can’t turn my brain off

[Butterflycrab]

Hi everyone,

I had struggled with depression since I was 15 and probably even younger. I have been on medication on and off since then. I am currently on anti-depressants. I was recently diagnosed with anxiety and put on medication after I was having multiple panic attacks. I am the daughter of an alcoholic father and rage-aholic mother. My dad still drinks frequently. My mom divorced him after 40 years and has taken time to heal. She is a completely different person. She seems happy and at peace. I have a hard time spending time with her because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop and she start back to being angry- yelling, screaming, etc. She hasn’t done this in several years, but I am still trying to let myself trust her and get to know her. I am also in a relationship of 3.5 years. Most days are good, but when I feel like something is wrong- usually around my cycle-I spiral. I run a million negative thoughts through my mind and go to worst possible outcomes- that he will leave me. I can’t turn my brain off. I can’t sleep or do anything productive because I am so worried about trying to fix it, but end up making it worse. I make things a bigger deal then they should be. I help figuring out how to turn my brain off and not spiraling into an emotional wreck.

[LoveforAll41]

Hi Butterfly,

"Most days are good" that is great! It sounds like you are doing a great job in life even coming from difficult beginnings. I can't empathize with the cycle stuff being a man really, but there are things that get me spiraling like trying to come up with some way to get a house for my family.

I think that recognizing when you might struggle and things to work on are great progress too. My wife and I constantly reassure each other, maybe that is something that you could work out with your partner. Many times it comes in the form of one of us ragging on ourselves and the other reassuring us. For some maybe it would be a little more humorous like how I see myself in the mirror sometimes and remark how I am a big scary man. In a long term relationship I hope that you can communicate about getting that.

Therapy is also awesome I think. As far as self help goes I like stuff by Dr. David Burns. He has a book "Feeling Great" among others, and there is also a podcast, the feeling good podcast

[Butterflycrab in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you! I love that idea. I struggle explaining my emotions to him because he doesn’t express emotions and I think I overwhelm him with mine. He sometimes says at times I don’t know if I can meet your emotional needs, which makes me so sad. I don’t think it is him as much as me needing to realize when I am spiraling and take a step back. I know I spiral when I feel like he doesn’t want to spend time with me, which he has never said. He will say something like I have some things I need to get done today, and I can get upset about it from time to time. Need to figure out how to handle that, so I don’t lose him.

I will definitely check out the book and/or podcast too!!

[LoveforAll41 in reply to Butterflycrab]

Also, as a man, I worry that I cannot meet my wife's emotional needs and it is scary for me when she gets upset with the children. She tries very hard (too hard probably) to be nice and then occasionally has to yell. When she expresses frustration saying "she can't take it anymore" it honestly terrifies me because of how insecure I felt as a child.

Anyway, I know that she does not mean that she wants to leave but I did explain to her about how it made me feel and she tries to say other stuff. What I am trying to get at is that we often don't need someone to "handle" our emotions or "deal with them" but just validate them. It is nice because all emotions are valid even if not rational. My wife feels overwhelmed when the house is messy, but to me it is meaningless. Just the way she was raised she sees tidiness as very important. While I don't feel the same way I can understand that it is something that stresses her out, while she can understand how going out to eat is something that irrationally stresses me out. I think that you could explain to your boyfriend that just listening is great, and see if he can understand how you might feel the way you do about something. I hope the majority of your days continue to be good. If you do look at Dr Burns' work, he has a thing called the five secrets (of effective communication I think) that I find to be spot on

[Butterflycrab in reply to LoveforAll41]

Thank you!! That actually makes me feel a lot better. We all communicate differently, but it isn’t his job to meet my emotional needs… I just want him to try to be empathetic to them. I love hearing how you are able to express your feelings to your wife. .. something I want to try to work on with him. He is very shelled up with certain emotions.