Tick Tock

[mosti001]

Friday evening was a week since I have been back home and the 21st will be a month after I got out of the hospital. This all feels like a blur at times and when I wake up in the morning before I open my eyes I wonder if this is all real and boom I'm in my grandparent's house not my apartment. I logically know that I need to give myself time to breathe and to recollect after all of this I truly understand that. I have family, friends, and even yall on here telling me to be patient and to go with the flow but of course that is easier said than done.

Tick-tock, I have been conditioned and have conditioned myself over the years to have this belief that everything needs to be planned and everything needs to be moving forward not sideways, and definitely not backward. I've noticed this internal tick-tock sound going off and a little voice telling me to just get up and get something going. The priority should be on my mental health and general health together yet all that runs through my mind are bills and ideas of who and what I am or should be. In the past month, I have either sold or given away the vast majority of my stuff and while at times it was painful it was also so freeing. Almost everything I had and wanted were things that in the end did not bring me any happiness but made me feel sad in a way.

Tick tock, I am right now thinking of the past 7 years that I was in Texas and doing everything I thought I was proud about to realize that most if not all of those decisions were influenced by others. This constant tick-tock of the clock is not me worrying about my mental health, not me worrying about feeling sick, not me worrying about actually being happy with ME. The tick-tock of the clock is that small voice telling me that I need to get back to work and start moving up, that voice is telling me to stop whining, that voice is telling me that I am just weak right now. I know that voice is not my true friend and has fooled me for far too long, but that voice is so strong right now, making me feel like a failure like I have let down those around me who have sacrificed to bring me to this point.

Tick-tock, I am getting the image of Captain Hook destroying all the clocks in my head right now and want to do the same. All I want in this like right now is to be happy, that's it just happy. But that happiness is coming at the cost of what I believed I wanted, what I believed I needed to be happy. Not knowing how to release and just letting go of all that shit is hard and I'm struggling because that damn clock is so loud but I wonder if the clock is so loud because it is afraid I may leave it behind and never look back.

Thank you for reading if you did, and apologize for how all over the place this seemed to be.

[MarileeKemp]

I can relate so much to what you’re saying. I’m on a leave of absence from work and I worry constantly about going back but it was a really unhealthy environment. I tell myself it’s important im taking this time to take care of myself but I’m stressing out over feeling like im wasting time. You used a lot of really good analogies, feel free to reach out if you like. This is a great place to meet people who understand and can offer support

[mosti001 in reply to MarileeKemp]

Yes, the feeling of wasting time is exactly what I am feeling right now. I've been in school or working full time since I started college and for the first time, everything is at a standstill. I am feeling better as a person for the first time in a while and feeling quite happy but my mind is playing all these scenarios for how long it may take me to get back to work and how successful I will be. Being around family right now is very helpful but also feel like there are so many eyes on me waiting to see what I do next and the sucky part is I just don't know what I want anymore and know that is not a good answer.

[MarileeKemp in reply to mosti001]

Something that has really helped me is exercise, even as simple as a walk. I understand what you mean about not being sure what you want to do, I struggle with trying to find a purpose or something I’m passionate about. I definitely think you’re making the right decision to take some time for you, you were just in the hospital and should be gentle with yourself.