Health issues causing extreme fear, anxiety and triggering anorexia

[Caseopia]

Hey all. I haven't been online in quite some time. Things have been going great! I enrolled back to college and finally in my dream apartment all of my own!! However, I'm going through health issues and see an endocrinologist tomorrow. My health problems are making it difficult to eat due to effects like pain, nausea, etc. Hence I'm losing weight too fast. I'm starting to feed on the weight loss and getting excited about how I look as I was heavy. I'm dropping weight too fast and struggling because it's triggering wanting to be anorexic again. It's been years!!! I just want to look prettier but this isn't healthy. I was also bulimic. I CANNOT go back to that life of hell. My anxiety about the doctor tomorrow is eating me alive. I'm sure I'll be ok but I awfulize because I know I'm physically ill but haven't figured out what it is yet. I cannot sleep. I'm manic. I don't know how to calm down. Someone told me a quote of " I haven't come this far just to come this far" and I repeat that all through the day. It helps for a moment. I'm so scared. I don't know where I'm going with this post but I needed to get my secret out.

[Orange-y]

Congrats on going back to school and getting your dream apartment! Those are accomplishments that you should definitely celebrate! And I think what you bring up is just evidence of how hard it is to maintain our progress. I’m so happy to hear that it’s been years since you’ve dealt with that and you’re dead-set on not returning to that version of you. But unfortunately, all the progress you made doesn’t mean it will NEVER be hard again. It’s true that it generally gets easier with time, but it’s not always linear like that, and there’s gonna be a few moments where it feels almost as hard as when you started and you WILL be tested. Just remember how STRONG you are and you will pass this test, for sure.

[mornie_alantie in reply to Orange-y]

I would also like to add that just because you are struggling at the moment does not mean all the progress you made is invalid. In fact, it's proof how capable you are of doing great things for yourself.

[Macandcheese88]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. This is my first time ever using this site. I’ve been in a terrible wave of anxiety and trying to ward off a panic attack tonight so here I am. Although not the same exact thing, when my anxiety is really bad, I have zero appetite and can completely relate to dropping weight quickly but then it triggering other stuff. Between the compliments and just liking what I see in the mirror, it’s a very slippery slope and a scary one.

I hope you’ll update us on the doctor tomorrow. Just breathe. All you have to do is breathe and take one step at a time.

[Tealpillow]

I’m embarrassed to admit but I do this too! I can tell I’m about to get into a depressive episode when I start getting into my bulimic mindset. I don’t know why those two things go hand in hand - I need to do some deep thinking. I also don’t know how to stop — in the past I just naturally stopped and went back to life as normal. This time it’s been about 2 months and I’m still doing it sometimes. I consciously tell myself I need the nutrition but then anxiety kicks in and tells me I ate unhealthy food and I’m poisoning myself with crap … it’s so messed up. I wish I had good advice but I’m in the muck of it so for today I’ll hope others have insight. Sending you big understanding hugs 🫂

[LifeIsThePitts in reply to Tealpillow]

I've had a contentious relationship with food my entire life. Sexual abuse, food-aholic and obesity survivor🙋... overcame them all. But they never completely go away.

My Disordered eating habits crop up when I feel I'm losing control of my mental health and mind. It's more of a control issue and trying to keep things in order when they're spiraling out of control, than anything else. Restricting my food intake and feeling/seeing the physical effects of my direct actions has a calming influence on my crazy mind. PLUS being driven to workout at increasingly insane levels has also been the other side of the restricted eating coin. Done with both of the extreme versions of these maladjusted habits...but their influence still effects me at lower less invasive levels. Being aware of their place in my coping strategies and reframing those practices have decreased their hold on me. They're tameable now... little kittens instead of giant (paper) tigers.

[Tealpillow in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

I’m sorry you’ve had disordered eating issues as well … we do some really strange things to ourselves. I’m so grateful for your response as it helps me understand that this is manageable - and that these are only paper tigers! Thank you again for sharing

[Caseopia in reply to Tealpillow]

Wow I can relate so much so. I ate the pastc2 days and beating myself up but I needed it. I always make excuses with food like it's not healthy for my body, or my body obviously didn't need that if it made me sick. I haven't been bulimic in some time but you made me think. I get sick due to something physical but I have done it for other reasons once in a while. I didn't see that. Thank you. I need to stop that. I get obsessed with things in life and right now its my weight but wanting to be healthy is more important to me right now.

[LifeIsThePitts]

I'll be 50 next year and I've had weight and food issues my whole life. I totally understand when you say you feed on the weight loss and get excited at how losing weight makes you look. I was obese my entire childhood and into my mid 20s. I'm still embarrassed to admit that one of MANY factors that influenced my choice not to have children was because I didn't want to get "fat again". Yeah... pretty shallow, right? But the FEAR of living as an obese Asian woman in "thin USA" in the late 1990s was too much for my younger self to accept as I KNEW how hard it was to be an invisible, fat minority when I'd finally started seeing the results from being "thinner" and noticed by society and BOYS, that's all the reinforcement I needed to develop my weird food avoidance patterns.

Now I'm going through perimenopause and have made Major changes to my lifestyle. I'm 5'2", 108 lbs, 25" waist, cholesterol 163. I work out daily, sleep 9 hrs a night and eat a whole foods diet. These are the things that everyone tells you to do but are the hardest to accomplish. It's taken me decades of trial and error to get to this point, but it's worth the effort for sure!!

Whole foods diet

[Tealpillow in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Oh that looks divine!

[Caseopia in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Thank you so much sharing. I was embarrassed to post. I'm feeling less alone

[Dugg99]

I’m in the same boat you are, I’ve unintentionally lost 100lbs and it’s very concerning but because I’m so scared of getting sick it makes eating a whole lot harder. While working through eating anxiety, try to make sure you have some safe foods that you know don’t upset your stomach- examples of mine are peanut butter or toast or apple sauce or protein shakes. These are by no means a replacement for meals, but during those times when you can’t get yourself to eat anything it’s better to eat just small safe foods than nothing at all. I’m so beyond thankful proud that you went back to school and got an apartment, that is a HUGE accomplishment!!

[Caseopia]

Hi all. I went to the doctor. Need to get tons of tests done but I'm having faith in my doctor which I'm usually biased on. Thank you all. Will keep you updated

[gajh in reply to Caseopia]

I am glad your doctor appt is behind you now. I am glad you can have faith in your doctor. Now to just get through the tests. It will be worth it to get answers so hang in there.

[Caseopia in reply to gajh]

Thank you so much. It'll be a lengthy process and that's OK.