not even ride in the snow at night but now if my husband drives I can. I listen to music. If it’s quiet I feel disassociated. But if music is on I can get through it. Not happily and not without anxiety but I can do it. A lot of times I still have to pull over because I’m convinced I’m dizzy and I’m gonna pass out or have a stroke. I know that sounds stupid but it’s what happens. It’s still a work in progress for me.

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

That doesn't sound stupid at all. I think it is good if you listen to yourself and pull over and take a break when you need to. I have to learn to give myself that permission too. That is interesting that you try to drive everyday. Maybe that would be the same as me going out to get the mail every day. Just to make it a habit. I am far from ready to drive every day at this point. I will just be happy if I make it to the pharmacy once for this first step, but I can see making that a step in the process. I have no interest in driving in the snow. My car is not good in the snow anyways. I want you to know how much I appreciate you sharing this with me. It is so hard to talk about it with people who don't understand. For most people driving is so automatic that they can't understand the issue. I can't explain it to my boyfriend. I know he doesn't understand. I think it is hard to understand that I used to be able to and now I am not able. Anyways thanks again.

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

You are so welcome. I’m sorry I’m not around more. I do always think about you when I log in. I wonder through the days if you’re going anywhere new and what kind of accomplishments you’ve made. People that don’t understand, can’t understand. It’s totally illogical to have agoraphobia. But alas here we are hahaha. I think exposure therapy is a neat process. The best way I can explain it is it’s really hard the whole time and then one day you…. Just arrive and it isn’t. At least for me even a little bit of anxiety is still anxiety so it’s just as difficult e because I never know how bad it will get. But then one day I go somewhere… get there and realize I didn’t have any anxiety about it. And then I freak myself out wondering when stupid anxiety will pop up and surprise me but that’s another thing I’m working on lol. I often times wonder if two agoraphobes were friends would they challenge each other and get better together or would they stop the progress and both stay in.

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

I think they would challenge each other, hold each other by the hand, and walk through it together. I honestly feel like that is what you are doing with me. I think it is easier to want progress for someone else. To recognize the benefits of going out for someone else. It is too easy to talk yourself into staying in, making excuses, and coming up with reasons. I don't think we would do that for each other. I think in some ways it is easier to notice how agoraphobia is holding someone else back than to recognize how it is holding us back ourselves. I think it would be amazing to have an in person support group for agoraphobics. It would be very challenging to say the least, but I think it would be very beneficial. I will definitely let you know if I make it to the pharmacy this month, but if not this month next month. I definitely want to hear from you when you realize that you didn't have any anxiety about going somewhere. I want to hear when driving becomes routine and not an ongoing issue.

[MindfulMoment in reply to gajh]

I feel like having someone that understood in my everyday life would be so incredible. I always love touching base with you. You inspire me to keep going. Onward and upward!!!

[gajh in reply to MindfulMoment]

How was your day today? Mine was nice and quiet. Just home with my boyfriend. Felt more like a Sunday than a holiday. That was fine with me. We are going out to lunch tomorrow. Do you have any exciting plans coming up?

[designguy]

It's definitely worth doing the sleep study, I knew I snored some but had no idea how bad my sleep apnea was. It was really helpful when I started using the cpap machine, I didn't realize how fatigued I really was and it helped my cognitive ability. The biggest and most common hassle with cpap is finding the right kind of mask that fits for you but it's possible to do.

And try not to worry too much about doing the sleep study, the reality is that you won't have great sleep anyway being in a different bed and being hooked up to monitoring wires, etc... but it's ok. There are apparently sleep studies that can be done at your own home so you might ask about them.

[MindfulMoment in reply to designguy]

My husband has a cpap. He has a traumatic brain injury from his service and it causes apnea. It changed his life. He can run on such a small amount of sleep because he’s rested in general. I am hopeful. Maybe this is the missing puzzle piece. We shall see!

[designguy in reply to MindfulMoment]

Hope it helps. Another thing to consider is to make sure your hormones, thyroid and adrenals are functioning properly because they can cause or contribute to depression/anxiety if not.